A Midsummer's Quarantine
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Episode 1: An Honest Puck
A Midsummer's Quarantine
06/20/21 • 40 min
In which Puck prepares to meddle, Hermia plans to move in, and Oberon and Titania make a wager.
For the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm
For more Faustian Nonsense shows, or info about the network, check out faustiannonsense.com.
To contribute to the FN Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.
Episode One: An Honest Puck
Cast (In Order of Appearance)
Puck -- JOE CRUZ
Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER
Helena -- AMELIA KINCH
Demetrius -- TONY WOODS
Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI
Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS
Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM
Scene One
Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan.
PUCK
[Directly to mic/audience]
Hey Mustardseed, Musty darling! Thanks for agreeing to edit this together for me! I mean, you haven’t agreed yet, but I know you’d never refuse me--so thanks!
[Chuckles to himself]
It is for a good cause. The best cause, really. You know how nice our place is, right? I mean, it’s a penthouse in Manhattan, so obviously it’s gorgeous. And you were here for that Halloween party, right? I remember you commenting on the gas stove. Something something plumbing renovations in New York are a nightmare, something. It was super boring but you seemed into it! And you know I support your boring interests heart and soul, Musty.
But did you know, it’s also rent controlled? We’ve been here for, what, fifty years? Oberon was in a deep cut v-neck and platform shoes when we moved in, so it’s been a hot minute.
So, rent controlled. Started in the 70s. You do the math. Tally it up in your head. Got it? Ready?
Cut it in half, Musty. Titania was on a streak, all about ‘charming humans out of their wits for fun and profit, not to mention style.’ I’m pretty sure the documents have a bit of the landlord’s drool preserved in the paper. Horrific, but hey.
Now Puck, you say, it sounds like things are great! What could you possibly need my help for? Well, it’s Oberon and Titania. You know how they are. No sense of respect for things! Remember that time Obie smashed Jimmy Hendrix’s guitar after Tiddy slept with him? They scold me, “so materialistic, Puck!” Meanwhile they’re leaving Dior this and Gucci that on the floor for the cat to nest in.
So you see, if I leave them to it, they’ll destroy this beautiful, beautiful oasis in their next knockdown, blow-out break up. It would honestly be a sin. It’d be a literal crime. But me? I would cherish this place, Musty. I would treat her like the lady she is.
So what I’m doing--what we’re doing, sorry darling--is saving the day, if you think about it. We’re going to get this baby the parent she deserves. Someone committed, someone clever, someone handsome - that’s right! Good ol’ Puck. Mr. Robin Goodfellow. Me.
Oh, and you! Of course. Whenever you get time away from throwing pollen about or whatever it is you do these days. And all I need is a teensy tiny favor...
[Pause to appreciate his genius, get smug]
When Oberon and Titania pack up and leave in a whirlwind of drama, we just need evidence to show that they left. Then once they’re gone to weep crocodile tears at the JW Marriott or wherever, I’ll have the rights as the Sole. Renter.
And it’s only a matter of time. They’re overdue, actually, it’s been a month longer than their longest streak without a split.
We only have to fool the human courts. They’re always on and on about this “evidence” crap. So I figure, I’ll record Tiddybell and Obie-Ron until I have what we need. And then you’ll put it together to paint a lovely picture of two people breaking up...with their penthouse.
[Chuckles]
Oop, shh! Here comes Obie. The show’s starting.
Scene Two
Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan.
[A door opens and closes as OBERON comes into the room. Room doors opening and closing. Kitchen clattering sounds as OBERON gets ready to bake.]
PUCK
Baking? Already?
OBERON
Puck! Hey! I didn’t realize you were home!
PUCK
Don’t we have four loaves in the freezer already--?
OBERON
It goes fast with Titania around.
PUCK
Isn’t she on a no-carb diet?
OBERON
[Fake innocently]
Oh, is she? That would be so tragic then, if I had a freshly baked loaf out and ready to be cut when she finishes recording.
PUCK
[Flatly]
Episode 4: To Best Please Me
A Midsummer's Quarantine
07/11/21 • 27 min
Puck returns to the mortals' apartment with another special delivery...this time for Demetrius. Oberon is unhappy with the state of his sourdough.
To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm
To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com
To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.
Episode Four: To Best Please Me
Cast (In Order of Appearance)
Puck -- JOE CRUZ
Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER
Helena -- AMELIA KINCH
Demetrius -- TONY WOODS
Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI
Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS
Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM
Scene One
INT. MORTALS' PLACE
[Demetrius has the mic and is muttering to it. Distant chatter with a bickering edge in the background.]
DEMETRIUS
Heeey Handbasketers. Handbasketeers? Do you folks have a name for yourselves?
[sigh]
So, Helena's being Helena, thinking of everyone else before herself. Including you. Her fans. The fact that she's recording again... I tried to get her to take a day off, but no.
Maybe you guys know Lysander better. Maybe she talks about him on the show more. I don’t know why she would, but... well, I’m kind of grasping at straws here. Is this... normal for him? Helena definitely mentioned that he was a disaster, but this level of flirting is... Well. It’s uncomfortable. I certainly had some uncomfortable revelations.
[pause]
And don’t get me wrong, he’s still flirting with everyone, sort of. That seems to just be how he talks. But it feels like his heart is only in it with Helena. It’s really weird. At least when they first showed up, he seemed so enamored with Hermia. Now he seems to think of her -- and me, but that’s less important -- as a pretty distraction from his sun, moon, and stars, which, seriously, is an actual thing he called Helena.
Hel's not editing these, either, by the way. Just uploading without listening. She said she hasn’t had the energy, and I don’t blame her. I offered to help, but you guys know Hel. That was a lost cause as soon as I had the idea.
Therefore, I decided to be proactive. It just so happens that the beehives on the roof needed to be drained urgently, and I was unable to do it because of a term paper deadline that had moved. And as you all know, Helena can be tricked out of stressing out over work if she thinks she can protect someone else from their own woes. So she’s off taking care of that, which hopefully is a good distraction. And to make sure she doesn’t have to make up time for lost content, I’ve taken the mic. And retreated to my room to get away from the...weirdness...that is Lysander and Hermia.
Helena usually treats these things like a confessional or a diary, right? I--I can do that. I think. I definitely don’t have any big secrets, though! That’s what reality shows are all about, right? Dramatic stuff, like secretly being in love for years and years, and never knowing how to say anything about it that does the feeling justice without compromising a friendship that you truly value and hold dear to your heart.
...Or something like that. I wouldn’t know.
Erm. I guess, uh. Oh, hey, how about this? Hermia’s trying to get us all to do yoga every morning. And I mean, I’m not opposed to that! You all know I’ve been getting pretty into the kettlebell myself lately. But it feels like she’s trying to bring her insta-fluencing into our routine, mine and Helena’s, and...
[Door opens]
Ah! Lysander?
LYSANDER
Demetrius! It seems someone is at the apartment door.
DEMETRIUS
... can’t you get it?
LYSANDER
I would! But it seemed to upset my beloved Helena when I answered the door last time. And I would rather walk across hot coals than cause her any -- (distress)
DEMETRIUS
Okay! I got it!
[mutters, sound of walking]
Whoever's at the door has got to be more fun than that mess.
[Demetrius opens the door]
HELENA
Hey! Just me! Here’s your honey. It wasn’t nearly as full as you were worried, though. The bees are really becoming so friendly! I didn’t even need the helmet!
DEMETRIUS
I told you. Patience pays off, right?
HELENA
Is that the mic?
DEMETRIUS
Yeah! I thought... I thought I’d make sure you didn’t have to stay up late giving extra hours of material or something.
HELENA
Oh! Wow. Dimi, thank you, that’s so--
HERMIA
Helena! Are you b...
Episode 3: Two at Once Will Woo One
A Midsummer's Quarantine
07/04/21 • 28 min
Puck brings the mortals a special delivery.
To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm
To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.
To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.
Episode Three: Two at Once Will Woo One
Cast (In Order of Appearance)
Puck -- JOE CRUZ
Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER
Helena -- AMELIA KINCH
Demetrius -- TONY WOODS
Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI
Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS
Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM
Scene One
The Mortals’ podcast
[Helena in a Handbasket opening]
HELENA
Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of... unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about.
LYSANDER
Are we out of milk?
HELENA
There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here!
LYSANDER
Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill?
HELENA
And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk.
HERMIA
[From a distance] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander?
HELENA
Ugh. [Shouting] No!
[Hermia enters Helena’s room]
HERMIA
Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember?
HELENA
What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--!
HERMIA
Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch.
HELENA
And what was it he sprained again?
LYSANDER/HERMIA [SIMULTANEOUSLY]
Ankle./Shoulder.
....Shoulder?/...Ankle?
LYSANDER
My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee...
[LYSANDER limps away]
HERMIA
The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel.
HELENA
[Back to talking to her audience]
As you may remember listeners, Hermia has moved in with me for the time being! Not many people know this, but we actually grew up together. Long before Hermia was a famous instagram influencer, she had pigtail braids and braces!
HERMIA
Oh my god, stop.
HELENA
Oh, come on, it was cute! We were kids!
HERMIA
Helena had headgear.
HELENA
It’s true. My mom tried to make me feel better about it and told me that it was my halo. Do you remember that?
HERMIA
I remember you announcing it at a high school cast party.
HELENA
Turns out folks, when you topple face first onto pavement while wearing headgear, the springy wire thing kinda bounces your whole skull off the ground for a second.
HERMIA
[Laughing]
And that’s why everyone called you Bobble Head after that.
HELENA
Joke’s on them. Now I get paid to have people laugh at my life.
HERMIA
You’re the inspiration of the ages, Hel.
[Beat]
We do need to talk, though.
HELENA
Jeez, way to give a gal a heart attack! Why would you say that?
HERMIA
Reality shows are all about intense stakes and high drama! I’m boosting your ratings.
HELENA
That’s not how podcasts--
HERMIA
Hel! I’m serious. I do want to talk with you about this.
HELENA
About what?
HERMIA
About Demetrius.
[Someone audibly presses pause.]
OBERON
What? What’s with the gesturing?
TITANIA
See? I told you! Oh, this is gonna be interesting! These four young, hormonal mortals in a tiny apartme...
Episode 2: Serpent's Tongue
A Midsummer's Quarantine
06/27/21 • 26 min
The fae tune in to Helena in a Handbasket to see who'll win their bet--will Lysander move in along with Hermia?
To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm
To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out our website at faustiannonsense.com.
To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense
Episode Two: Serpent’s Tongue
Cast (In Order of Appearance)
Puck -- JOE CRUZ
Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER
Helena -- AMELIA KINCH
Demetrius -- TONY WOODS
Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI
Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS
Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM
Scene One
INT. PENTHOUSE
TITANIA
How long before it's live?
OBERON
Oh my dear, did something happen to your watch? Or your eyesight, to read the clock in the kitchen?
TITANIA
No. I merely assumed you'd be checking their status on social media every 45 seconds. Am I wrong?
OBERON
It's about five minutes less than last time you asked me.
PUCK
She's not wrong, then.
OBERON
And you, my dear? Are you not watching the road for the moving truck?
TITANIA
I am not, no.
[Guitar tuning]
I simply prefer to tune my guitar here, and this chair happens to be next to the window.
PUCK
Of course, you wanted the spot with the worst possible acoustics.
[Annoyed guitar tuning]
TITANIA
And you, my love? Was that your way of asking if I've seen the moving truck yet?
OBERON
[Starts to answer but Titania plays a guitar riff as soon as he does]
I'm merely--
[Guitar]
Titania--
[Guitar, louder]
Well, it's understandable that we both want to know the results of our wager!
[She lets him finish that sentence]
Especially since I'm going to--(win)
[Longest guitar riff]
PUCK
[giggles]
Hey, is that them?
TITANIA
That's an ice cream truck.
PUCK
You don't know what Lysander drives.
TITANIA
He doesn't drive at all, according to my friend Cobweb.
OBERON
I'm sorry, what? Cobweb?
TITANIA
Yes?
OBERON
Lysander's been communing with a muse friend of yours and you're just now mentioning this?
TITANIA
I have, in fact, mentioned it before. It's hardly my fault your memory is fading with age.
OBERON
My memory is not-- Hey! We made a bet, and you have inside information?
TITANIA
[patient and smug]
We all have inside information, we've been listening to their conversations live on air.
OBERON
You know what I mean! It's hardly a fair wager, if you have information I don’t.
TITANIA
[Dropping smugness for a moment]
Oh, relax. All I’ve learned from Cobweb is that he’s flighty and “ethically slutty”, which you should have been able to figure out on your own.
[Smugness back!]
But my dear, if you fear losing to me, you need only say. We can come up with some...forfeit.
OBERON
[Sputters]
I'm NOT saying any such thing! I'm just saying...
[Doesn't know what he's saying]
I'm just saying the odds should be adjusted, and my winnings increased when Lysander doesn't move in after all.
TITANIA
The wager has been made. Robin, dearest, what do you think?
PUCK
In a way, you're both right.
OBERON
What?
PUCK
She did tell you, Oberon. About Cobweb. And you shook on the wager.
OBERON
Whose side are you on?
PUCK
But really, Titania, what would it hurt to promise more? If you're so sure of yourself?
[Threatening riff.]
PUCK
[amused]
Oh hey, looks like it's going live!
Scene Two
Setting: Mortals’ apartment.
HELENA
Goooood morning listeners! Today’s the day! It’s move-in day!
DEME...
Episode 6: All is Mended
A Midsummer's Quarantine
07/25/21 • 34 min
Titania and Oberon decide what to do about the chaos among the mortals. Puck plots his next move.
To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm
To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com.
To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.
Episode Six: All is Mended
Cast (In Order of Appearance)
Puck -- JOE CRUZ
Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER
Helena -- AMELIA KINCH
Demetrius -- TONY WOODS
Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI
Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS
Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM
Scene One
[Replay the last few minutes of last episode, with Helena threatening to move out followed by end music, which shuts off with a “pause” noise. Followed by the longest, most pregnant pause in the series yet.]
TITANIA
Don’t.
OBERON
Hey Puck, what did I say after last episode?
TITANIA
Don’t.
PUCK
Honestly, there’s a lot you could be referring to.
TITANIA
Oberon, I swear --
OBERON
Let’s start with the part about Helena moving out, since that’s exactly what’s happening.
PUCK
Got it! You said -
[Oberon voice]
Eventually, they’re either going to go back to something stable, or they’re going to leave.
[Puck voice]
And then you said -
[Oberon voice]
If they don’t kill each other, they’re gonna get tired of living in this weird, shitty limbo and they’re all just going to move.
[Puck voice]
And then -- (you said)
TITANIA
ENOUGH! I get it, okay?
OBERON
So you admit that throwing bullshit into a relationship just to force change doesn’t work?
TITANIA
[Stammering a bit]
N-no! That isn’t the lesson here!
OBERON
Are you serious?
TITANIA
I stand by everything I said.
PUCK
Does that include -
[Titania voice]
You really think she’s going to leave it all behind just because things got a little more exciting?
TITANIA
Okay, fine, not everything I said! But most of it! It’s not all bad! Helena’s actually sorting out her feelings. That never would’ve happened without us!
OBERON
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the wind whistling through our soon-to-be-empty pantries.
TITANIA
Oh, gods. Look, like I said, I get it, okay? Even if I win a moral victory,
[retching noises from Oberon]
there’s no point if we’ve got nothing to eat.
OBERON
Moral victory?
TITANIA
Well, I bet Helena in a Handbasket’s ratings are way better now! Everything was so boring before that it definitely would’ve gotten cancelled eventually anyway!
PUCK
Do podcasts have ratings?
OBERON
Well, looks like we’ll never find out.
TITANIA
And I won the wager! Lysander still hasn’t left!
OBERON
Yes, well, with no emotions to siphon, I can’t make bread either way.
[Beat]
TITANIA
[Sigh]
You’re right. You’re right! We’ve fucked up our one and only food source for the pandemic. This has gone on long enough.
OBERON
Yeah. I think it has.
PUCK
[Aside, under his breath, very excited]
Here we go...
TITANIA
The only thing we can do now is work together to fix it.
PUCK
What?
OBERON
[Skeptical]
You’ve seen what “fixing” things has done.
PUCK
Yeah, yeah, no more fixing things. Look at you two! You can’t even fix yourselves!
TITANIA
Oberon and I haven’t tried to fix anything. We’ve just been letting you run wild.
PUCK
I did what you two asked me to!
OBERON
You did not -- (do what I asked)
T...
Episode 5: Fond Pageantry
A Midsummer's Quarantine
07/18/21 • 30 min
Things escalate with the mortals when Hermia drinks some of Puck's concoction. It starts to look bleak for Oberon and Titania...'s favorite podcast.
To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm
To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com
To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense.
Episode Five: Fond Pageantry
Cast (In Order of Appearance)
Puck -- JOE CRUZ
Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER
Helena -- AMELIA KINCH
Demetrius -- TONY WOODS
Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI
Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS
Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM
Scene One
INT. MORTAL’S APT.
HERMIA
So is this one live, then?
HELENA
Yeah, we’re live now. On air.
HERMIA
That is so brave, Helena, just putting yourself out there like that.
HELENA
Uh, thanks.
HERMIA
And I mean, it says a lot about how much Demetrius cares about you that he’s cool with it.
HELENA
What? Oh god, is it too much? I did try to make sure you were comfortable with--(it before you moved in)
HERMIA
Oh my god, Helena, it’s fine! I’m just saying, Demetrius isn’t exactly a public figure...
HELENA
You see yourself as a public figure?
HERMIA
And he’s not exactly a performer, you know?
HELENA
Ok look, I know I’ve been kinda pushing you two together, but you don’t have to--(insult him)
HERMIA
He’s like. Really real, you know?
HELENA
Oh. Yeah, I guess--
HERMIA
Just really genuine. And you know I’ll only let the best people be with my girl, right?
HELENA
...Oh. Well.
[knock on apartment door]
DEMETRIUS
[coming into the room in a hurry]
I’ll get it! None of you brilliant artists should be disturbed from your work.
LYSANDER
[following]
You don’t have to flee the conversation, Demetrius, I was just saying I don’t want you to get too attached. I’m flattered, you’re a beautiful man...
DEMETRIUS
Oh, Lysander, my beauty can’t hope to compare to yours.
LYSANDER
[sputtering] Well! That’s very kind, but -- (you shouldn’t)
[Demetrius opens the door]
PUCK
Drama delivery!
DEMETRIUS
Oh hello, it’s you. Wait what?
PUCK
[like he’s an idiot]
Drizly delivery? What else would I have said?
HERMIA
What’s this?
PUCK
This is an apology. Or confession. Whatever works.
[exaggerated sympathy]
Demetrius, I have to confess. I’ve been listening. Like I said last time, I’m a--
DEMETRIUS
A basketcase, yeah.
PUCK
Exactly. And well, it sounds like you’ve been having difficulties adjusting to some of the changes lately. Am I right?
DEMETRIUS
Not at all! I’m better than ever! How can I not be, surrounded by such beautiful -- (people)
PUCK
Yeah, yeah. Come here for a sec?
DEMETRIUS
What?
PUCK
Just... a little closer.
[Beat. Then a gross MWAH noise, followed by sputtering from DEMETRIUS]
That ought to do it!
DEMETRIUS
[still sputtering]
Did you just kiss me?
PUCK
Yep! You should be fixed now. Oh, but I did want to apologize for all the fuss, so I brought this for you. Your other favorite.
DEMETRIUS
[warily]
I don’t think I want anything from you.
PUCK
I’m sorry, you’re just one of my favorite podcast personalities! I couldn’t help myself. Take the drink in penance.
DEMETRIUS
Ok how did you know about this one? I don’t think I’ve ever said anything...
HERMIA
Demetrius, you didn’t tell me you had such amazing taste in beer!
DEMETRIUS
Actually I don’t think I’ve told anyone--
HERMIA
You know, you really...
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FAQ
How many episodes does A Midsummer's Quarantine have?
A Midsummer's Quarantine currently has 6 episodes available.
What topics does A Midsummer's Quarantine cover?
The podcast is about Fiction, Comedy Fiction, Comedy and Podcasts.
What is the most popular episode on A Midsummer's Quarantine?
The episode title 'Episode 6: All is Mended' is the most popular.
What is the average episode length on A Midsummer's Quarantine?
The average episode length on A Midsummer's Quarantine is 31 minutes.
How often are episodes of A Midsummer's Quarantine released?
Episodes of A Midsummer's Quarantine are typically released every 7 days.
When was the first episode of A Midsummer's Quarantine?
The first episode of A Midsummer's Quarantine was released on Jun 20, 2021.
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