A Life and Death Conversation, Dr. Bob Uslander Ep. 1
09/20/18 • 26 min
Dr.Bob Uslander: Just me. I will be having guests and bring a number of fascinating, interested, and dedicated people onto this show to share their wisdom and expertise. I thought I would take this first show as an opportunity to introduce myself and give you a bit more of an understanding of why I feel this topic and this conversation is so vitally important.
Every day in the course of my work, I have life and death conversations. I talk with people about how to make their life better, more comfortable, more supported and, frankly, more enjoyable. I also talk with people about how to make their death better. When people are no longer able to find comfort, or joy, or meaning in their lives because they're old or they're sick, the only thing that they really look forward to at that point is their death and it's amazing to me when somebody is willing to sit with them and talk about that in a comfortable way, in a way that doesn't make them feel judged or make them feel afraid. They open up. They are so grateful to have that kind of honest conversation and connection.
I've been a physician now for close to 30 years and I've had so many conversations. Initially, I was very uncomfortable with the whole concept of death. When I first finished medical school and began my training and then my work as an ER physician, I had a lot of encounters with death. But, for the beginning of the early part of my career, death was always the enemy. When somebody died, it was a failure and we tried to avoid that at all costs. As I've gotten older, hopefully, a little wiser, and I've had more experiences, personal experiences, as well as experiences in my career, I've come to understand the concept of death and how death fits in a much deeper way. I no longer feel that it's the enemy. I actually feel a close kinship, a friendship with death. That's what I want this conversation to do for others, to help you and everybody learn how to feel like death is not your enemy but your friend.
This is delicate stuff. I get that. It's very important stuff. I believe that as a society we need to become more comfortable with the concept of death. We need to understand how our idea of death influences our life day-to-day because death is as much a part of life as birth. They're two sides of the same coin.
We have no trouble talking about birth. Will it be a natural birth or will it happen in the hospital? Will it be quick? Will it go on for hours or days? Who will be in the delivery room? It's a very natural thing for people to excitedly discuss all the details of the birth of a child. We even have parties to celebrate the upcoming birth and that's great. I think that's the way it should be, but only a small number of people seem comfortable talking about death whether we're discussing our own death or the death of someone else. Most people do anything they can to avoid that conversation or they quickly change the subject when in a conversation.
This avoidance of talking about death leads to an amazing, incredible amount of unnecessary struggle. It leads to anxiety. It leads to regret. It leads to guilt that can last a lifetime for a person who experiences the death of a loved one or a friend. I want to repeat that because really that's the reason I'm having this conversation. Refusing to talk about death leads to an enormous amount of anxiety, struggle, regret, and guilt. Most of that is completely avoidable.
I believe the reason that I've been so successful in my new medical practice, which is in large part helping people to have a more dignified and peaceful end of life, is because I'm willing to talk about this. I'm willing to talk about death in a way that most physicians aren't. Unfortunately, most doctors are as uncomfortable and maybe even more uncomfortable talking about death than their patients. This really compounds the problem. One of my goals is to help you help everyone feel more comfortable talking about death because I'm convinced that's how we can achieve a better life.
I want you to be more comfortable so that you can figure out how to make sure that you or someone that you care about has the most comfortable and struggle-free death whenever that happens. I want you to have the tools you need so if you're supporting a loved one through the end of their life or you're approaching the end of your life, you don't end up having regret. If you are supporting a loved one, I don't want you to have regret and guilt about what you did or didn't do during that time. When you're right in the middle of that storm, that's not the time to be preparing. The time to do that is now while you ...
Dr.Bob Uslander: Just me. I will be having guests and bring a number of fascinating, interested, and dedicated people onto this show to share their wisdom and expertise. I thought I would take this first show as an opportunity to introduce myself and give you a bit more of an understanding of why I feel this topic and this conversation is so vitally important.
Every day in the course of my work, I have life and death conversations. I talk with people about how to make their life better, more comfortable, more supported and, frankly, more enjoyable. I also talk with people about how to make their death better. When people are no longer able to find comfort, or joy, or meaning in their lives because they're old or they're sick, the only thing that they really look forward to at that point is their death and it's amazing to me when somebody is willing to sit with them and talk about that in a comfortable way, in a way that doesn't make them feel judged or make them feel afraid. They open up. They are so grateful to have that kind of honest conversation and connection.
I've been a physician now for close to 30 years and I've had so many conversations. Initially, I was very uncomfortable with the whole concept of death. When I first finished medical school and began my training and then my work as an ER physician, I had a lot of encounters with death. But, for the beginning of the early part of my career, death was always the enemy. When somebody died, it was a failure and we tried to avoid that at all costs. As I've gotten older, hopefully, a little wiser, and I've had more experiences, personal experiences, as well as experiences in my career, I've come to understand the concept of death and how death fits in a much deeper way. I no longer feel that it's the enemy. I actually feel a close kinship, a friendship with death. That's what I want this conversation to do for others, to help you and everybody learn how to feel like death is not your enemy but your friend.
This is delicate stuff. I get that. It's very important stuff. I believe that as a society we need to become more comfortable with the concept of death. We need to understand how our idea of death influences our life day-to-day because death is as much a part of life as birth. They're two sides of the same coin.
We have no trouble talking about birth. Will it be a natural birth or will it happen in the hospital? Will it be quick? Will it go on for hours or days? Who will be in the delivery room? It's a very natural thing for people to excitedly discuss all the details of the birth of a child. We even have parties to celebrate the upcoming birth and that's great. I think that's the way it should be, but only a small number of people seem comfortable talking about death whether we're discussing our own death or the death of someone else. Most people do anything they can to avoid that conversation or they quickly change the subject when in a conversation.
This avoidance of talking about death leads to an amazing, incredible amount of unnecessary struggle. It leads to anxiety. It leads to regret. It leads to guilt that can last a lifetime for a person who experiences the death of a loved one or a friend. I want to repeat that because really that's the reason I'm having this conversation. Refusing to talk about death leads to an enormous amount of anxiety, struggle, regret, and guilt. Most of that is completely avoidable.
I believe the reason that I've been so successful in my new medical practice, which is in large part helping people to have a more dignified and peaceful end of life, is because I'm willing to talk about this. I'm willing to talk about death in a way that most physicians aren't. Unfortunately, most doctors are as uncomfortable and maybe even more uncomfortable talking about death than their patients. This really compounds the problem. One of my goals is to help you help everyone feel more comfortable talking about death because I'm convinced that's how we can achieve a better life.
I want you to be more comfortable so that you can figure out how to make sure that you or someone that you care about has the most comfortable and struggle-free death whenever that happens. I want you to have the tools you need so if you're supporting a loved one through the end of their life or you're approaching the end of your life, you don't end up having regret. If you are supporting a loved one, I don't want you to have regret and guilt about what you did or didn't do during that time. When you're right in the middle of that storm, that's not the time to be preparing. The time to do that is now while you ...
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Healing After A Loss, Ken Druck Ep. 3
Dr. Ken Druck's work in personal transformation, male psychology, parenting, and grief literacy has awakened readers to their absolute best selves for almost four decades. In this episode, Dr. Druck and Dr. Bob talk about healing after a loss. Contact Dr. Ken Druck website Transcript
Dr. Bob: I'm here with a good friend of mine who I'm excited to have this conversation with. Ken Druck and I have had many conversations over the years, most of which end up being fairly deep and a lot of insights come out of them. I think we're just both in this space of really contemplating life as well as death just because of who we are and our experiences. I'm excited to have Ken share some of his insights. He'll do that in just a moment, but I'd like to introduce him to you. Ken's work in personal transformation, parenting, psychology, and the literacy of grief has really helped people become, I think, their best selves for almost 40 years now. When you look at Ken, you can't believe he's been doing this work for that long. He's the recipient of numerous awards including a Distinguished Contribution to Psychology, Visionary Leadership Award.
He has really a lifetime of service to the community. He's recognized really as a lifeline to people all over the world, to individuals, families, and communities through his work, which includes the founding of the Jenna Druck Center to honor the life and spirit of his daughter, Jenna; and we'll talk a bit about Jenna and the foundation that he created. Ken really has kind of set a new standard of care and healing out of tragedies like 9/11, Columbine, Katrina, and Sandy Hook, and I look forward to having him talk a little bit about how those experiences have shaped his life and his perspective. Ken has recently come out with a new book called Courageous Aging: Your Best Years Ever Reimagined. In this book, Dr. Ken explores the fears, some of the myths and biases in our culture about aging, so it's a perfect setup here for this conversation. In the book, he also kind of debunks a lot of the myths and offers a path to help people immerse themselves in the wisdom that we've cultivated over the course of our lives. With that introduction, I would like to introduce and ask Ken to say hello.
Dr. Ken Druck: Greetings, Bob. So good to be with you and in a conversation, in a life and death conversation. My goodness. What a wonderful forum you've created to be able to talk openly and safely about all these important issues that so directly improve the quality of our lives and the quality of our deaths.
Dr. Bob: Yeah. Well, I appreciate that. The inspiration for this really comes from life, from just being in this space. You're the same way. You're having conversations with people, both personal and in your professional life. I think, like me, there are many times when you think, wow, if somebody else had been able to listen in on this conversation, how much value would they have received, how much insight into their own issues and their own struggles and their own sort of triumphs. The conversations I have with my patients, with their families, with people like you, I think are so valuable, and I don't want to keep it to ourselves, right? I feel compelled and pulled to really allow people in on these conversations, so thank you for being willing to join in.
Dr. Ken Druck: Thank you for having me.
Dr. Bob: Yeah, absolutely. In your introduction, I abbreviated it. There's so much more, and I think we're going to have a conversation that will last about 30 minutes. I know that the wealth of information that you have and the experiences and insights could go on for 30 hours or potentially 30 days. It's going to be a challenge, but we're going to try to keep this concise enough, and then probably have follow- up conversations as time goes on. I posed some questions to you in advance of our conversation, and I want to jump right in. I don't mince words, and I don't pull back. I just want to get this out there because I want this to be part of our conversation, and I want it to inform and infuse our conversation. What are your thoughts about death? Are you afraid of dying? Do you have fear about dying? When you think about death, what comes up for you?
Dr. Ken Druck: Well, it's a great question that does go right to the core. For me, the fear or the feelings about death are a moving target. It's not as though you run a marathon and you cross the 26-mile line and it's done. I think things that happen over the seasons and the course of our lives ask us or challenge us or force us to confront how we feel about death, and I'm no different. The death of my daughter 21 years ago was an opportunity as well as a tragedy— the opportunity to face down my biggest fears of death. My daughter had died. I had to come face-to-face with that reality, starting with holding her body in my hands, in...
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Understanding Palliative Care, Dr. Michael Fratkin Ep. 29
Dr. Michael Fratkin founded ResolutionCare to insure capable and soulful care of everyone, everywhere as they approach the completion of life. Learn how telehealth applications are bringing a greater quality of living and dying to those in need.
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Transcript
Note: A Life and Death Conversation is produced for the ear. The optimal experience will come from listening to it. We provide the transcript as a way to easily navigate to a particular section and for those who would like to follow along using the text. We strongly encourage you to listen to the audio which allows you to hear the full emotional impact of the show. A combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers generates transcripts which may contain errors. The corresponding audio should be checked before quoting in print.
Please note there is some content that is explicit in this episode.
Dr. Bob: Dr. Michael Fratkin is the President and Founder of Resolution Care. Dr. Fratkin is a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a physician, and a very dear friend of mine. Dr. Fratkin is dedicated to the well-being of his community and the community of all human beings. Since completing his training, he's made his home and built his family in rural Northern California. He's served his community as a primary care physician in the community health system, as a medical director of the local hospice, as a leader in the community hospital medical staff, and has been a transformative voice for improving the experience for people facing the end of life.
At a time of great demographic and cultural change in our society, Dr. Fratkin has created Resolution Care to ensure capable and soulful care of everyone, everywhere, as they approach the completion of their life. Resolution Care is leveraging partnerships with existing healthcare providers and payers to provide telehealth services that bring a greater quality of life and greater quality of dying. The palliative care team at Resolution Care openly shares their expertise and mentorship so that people can receive the care they need, where they live, and on their own terms.
In this podcast interview, Dr. Fratkin shares his passion and his intimate experience as a provider of care. He's innovative; he's creative, he's dedicated beyond what I've experienced with just about anybody else who I've communicated with about palliative care and end-of-life care. I think you're gonna find this podcast to be incredibly informative and really interesting.
Okay, Michael, thank you so much for taking time out of your day. I know you've got lots of irons in the fire and lots of people vying for your attention. So I really appreciate having time to connect with you.
Yeah. You know, it's interesting. I always enjoy talking with you. We connect sporadically, not as much as either of us would probably want, but we have been pretty consistent in finding times to connect and catch each other up on what's happening with our lives and our different enterprises. And what's interesting is, after our conversations, I always think to myself, "I wish other people could have heard that. I wish other people had a chance to listen in and hear what we're developing, and sort of the passion that comes out in these conversations." They're so informative, for me, and I find it so inspiring to hear what you're doing and the service that you're providing and creating. So today we have that opportunity so that people are going to be able to listen in on our conversation.
In the introduction, I shared a bit about what you're doing, who you are, but I'd like to have you just do a little synopsis of what Resolution Care is doing currently, where it started from its humble beginnings, and what your vision is for where this is heading.
Dr. Fratkin: I'm a dad, I'm a husband, I'm a brother, I'm a son, I'm a whole lot of stuff. But I'm also what's called a palliative care doctor. And your group of listeners probably know a little bit about what that is, but the way that I describe it for people is that there are really three central elements. That number one, we don't take care of any patients. We support people as they find their way through serious illness. We support people with a team; we support their families. Our team includes nurses, doctors, social workers, chaplains, nurse practitioners, community health workers, and all the people that they don't necessarily see, but that are just as important to creating a container for our care, the back office, and operational people.
So the first principle is, is that we are a person-centered, not a patient-centered, but a person-centered initiative. And that those persons, the reason I distinguish it ... It's not just the patients or their families, but the people providing the care that are centra...
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