The Relaxed Male

We often come across people who claim we are wrong, or that we have someone who is completely wrong and has no clue about the topic at hand. An instance where so many people who didn't know what they were talking about are often seen as blowhards or complete fools.

Today it seems like everybody has to be right. Insistent on being right and even when you prove that they’re wrong. they find a reason to be right. I’m not pointing out one particular set of folks with this either. I find myself being very insistent that I am right.

So many times we don’t want to be seen as wrong. This could be because we think it will be detrimental to our reputation, or that we will lose respect in our particular tribe. If we lose the respect in our tribe then who knows maybe we will be kicked out. We might be banished and exiled to the wilderness and then how are we gonna protect ourselves? This is the basis of all our fears.

We often want to make the thought of us being wrong as being a bad thing. It is a detriment to who we are in society. It is problematic because people turned us for answers and so we have to know the answers. We have to be right all the time.

These are all thought errors that we have when we are faced with the possibility of being wrong. We often want to make the thought of us being wrong as being a bad thing. It is a detriment to who we are in society. It is problematic because people turn to us for answers and so if we have to know the answers, we won’t be good leaders. We have to be right all the time. These are all thought errors that we have when we are faced with the possibility of being wrong.

So what if you are wrong? Is that really a bad thing? Is it really that critical to you and your organization, that you have to be right 100% of the time? The answer is no. You don’t have to be right hundred percent time. You don’t even have to be right 50% of the time.

Yeah you feel good being right but being right isn’t always good. The times that you get it wrong is where the learning comes from. This is where your team gets to shine. They are able to actually contribute to the solution. You help your team by not knowing all the answers.

Most of the time it is our egos that are fueling the arguments and disagreements online. This ego stops us from fully understanding the other side's line of thinking.

Whether it is a Twitter user who’s always sliding into your discussion with their own perceived irrationally laid out thought or your aunt who’s got to correct you on seemingly everything. The ego is why people argue. They have to be right because if they are wrong, who knows what will happen?

It isn't who they are that irritates you. It is what you believe about that person. The stories you have told yourself about that person are what is causing all the strife.

So what would happen if you stopped and listen to what the other person said? How would you show up if the other person you are arguing with showed you the respect you believe you deserve? Know how to get that respect?

You get curious. you ask questions. Ask one question strictly to hear their full answer. Then ask another question pertaining to that answer. Just keep doing that, just ask questions. You don't have to get a word in edgewise. You don't have to give your side of the argument at all. You hardly even have to speak. Doing this and the respect you build with the other person grows.

How are you supposed to win the argument? Who said you lost? If you think you are going to be doing and recruiting for your side then think again. You aren't going to convert a socialist to a capitalist overnight. You aren't going to bring your soon-to-be ex-wife back into your arms simply because you stated some fact. Remember they have their own thoughts about the circumstance. So don't even worry about perceived victories. You are just building understanding. As the 5 habits of an effective person say.

Seek furst to understand before being understood

When you take the time to understand another person you build a rapport with them. When the other person feels they are understood by you they are more likely to listen to what you have to say. The defenses are down when you actually try to understand where the other person is coming from.

It doesn't matter how many facts you have in your arsenal if the other person doesn't hear them you are wrong.

Now, this may sound like an obvious bit of knowledge but I see many men ask why is divorce so hard? There are many reasons as to why it hurts so much, why you are having to suffer, and more thoughts like that. Yet we keep with the dirty pain and keep resisting the facts that are at hand. We want to control the circumstances in our life. Yet doing so only increases the suffering we experience.

This is the pain we resist. It is pain that we believe is happening to us and is keeping us in a perpetual state of suffering

This is the pain we feel as we allow the feeling we have to process out and let the emotion run its course.

The fact that you have been served or you have only been told that your spouse wants a divorce the thoughts you have about the circumstance surrounding the divorce are what causes your pain. It's not the fact that your wife said, "I want a divorce" It's not any of her actions around the topic. It is only your thoughts about the divorce and the indulgent emotions you have that keep you in this state of pain.

The divorce is neutral. It's not good nor is it bad. If it wasn't neutral you and your spouse would both be feeling the same pain. Yet you see her out enjoying life, while you are sitting at home drinking scotch on the rocks and wondering where you went wrong. Wondering why he gets to have a good time and not you?

You and your spouse had an emotional bond. Now that bond is cut into two. That is painful. Everybody is hurting. This is often why you get so many people lashing out at each other. That is because of the pain and the fear that they are feeling. The severing and end of a relationship are hard and so yeah it hurts because you are grieving the death of a marriage.

Ever find yourself thinking over and over about something that was said. Or how do you react? This often is associated with people who have PTSD. They go over and over the tragedy they experienced. A person who is told that their partner doesn't want to be with them cause lots of emotional turmoil and those emotions are from the thought you are thinking. Then you think them over and over and over again hoping that you have a different result. The sad part is that doesn't change the circumstance that your wife is wanting a divorce.

We hate to feel bad. So we resist the emotions we feel. We will start to eat more. We may turn to alcohol for the blurring effect it provides. We may turn into our depression or even work because then we don't have to face the circumstances.

Yet life is 50/50 and to experience joy all the time would be weird. How your you like to react with happiness by being told that your marriage is over? There are times to be sad and times to be happy. Without the low parts of life, we cant fully enjoy the high times.

Yes, You can accept the pain and allow it to flow its course. It doesn't make it hurt any less at first. Yet as you keep working on your thoughts around the divorce you can start to see places where you can be grateful for the experiences you had with your spouse.

Look at each thought you have. You can do this with a thought download. This is where you write each and every thought about the divorce down on a piece of paper. From here you can see what you are thinking about. You can then see what thoughts actually serve you and what thoughts actually don't serve you. You can choose to remove the thoughts that don't serve you and look at all the thoughts that do.

• why did I waste all that time with her?
• What did I do wrong?
• How come she gets to be happy?
• Will I ever find love again?
• Why are women such bitches?
• When does the hurt go away?
• How can I get her back?
• How do I save My Money?

None of these thoughts serve you. Some are disempowering while others are just flat-out indulgent thoughts that provide no solution.

Finally allow your emotions to be. Don't resist them. Don't run from them. Look and examine each emotion as you experience them.

From here there are many different ways you can help yourself.

Get coaching

Join the Brotherhood

What is Work initiative?
In this week's episode of The Relaxed Male, we delve into the concept of work intimacy, a lesser-known but vital form of intimacy that influences our relationships both at home and in the workplace. Host Brian Goodwin explores how work intimacy fits into the broader spectrum of intimacy types, including emotional, intellectual, and experiential intimacy. He discusses the importance of effective communication and collaboration with our partners and colleagues, emphasizing how these interactions can strengthen our bonds and lead to personal growth.
Brian shares personal anecdotes about the challenges and rewards of working closely with a spouse, highlighting the need for presence and understanding in shared projects. He explains how work intimacy is not just about professional relationships but also about how we share our work experiences and problem-solving processes with our partners. This episode encourages listeners to embrace discomfort as a path to achieving deeper connections and a more fulfilling life.
Listeners are invited to reflect on their own work intimacy and consider how it impacts their overall relationship health. Brian also offers a preview of next week's episode, which will focus on physical intimacy, and extends an invitation to try a free coaching session to explore personal challenges further.
Links
Mini Coaching Session - https://www.relaxedmale.com/trycoaching
Podcast 2.0 app - https://www.relaxedmale.com/newapps

Join the Operation: Tears of the 22 Off the Hardball event for the veterans. WIll be happening on August 5-8 at Byrd Adventure Center In the beautiful Ozark National Park Sign up Today

How do I simplify life and be happy?

How to always be happy? Well, I will break it to you you can and actually don't want to be happy all the time. How would it look if you were at your grandmother's funeral and you were just sitting around with a grin on your face? If you were punched in the face you don't want to be just all happy go lucky no you would be upset and rightfully so.

So how do you be happy? You accept that life is 50/50. That is life is 50% pleasure and 50% pain. Now, what does pain entail, because it sounds unpleasant right? Yeah, it is anything that is unpleasant or uncomfortable. Feeling awkward is classified as pain. It's not fun feeling like a fish out of water but it is going to happen and it's going to happen often. So, you need to practice accepting that life isn’t going to be all sunshine and lollipops. That is where much of people's anxiety comes from they think they have to be happy and they aren’t they are feeling scared or awkward or uncomfortable in some way and they obsess over this fact that they don't feel like they believe they should.

Now you can also mitigate your emotional being by understanding that all your emotions are not created by your environment. No, your environment has no control over you, people have no control over your emotions. They cant make you mad nor can they make you happy. You can respond to their actions.

You can have a thought about what they said and if it isn’t pleasant then you can actually start working on changing the perspective as to how you are thinking. Take someone cutting you off in traffic. That person may not have seen you because he just got a call that his daughter was in an accident and is being taken to the hospital. Then again it could be that the guy is just being a jerk because he can. You don't know and you can't change his mind by honking at his car.

Your emotions come from your thoughts. Your thoughts come from the circumstance you are currently in. The circumstance is nothing but fact. If there is an emotion tied to that fact that isn’t a fact it is a thought. Mrs, Johnson is being mean to me. That is a thought. I didn’t do my homework and Mrs. Johnson said I have to stay in for recess is a fact. Do you sort of understand?

So how do you be happy? You choose to love others. See your world for all the opportunities you have available in your life. Writing out a list of what you are grateful for at that very moment helps a lot. Give a person the benefit of the doubt. Keep practicing allow yourself to fail from time to time. And eventually, you will start to see the rainbow cant be around without some rain.

The heaviest package you will carry

• You are always working on letting that grudge live in your mind.
• You are obsessing over what that person will do and that takes energy.
• You are often fooling yourself thinking that your grudge is thinking of ways to get you and they aren't thinking of you at all.

Why are they bad?

• They cause undue stress
• That stress causes physical problems
• You are obsessing over something that often can't be fixed

How do you get rid of a grudge?

• forgive them
• Let it go
• Write it down on a piece of paper and then burn that paper.
• acknowledge that this grudge isn't serving you
• Walk a mile in that person's shoes