You Must Be Some Kind of Therapist

In today’s modern world, we are constantly fed mental shortcuts that can influence our thoughts and ideas. We aren’t required to do a lot of deep thinking into what we’re consuming, because all too often, an algorithm does that for us. Where does the responsibility lie? How reliant are we on mental shortcuts and the absence of deep thought? Are we satisfied with only being shown part of the whole picture? Are we getting full on what Xavier describes as the “junk food mental diet”?

In this thought-provoking conversation, we investigate how topics such as social incentives, groupthink, and heuristics, can all have an impact on our mental health, behavior and relationships.

We shift our conversation to explore different strategies and questions we can ask ourselves to counteract our natural cognitive biases.

Xavier Bonilla holds a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) and has been a licensed clinician doing mental health work for 15 years. He has worked in various inpatient and outpatient settings and has numerous experiences working with individuals that have serious mental illness. He is a former seminarian and is also a podcaster. His podcast, Converging Dialogues, is a podcast designed to have honest and authentic conversations with a diversity of thought and opinions from a wide-range of guests.

You can follow Xavier on Twitter @xavierbonilla87

Xavier's podcast, Converging Dialogues: https://linktr.ee/convergingdialogues

Xavier’s opinion pieces on centrism, nationalism, and Latinos: https://xavierabonilla.medium.com/

Early childhood relational experiences play a vital role in laying the foundation for health, happiness, love, security, and emotion regulation. Laura is an expert in this, as a CASA (court appointed special advocate) who has taken an oath to advocate for the needs of vulnerable children.

In this episode, we explore how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is limited in its ability to reach these deeper layers of the brain formed by our early attachments. Laura makes a case for the value of "right brain therapies," such as Dr. Laurence Heller's Neuro Affective Relational Model (NARM). We discuss the need to re-parent those who have experienced complex/severe developmental trauma, and how mind-body lifestyle therapies such as physical activity, nature, ocean therapy, volunteering, and fostering animals, can all help develop "earned" secure attachment in adulthood.

Laura Wiley Haynes grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. She received a degree in English and American Literature from Brown University in 1983, and later her Master of Fine Arts, in Poetry, from The Bennington Writing Seminars. She worked in film in her early career, first in production and development and later as a screenwriter. After having children, she wrote part time from home, and over time became active as both a La Leche League Leader and a Bradley Childbirth Teacher. In 2015 Laura became a Court Appointed Special Advocate for Foster Youth, a trained paraprofessional role which combines advocacy, mentoring, and friendship for each foster youth, for as long they remain in the system. She has studied developmental psychology, neuroscience, and C-PTSD, to better understand the needs of this population, as well as the most effective ways of healing from early trauma.

She has been suspended from her Twitter account, @haynes_wiley. Please contact Twitter Support to encourage them to un-suspend her. You can reach Laura at [email protected].

Laura mentioned the Twitter account “Read Some Piaget, Please!” which you can follow @prof_curiosity1, and Darcia Navarez of Notre Dame University, who you can follow @MoralLandscapes.

Laura recommends the following books:

Dr. John Bowlby: Attachment

Dr. Allan Schore: Affect Regulation And The Origin of The Self

Sebern Fisher: The Use of Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma

Dr. Bessell van der Kolk: The Body Keeps The Score

Dr. Laurence Heller: Healing Developmental Trauma (NARM)

Dr. Peter Levine: Healing Trauma

Dr. Peter Levine: Waking The Tiger

Dr. Pat Ogden: Sensorimotor Psychotherapy

Darcia Narvaez: Neurobiology and the Development of Human Morality

Many listeners in their 30’s and beyond fear losing their well-established careers, reputations, or livelihoods should they risk speaking out over controversial issues. But what’s it like for the odd 20-something heretic who dares to dissent from their peers straight out of college?

If anyone has “lived experience” of this, it’s Sasha. In 2020, she was fired from her first full time job. Her reputation in the publishing industry was instantly destroyed, stopped before it could start. This wasn’t for lack of talent or dedication, but because she tweeted her opinion that men cannot be women.

Sasha didn’t let that crumble her. Instead, she took it as an opportunity to recognize a missing need in society, and got to work creating the Plebity Free Speech Fund, a sort of “cancellation insurance” offering security to those who fear threats to their livelihoods.

In this conversation, Sasha and I explore what she’s learned over the past three years and why she still finds it worthwhile to take such risks. We demystify common projections we’ve both faced as public figures who’ve survived in a post-cancellation world. Plus, we examine: who gets to determine what constitutes “hate speech?” Is “free speech” really nothing more than a conservative dog-whistle? Why does censorship backfire? And what can we learn from the cautionary tales of tyrannies past?

In this episode, we mentioned Abigail Shrier’s book, Irreversible Damage. You can get that and support the show through this Amazon affiliate link or from my bookshop.

We also mentioned episode 13 with Jessie Mannisto, Brains & Bravery: Turning Breakdowns into Breakthroughs. You can watch that on YouTube here or find it on any audio platform of your choice here.

And we discussed Sasha’s investigations into the famous TikTok surgeon who “yeets the teets,” Dr. Gallagher. Read Sasha’s article on Gallagher here.

In our conversation, I also mentioned I was thinking of writing a book. This episode was recorded back in August 2022, before I decided to write the Dear Detransitioners series. Since then, I did begin writing that book, but then I got busy with Affirmation Generation, so the book is on hold. I do intend to return to it when things settle down.

Sasha White co-founded the Plebity Free Speech Fund after getting fired for her tweets in 2020. The Fund awards grants to those who have been severely/materially punished for their speech. She is a columnist at Tablet Magazine and writes on Substack at Notes from the Underground and at Sasha White. Her interviews on gender identity, free speech, and censorship can be found on her YouTube channel. You can follow her on Twitter @iamGrushenka.

The esteemed Dr. Leonard Sax joins us this week to share his expertise on how sex differences impact child-rearing, parenting, and education. We begin with a discussion of biological differences between male and female brains, particularly when it comes to sense perception, which can lead to misunderstandings between the sexes. Dr. Sax highlights the importance of understanding these differences in order to optimize children’s learning and home environments.

The conversation then shifts to the topic of gender atypicality and how parents and educators might embrace the richness and complexity of the human experience, allowing children to explore their interests and preferences without being labeled transgender.

We discuss the challenges faced by boys in today's society, including the growing gender gap in academic achievements, and how teachers can cater to the unique developmental needs of both sexes in co-ed schools.

Dr. Sax provides practical advice for parents and educators on how to navigate sex differences and create a culture of respect and understanding. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing and celebrating the diversity of gender expression, while also respecting biological differences.

Leonard Sax MD PhD is a board-certified family physician and PhD psychologist with more than 30 years of clinical experience. Over the past 22 years, he has visited more than 500 schools across the United States and worldwide, speaking to parents about many topics including social media, video games, and gender issues. He also leads workshops for teachers on gender-aware instructional strategies, on building a culture of respect, and on dealing with difficult parents. He has published four books for parents: Why Gender Matters, Boys Adrift, Girls on the Edge, and The Collapse of Parenting, which was a New York Times bestseller. Dr. Sax graduated Phi Beta Kappa at age 19 from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and went on to earn both a Ph.D. in psychology and an M.D. from the University of Pennsylvania. Dr. Sax lives with his wife and teenage daughter in Pennsylvania. Visit his website at leonardsax.com.

Dr. Sax’s four books can all be found in my bookshop or via these Amazon affiliate links below. Thank you for your purchases that support the show!

Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know About the Emerging Science of Sex Differences

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

Girls on the Edge: Why So Many Girls Are Anxious, Wired, and Obsessed--And What Parents Can Do

The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups

00:00 Start

[00:02:26] Hardwired sex differences in senses.

[00:05:23] Sex differences in hearing.

[00:08:06] Women's Peripheral Vision and Men's Magnocellular System.

[00:11:23] Boys and bullying.

[00:14:34] Color naming gender differences.

[00:18:01] Color naming ability in children.

[00:21:30] Girls value friendship above team affiliation.

[00:24:57] School culture and music influence.

[00:28:52] Growing gender gap in achievement.

[00:32:49] Making school friendly to boys.

[00:37:14] Brain development differences in genders.

[00:41:05] Pervasive and troubling pornography.

[00:43:10] Rise in erectile dysfunction.

[00:48:28] Empowering young women's experiences.

[00:52:19] Disorders of sexual development.

[00:57:37] Intersex conditions and prevalence.

[00:59:41] Intersex being misunderstood.

[01:06:22] Intersex individuals and gender identity.

[01:09:11] XY male fetus and intersex.

[01:13:48] Personality traits and sex differences.

[01:19:48] Trans issues and stereotypes.

[01:22:15] Emotional development in girls.

[01:24:49] Teaching empathy to boys.

[01:28:14] Creating healthy role models.

[01:34:18] Autogynephilia and transgender issues.

[01:39:15] Transgender issues in current society.

[01:40:56] Lawsuit against American Academy of Pediatrics.

[01:43:04] Humans and grandkids.

[01:47:26] Disastrous laws allowing kids.

Many cultural critics have expressed a mounting concern about prevalent attitudes that promote fragile mentalities, potentially crippling a generation and leaving them underprepared for the demands of adult life. Today’s roundtable panel brings together experts in mental health, social work, and social-emotional learning to discuss these concerns. How do narratives about our ability to bounce back from adversity shape our mental health and impact our outcomes?

The discussion touches on the importance of self-awareness and the practice of mindfulness in strengthening our emotional resilience. But what happens when our nervous system goes haywire, and we can't trust our emotions? How do we navigate through moments of distress and disorientation?

The guests share personal experiences and insights on how to cultivate mental fitness in a world filled with fear and self-censorship. Join us as we unravel the complexities of emotional well-being and resilience in the modern age.

Jake Wiskerchen, LMFT owns and operates Zephyr Wellness in northern Nevada and serves on the board of Walk the Talk America. His emotional functioning videos mentioned in this episode can be found here. Follow him at Twitter/X: @jakewisk

Zander Keig, LCSW, is an award-winning social worker, speaker, caregiver, and educator who presents sought-after emotional well-being webinars and hosts the popular Umbrella Hour podcast. Zander co-founded the LGBTQ Caregiver Center, publishes change-maker stories at Third Space Press, and serves as a Caregiving.com LGBT Expert and Pride 365 Champion.

Jason Littlefield is an educator and advocate for personal well-being and societal well-being. He is the author of Empowered Humanity Theory: A Framework For An Empowering And Dignified Life. He's served more than years in public education in the capacity of teacher/coach, assistant principal and Social Emotional Learning. Jason has impacted students globally, including in Taiwan, China, and Benin, Africa. He works to reduce human division and promote personal well-being through EmpowerED Pathways, Free Black Thought, and The Institute for Liberal Values.

Books mentioned in this episode:

• "The Psychology of Emotions" by Carroll Izard

Previous episodes mentioned:

• Jake Wiskerchen: episodes 2 & 97
• Zander Keig: 38
• Jason Littlefield: 46
• Sara Stockton: 93

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SHOW NOTES & transcript with help from SwellAI.

MUSIC: Thanks to Joey Pecoraro for our song, “Half Awake,” used with gratitude & permission.

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