The Women Who Regret Having Kids with Orna Donath
10/09/22 • 56 min
Sociologist Orna Donath, author of the book Regretting Motherhood, on the roots and the impact on women of society's greatest taboo. In the episode we discuss:
-Why the subject of “regretting motherhood” is so taboo – and why it is so hard for women to express their regret about having kids
-The “feeling rules” about motherhood, which only permit us to feel a certain way about it
-Why loving one’s children and loving being a mom are not the same thing
-Why there is no country or society where femininity is not synonymous with motherhood
-The importance of acknowledging the diversity among women and all female identifying individuals when it comes to our gifts, our limitations, and our desires for our lives
-Why maternal regret is often hidden by complaints about the material difficulties of the role
-The damage done to children when women are pushed into motherhood against their will
-Why being honest about how things really are – no matter how painful – creates a culture of trust and helps people feel more secure
-Why telling women they will regret not having kids is a “political use of emotion”
-Insights from Orna’s new study, which looks at the lives of older women without kids
-Why people – especially women - who chose to live alone are also subject to stigma concerning their life choices
Get your copy of Regretting Motherhood by Orna Donath HERE.
You can also pre-order your copy of Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood HERE.
Sociologist Orna Donath, author of the book Regretting Motherhood, on the roots and the impact on women of society's greatest taboo. In the episode we discuss:
-Why the subject of “regretting motherhood” is so taboo – and why it is so hard for women to express their regret about having kids
-The “feeling rules” about motherhood, which only permit us to feel a certain way about it
-Why loving one’s children and loving being a mom are not the same thing
-Why there is no country or society where femininity is not synonymous with motherhood
-The importance of acknowledging the diversity among women and all female identifying individuals when it comes to our gifts, our limitations, and our desires for our lives
-Why maternal regret is often hidden by complaints about the material difficulties of the role
-The damage done to children when women are pushed into motherhood against their will
-Why being honest about how things really are – no matter how painful – creates a culture of trust and helps people feel more secure
-Why telling women they will regret not having kids is a “political use of emotion”
-Insights from Orna’s new study, which looks at the lives of older women without kids
-Why people – especially women - who chose to live alone are also subject to stigma concerning their life choices
Get your copy of Regretting Motherhood by Orna Donath HERE.
You can also pre-order your copy of Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood HERE.
Previous Episode
A Legacy for Womankind Beyond Motherhood with Jeanne Safer
Psychotherapist Jeanne Safer, author of the 1996 book Beyond Motherhood on why not all women are destined to become mothers—and that's okay. In the episode we discuss:
-Anticipating—and fearing—our parents’ responses to us writing on this subject
-The value in accepting the cold, hard facts, for healing family dysfunction
-Why being a “woman without kids” is still seen as so taboo – and the internal questions that can arise as a result
-The liberation that results from staying true to what is right for you
-How attitudes have changed in the 25+ years since Jeanne’s book was published
-Working through the shame of feeling insufficiently “loving” as a non-mother
-The traits that equip a person for the “psychological vocation” of motherhood
-Why there is no life without regrets – no matter what path we choose
-Using the climate as an “excuse” for not having kids
-How the IVF industry plays to women’s fears that they will regret not having kids
-Grieving not becoming a mother – no matter how you feel about not having kids
-Why “mothering” is not inherently “feminine” and why it’s okay not to feel a maternal instinct
You can learn more about Jeanne Safer, and her book Beyond Motherhood HERE. You can also read her follow-up essay in Meghan Daum's anthology, Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed: 16 Writers on the Decision Not to Have kids.
You can pre-order your copy of Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood HERE.
Next Episode
What is Ending When Our Lineage Ends With Us? With Dr. Jennifer Mullan
Dr. Jennifer Mullan of Decolonizing Therapy on non-motherhood as part of our intergenerational healing. In the episode we discuss:
-The intersections that are at play when we talk about intergenerational healing
-Different ways of thinking about what is “ending with us” when we don’t have kids
-The concept of the “soul wound” - and how this is passed on down the generations
-The trauma done to peoples - and lineages - across the globe by colonization, and the survivalist coping mechanisms that we have inherited from this
-Jennifer’s definition of “family dysfunction” - and how this is often a manifestation of these coping mechanisms
-Her experiences of family therapy, and how the focus is often on the child who is “acting out” - versus looking at the whole family system
-Why ambivalence about having children can reflect an intuitive pull not to pass intergenerational patters - or “curses” - on to a new generation
-“Parenting” in our activism or other community work - and prioritizing this over having kids
-What we are opting into when we “opt out” of having kids - whether this is a conscious choice or not
-How the pillaging of Mother Earth has impacted our capacity for mothering
-Jenn’s family’s response to her not pursuing motherhood - and her rage at their insensitivity around this
-The need for specific care and lifestyle options for older women without kids
Learn more and Dr. Jennifer Mullan and her work HERE and follow her on Instagram for updates about her forthcoming book, Decolonizing Therapy: Oppression, Historical Trauma & Politicizing Your Practice.
You can pre-order your copy of Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood HERE.
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