UndercoverTrucker 04

08/13/10 • 33 min

Undercover Trucker: How I Saved America by Truckin' Towels for the Taliban

In Episode #4, Billy Big Rig introduces us to his "Sand Freightliner" cellmate, Qaboos. His new friend tries to share the basic tenents of Islam with Billy, but Billy has a problem with any religion where a fella can't eat pork. But friendship is friendship, and when Billy catches wind of Qaboos' plan to escape with several of his fellow Islamic prisoners, Billy feels compelled to tell the warden -- not because he doesn't think Qaboos should be free, but because he would miss him as a friend. The warden has long since stopped accepting requests for a personal audience with Billy... but this time, well... the warden is interested. Billy finds himself in the warden's office, handcuffed naked to a cold, metal chair, faced with the warden, two "Freightliner" guards, and the most evil man to draw breath in the latter part of the 20th Century -- Bill Clinton.

WARNING! Billy sees himself as the very milk of human kindness and racial understanding. (Not so much with the gays, however.) You will not see him in the same light. In fact, you may find some of what he says to be offensive. If you have no concept of "satire" and still download this episode and find yourself shocked, appalled and offended, that's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

Previous Episode

UndercoverTrucker 03

In this episode, disgraced former alcoholic truck driver Billy Big Rig explains how he BECAME a disgraced former alcoholic truck driver. And it was all his own fault. He sees that now. And God must CERTAINLY look out for fools, idiots, alcoholics and truck drivers, because if he had flipped that tanker over comin' out FULL with the stuff they load at that plant in Karns City, PA, instead of goin' in EMPTY like he was, it would have meant a 50-mile radius "kill zone" where nothing could grow for 30 years. Billy takes his medicine like a man, and even has some nice things to say about his new lodgings, Albion State Prison in Pennsylvania. Compared to some of the dumps he's been imprisoned within, it's a Holiday Inn Express! After regaining his sight in the prison hospital, Billy meets his cellmate... the man who will unwittingly place him in a position to save America!

WARNING! Billy Big Rig thinks of himself as a shining beacon of racial equality. You will probably not agree with that assessment. Although he REFUSES to use racial slurs (he has no problem with homophobic slurs, however) you may find much of Billy's narrative offensive. Therefore, you are warned. If the part of your brain that processes "satire" has atrophied, and you download and listen to this episode and are offended, that's YOUR fault, not Billy's!

Next Episode

UndercoverTrucker 05

After being coerced by the Warden and President Clinton into convincing Qaboos to include him in his escape plans, Billy has some time to think about past mistakes -- including his many, many marriages. He's been stabbed, beaten with billy clubs and handcuffed naked to a light pole in a truck stop in Effingham, Ill. But only one of his ex-wives cared enough to shoot him. Billy confronts his cellmate about the escape plans and after a tense (and homoerotic) moment, Qaboos agrees to include Billy in the escape.

WARNING: If you were to ask Billy Big Rig, he would tell you that God made us all the same, and the color of our skin and the texture of our hair makes no never mind to God so it shouldn't to us neither. (Just don't get him started about homosexuals! That sh*t ain't right!) You are not so likely to agree with Billy's self-appraisal. Therefore, if you woke up this morning and someone has run off with your satire processor, if you download and listen to this episode and are offended by it, it's YOUR fault, not Billy's!