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The Lavender Tavern

The Lavender Tavern

Jonathan Cohen

Come join us in the Lavender Tavern for original gay fairytales. Each story is about 30 minutes long. You're always welcome to sit by the tavern fire. There are many nights, and many stories. Join us, won't you? We'll keep a light on in the window.
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Top 10 The Lavender Tavern Episodes

Goodpods has curated a list of the 10 best The Lavender Tavern episodes, ranked by the number of listens and likes each episode have garnered from our listeners. If you are listening to The Lavender Tavern for the first time, there's no better place to start than with one of these standout episodes. If you are a fan of the show, vote for your favorite The Lavender Tavern episode by adding your comments to the episode page.

The Lavender Tavern - Boulder in the Sky

Boulder in the Sky

The Lavender Tavern

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08/30/21 • 10 min

For two powerful wizards, there is only one thing stronger than love: stubbornness.

Final episode of Season 1! If you like what you've heard, leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser.

Written by: Jonathan Cohen for the Lavender Tavern.

Narrated by: Ben Meredith

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - The Silver Thread / Heart of a Soldier
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08/09/21 • 23 min

The Silver Thread: If you wake up with a silver thread attached to you, of course you're going to look for the other end. But what are you going to find there?

Heart of a Soldier: Magic is remarkably good at putting injured soldiers back together. Even when the mages can't find all of the pieces.

Trigger Warnings: Violence (Heart of a Soldier).

Written by: Jonathan Cohen for the Lavender Tavern.

Narrated by: Ben Meredith

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - The Arbiter's Ruling / Next Year in Elysium
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08/02/21 • 22 min

The Arbiter's Ruling: All Ministers are equal, and all Ministers are as one. Except those who would keep magical spells for themselves. Set in the same world as Myer's Helping Hand.

Next Year in Elysium: Welcome to the wedding...Pour some ale, raise a glass, and join us in a toast. Next Year in Elysium!

Trigger Warnings: Emotional abuse (The Arbiter's Ruling).

Written by: Jonathan Cohen for the Lavender Tavern.

Narrated by: Ben Meredith

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - The King's Cup-Bearer / Merchant of Dreams
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07/19/21 • 22 min

The King's Cup-Bearer: For five years, the king and his cup-bearer have been trapped in the king's chambers. Now, finally, his servant is going to venture forth and find out what is really going on in the kingdom...

The Merchant of Dreams: Every day Dimitri sold dreams to anyone who asked, but he could not dream himself.

Written by: Jonathan Cohen for the Lavender Tavern.

Narrated by: Ben Meredith

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - The Golden Door, Part 1

The Golden Door, Part 1

The Lavender Tavern

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02/14/21 • 31 min

In the small town of Wolfwater, every door was always open to Finn, except for one...

Finn can go through any door in the town of Wolfwater except one...because he's too fat to fit through it. But Finn is determined to find out what's behind the golden door. No matter what.

Part 1 of 2.

Written by: Jonathan Cohen

Narrated by: Joe Cruz

A Faustian Nonsense production.

To read the full transcript of this episode, go to https://thelavendertavern.captivate.fm/episode/the-golden-door-part-1

Content warning: disordered eating, body image

Transcript

In the small town of Wolfwater, every door was always open to Finn, except for one.

Finn – or Phineas, as his parents had named him – went from a hefty, cherubic smiling baby to a husky, inquisitive child, a large and awkwardly-private teenager, and then into his current incarnation as a broad-faced, wide-shouldered, large-bellied man.

He was fat. Fat – the word was fat. He hated the terms the townspeople and even his parents were forever using to get around saying “fat”: husky, big-boned, full-figured, large. No, he was fat, and they were not.

Wolfwater had been through a terrible crop failure and famine in the year when Finn had been born, and the memory had imprinted a certain asceticism on the town and the townspeople. They rushed from task to task, ate light, simple food, and poured their energies into tilling the fields and harvesting the crops so that there would never be another famine.

But Finn...sometimes he thought that the famine had imprinted itself on him in another way, as he lay in bed at night, hands clasped over his belly. He liked to eat, to savour the elements of a meal. Even the simple meals his mother prepared over the fire. Though they were too simple, with few spices, and often overcooked or underdone.

When he turned twelve, he insisted on helping her with the meals. “You can sit and relax,” he said, “while I make supper for the family.” Anna, his mother, was a tall and thin nervous type who could not relax. But she used the time while he cooked to fret over him. He could not pull a plow or stack sheaves, or carry wood – it was simply too much for his body in the heat of the summer.

But Finn could cook. Even though Anna told him not to use up the spices, to make the dishes smaller, to leave some for later, he baked vast meals from the simple meat and potatoes and root vegetables they had available. Finn would try to draw his parents into conversation over the dinner table, but his father Marin was hungry from the fields and ate whatever Finn put in front of him. Anna was too worried about gaining weight to eat much. Look at Finn, she thought; look at Finn. So he was usually left alone to eat the remains of the dinner, staring thoughtfully out the window and thinking of an infinite number of dinners, a myriad of fantastic meals made from ingredients he’d only ever heard about.

Even though he could not work the fields, people liked Finn. He had a broad, easy smile, and was quick to pitch in with whatever non-physical help he could provide. The housewives and househusbands appreciated his advice on recipes and how to stretch a meal when there wasn’t much food.

All the doors in Wolfwater were open to him – from the town’s gathering chamber to the shack that sat by the lake and held paddling boats and oars. All the doors, except for one.

In the temple, at the back of the main room, there was a golden door that led...somewhere. Finn did not know where it led, and he could not find out. Because Finn could not physically fit through it.

The door was as narrow as his mother – as narrow as all of the other townspeople, actually. Finn would have used his hands to take its measure, but Abriel the priest did not like people fiddling with the golden door. It could not be more than a hand’s breadth in width. The other townspeople could only fit through by turning sideways, taking a deep breath, and wriggling their shoulders until they popped through into...somewhere.

When Finn had been a child, like the other children, he hadn’t cared about the temple or the golden door. He had heard the stories, knew that it led somewhere, but it was a mystery, like why the birds left towards the end of every year and came back every spring.

Instead, as a child, Finn always dreamed of cooking, and dreamed of having his own tavern and inn. Anna – for she was less nervous back then – joked with him that they would have to call it “Finn’s Inn,” and he laughed and laughed.

Then he grew older and laughed less. The others his age started to wonder what was behind that golden door, and he did too. Only, at some point they were able to cross the threshold, and he was ...

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The Lavender Tavern - The Tavern at the Edge of the World
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02/14/21 • 38 min

If you venture far enough to the west, the world comes to an end...

On the edge of an endless fog, a lonely bartender welcomes a weary traveler. They've each got a tale to tell the other, but who's really telling the truth?

Written by: Jonathan Cohen

Narrated by: Joe Cruz

A Faustian Nonsense production.

To read the full transcript of this episode, go to https://thelavendertavern.captivate.fm/episode/the-tavern-at-the-edge-of-the-world

Content warnings: homophobia, sexism

Transcript

[Intro: This story is called “The Tavern at the End of the World.” It does not take place in the Lavender Tavern...but somewhere where men and women come together to eat, drink and tell each other stories. You might call it a tavern...or you might call it home.]

If you venture far enough to the west, the world comes to an end.

Leave your town, forsake your village, abandon your hamlet and wander the land, always facing the sunset. After the last few settlements have faded, and the cobblestone road has become a dirt path, and then a mere hint of wheel tracks in the grass, you will come to a single, low-slung building at the end of the world.

It has no name; it needs no name. There is a sign outside that reads “LAST CHANCE FOR SUPPLIES.” The lettering of the sign has faded. Worse, the lettering has been eaten away, like everything else, by the fog.

For beyond the building, there is a line of rolling fog that never moves eastward and never recedes westward. It stands guard in a long straight line that stretches past where the eye can see. There is no further going west unless you step into the cold, unknowable fog.

And if you are standing at the Edge of that fog, trying to peer into what lies beyond, and thinking about those who have already come this way, it may occur to you to pause, for just a moment. To turn and look at the low stone building with the thatched roof and smoke coming from a chimney at one end. To walk away from the mist – even five feet away from it is a relief – and put a hand on the stone next to the building’s door, where a bronze plate has also been worn down by time and the fog.

The bronze plate, if you pass your fingers over it, will tell you that the name of the building is The Tavern. But anyone who has heard of it from travelers and explorers knows it as the Tavern at the End of the World.

Inside, there is a giant burly man tending bar. He has long blond-red hair in braids down his back, and his beard is also braided. He conceals his belly, unsuccessfully, under a large leather apron.

On this night, the man, Chaol, is polishing mugs. There are no guests at the Tavern tonight. A willowy black woman named Bellona is straightening the tables and chairs. They are both quiet, listening to the wind and the snow howl outside.

It is an hour before closing, and Chaol is contemplating closing up early.

He walks to the front door and pushes it open a crack to look out, shivering at the frosty winter air. The fog has caused the stones in the wall to settle, and Chaol is the only one who can fully close the door.

The night is a sliver of black. Before Chaol can use his meaty hands to slam the door shut, he sees the traveler.

The person is struggling through the wind, staggering from step to step but clearly moving towards the Tavern. Chaol calls back to Bellona, “A guest!” and steps out into the storm, heedless of the driving snow.

The traveler is heavily bundled up in furs and leathers, and only once Chaol has brought him inside and the traveler has peeled the outside clothes away that he is revealed: a young man of no more than twenty-and-five. Standing by the fire, he warms himself and Chaol notes the man’s lean, muscular body and piercing blue eyes.

The young man turns, and seeing Chaol’s glance, smiles. His gaze passes to a deck of cards strewn on one of the tables. “Do you play Hearts?” the young man asks in a soft tenor voice.

“No,” Chaol replies, and hears the deep rumbling in his own voice for what seems like the first time. “That deck is for customers.”

The young man pulls his arms around himself as if for warmth, but Chaol senses disappointment. “I am Akain,” he says after a time.

A silence. “You must be hungry,” Chaol offers, shyly. “Can we get you some dinner?”

“Is it good?” Akain asks, then shakes his head. “It is the only meal available within a day’s walk. Of course it is good. Please.”

Bellona, who has been watching this interplay, moves towards the kitchen but Chaol stops her with a paw. She raises an eyebrow, then goes over to Akain.

“You are quite brave to come out all this way,” Bellona says. This is what she usually says to travelers, the male, handsome ones, and often it works. When it does not, sometimes it works if Chaol says i...

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The Lavender Tavern - Trailer

Trailer

The Lavender Tavern

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12/17/20 • 1 min

Welcome to the Lavender Tavern Podcast.

Come join us by the fire for original gay fairytales.

In Season One...

  • A man struggles against fate in a world where every child is born with a pair of dice that determines their success (or lack of it) at life...
  • A demon who has been trapped in a lamp for nearly 1,000 years tells his side of the story...
  • In a land where magic has been extinct for a hundred years, a student tries to convince his old professor that he has rediscovered it...
  • On the edge of an endless fog, a lonely bartender and his barmaid swap tales - and romance - with a weary traveler.
  • A chef extraordinaire can go through any door in the town where he lives, except the secret golden door at the back of the temple - because he's too fat to fit through it...
  • An absent-minded mage in a time of magic gives humanity the ability to search for anything, at any time...
  • ...and many more stories!

Written by: Jonathan Cohen

Stories Narrated by: Joe Cruz and Trevor Schechter

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - Gallants in Distress / The Next Town Over
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07/26/21 • 25 min

Gallants in Distress: Just as there are damsels in distress, there are gallants in distress. Hamlyn the street-ale vendor is about to find out how knights track down these distressed men.

The Next Town Over: The Collective has forsworn violence. But how then to deal with the People, who have not?

Written by: Jonathan Cohen for the Lavender Tavern.

Narrated by: Ben Meredith

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - Auerbach's Destiny / Memorial
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08/23/21 • 21 min

Auerbach's Destiny: Some people are born to greatness, destined to be saviors of their land. Others...not so much.

Memorial: A cottage in the woods built for two. Three perfect coneflowers. And a single, fresh grave.

Written by: Jonathan Cohen for the Lavender Tavern.

Narrated by: Ben Meredith

A Faustian Nonsense production.

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The Lavender Tavern - The Golden Door, Part 2

The Golden Door, Part 2

The Lavender Tavern

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02/14/21 • 35 min

In the small town of Wolfwater, every door was always open to Finn, except for one...

Finn can go through any door in the town of Wolfwater except one...because he's too fat to fit through it. But Finn is determined to find out what's behind the golden door. No matter what.

Part 2 of 2.

Written by: Jonathan Cohen

Narrated by: Joe Cruz

A Faustian Nonsense production.

Content warning: disordered eating, body image

To read the full transcript of this episode, go to https://thelavendertavern.captivate.fm/episode/the-golden-door-part-2

Transcript

Finn got little sleep that night as he paced the kitchen, taking notes and writing down ideas, and cooking and tasting bits and samples of food. Eating the food helped him to think, to sharpen his mind.

He missed Celine, missed her laughing, dancing conversation and how she challenged him to be better than he was. She was ambition personified, unusual for an inhabitant of Wolfwater. Celine had been a singer since she was a child, but now she was famous in the town, and fame meant performances and planning and trips to other towns and villages.

He took one night off from planning his feast and went to hear her perform at an alehouse in the center of town. It was a shabby, disreputable place propped up by drunkards and slatterns, and Finn was surprised that his childhood friend should sing at such a venue.

But when Celine came out from behind the curtains onto the small raised stage, he forgot about the stale smell of ale and the acrid tobacco haze that hung in the air. She wore a simple black shift as if it was a grand dress from a distant city. Her hair was done up in curls, and gleamed in the lights of the stage. She elevated the alehouse and those who were in it, and Finn was glad to have come.

Celine spotted him as she took her place; he saw the smile of recognition, the little nod. And then he forgot everything, and listened to her song.

Finn wondered later if she had decided to sing that song once she had seen him: it was a song of being different, of not belonging, a black swan among a bevy of white ones.

But no, Finn realized, that song was not for him alone. It was for Celine as well. She was as much an outsider to the town of Wolfwater as he was. His difference was obvious to all who saw him, but hers lay hidden on the inside. She could pass as one of them on the street, but when she opened her mouth to sing...

“It was wonderful,” Finn told her afterwards, as the bartender stood protective guard over Celine while she drank water to refresh herself. “I heard the message in your words.” Then he added, “We do not belong here in Wolfwater.”

Her smile was as sad as always. “Oh Finn,” she said. “We belong wherever we go. It is not for others to accept us, but for us to accept them.”

He slept and dreamed of song and meals, and come dawn, he tied his apron and walked to Finn’s Inn to continue planning his feast.

Valery was waiting at the door. Somehow, he had persuaded Abriel to let him go out, or so Finn thought. He clearly was not a prisoner of the temple. Finn stood back and let him into Finn’s Inn, which Valery looked over with great interest.

Part of Finn’s mind cringed, seeing the tall, elegant Valery stooped under the low roof of the Inn. “What do you think?” Finn asked at last. He wished he had not asked it, but he had seen Valery’s anticipation when Finn had been about to eat his food behind the golden door, and he knew the desire to be judged by another.

“It reminds me of you,” Valery said. His smile was warm and genuine. He is the enemy, Finn thought. A man who serves terrible food and sees more patrons in a day than I do in a month.

“Wide and squat?” Finn laughed, and then wished he hadn’t said that, either.

Valery shook his head. “You are not wide,” he said, passing his left hand just over the space where Finn’s belly had once been.

“Let me show you what I’ve been up to,” Finn said, guiding Valery over into the kitchen. “I’m planning a feast.”

Now he saw the difference in Valery’s eyes; where they were curious and challenging before, now they were cool and analytical. Finn made no secret of his menu. He knew that Valery would not copy him. It was not within Valery’s power to cook like Finn, just as it was not possible for Finn to construct meals shaped like baskets and towers and children’s blocks.

“Here, try this mutton,” Finn said, lifting a large chunk to Valery’s mouth. Valery took the tiniest bite, frowned, then nodded, wiping his lips.

“A strong gamey taste underneath,” Valery said. “And the sauce?”

“If you took a larger bite, I imagine you would be able to identify the ingredients yourself,” Finn said with a smile.

Valery looked down at his slim body with a glance that Finn took as uncertai...

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FAQ

How many episodes does The Lavender Tavern have?

The Lavender Tavern currently has 19 episodes available.

What topics does The Lavender Tavern cover?

The podcast is about Health & Fitness, Fiction, Drama, Podcasts and Sexuality.

What is the most popular episode on The Lavender Tavern?

The episode title 'Boulder in the Sky' is the most popular.

What is the average episode length on The Lavender Tavern?

The average episode length on The Lavender Tavern is 28 minutes.

When was the first episode of The Lavender Tavern?

The first episode of The Lavender Tavern was released on Dec 17, 2020.

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