The Dr. Matt Podcast

Recently, I spent some time in Belize doing some humanitarian work. You see, while there are some villages that are geographically isolated and don’t have access to the internet, Belize hasn’t typically been poor enough or problematic enough to attract a celebrity the way that some African countries can. Therefore, I decided to give these villages the benefit of a celebrity visit.

In the village of Santa Theresa, I met a Mayan snake doctor, or what you might call a witch doctor. He asked me what I did, and I said that I was also a doctor, but, like him, my doctorate wasn’t granted by any sort of fancy “university”. My doctorate, of course, is what I call the “doctorate of life”, I told him. Since we were both doctors, I explained that he should feel free to talk openly about anything that he knew, such as healing deadly snake bites or the ancient tradition of ghostbusting, the latter of course made popular by the Dan Aykyrod film.

The snake doctor, whom I’ll call “Ray Stantz” to protect his identity, said he only shares his knowledge if someone pays him quite a bit of money and spends at least six months working beside him. It occurred to me, as I’m sure it does to you, that to spread knowledge this way limits franchising opportunities.

“Perhaps you don’t know it, Ray,” I said, “but you’re living in the Information Age, and the best way to reach your audience to teach snake doctoring may be something like an instructional DVD series.”

Ray said that while he had a portable DVD player, he didn’t think this was the best way to pass on his craft. “Some knowledge you can only get by experience,” he said. “Since you are a life doctor, you know that the only way people will understand what you are saying is to live what you are saying, or they understand because they have lived what you are saying.”

I hadn’t actually thought about it this way, and Ray had a pretty good point, but I knew he was deflecting a bit from talking about himself. When I pressed him about it, he readily admitted it and said he had good reason. “In the old days, some Mayans used to kill for knowledge, or what they thought was knowledge” he said, “or would use the knowledge I have to kill each other.” In fact, he went on to say that at times they would sacrifice some of their own to try to appeal to the gods for their knowledge.

“I know what you mean,” I said. “Sometimes I feel like I would kill for some more Google data about my fans.”

He asked me to explain what I meant, and I told him it wasn’t important. He nodded and said, “What you say about the Information Age is interesting. Maybe we’re entering a time where we can have all that knowledge that we wanted in the old days, without having to kill for it.”

I rubbed my mustache. “That would be a different age indeed. Maybe we would no longer have to sacrifice each other for marketing dominance.”

Ray Stantz smiled at me. “Maybe we’re entering an age where dominance is not so important,” he said.

I have to tell you, as The Most Famous Fake Doctor Of Our Time, Ray’s words really made me stop and think. I mean, was there some way to also make him the most famous snake doctor of Belize? With wisdom like that, he could totally make a killing. But I guess that’s up to him.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt*

“The next time we meet, we are going to change your life forever.”

That was what I had said to Brian the last time I’d met with him, and here he was again, sitting on my couch. Normally, I don’t think much about just what the heck I say to anyone, but since I’d been on a sabbatical, Brian was the only client I’d seen. So Brian kept getting stuck in my head like that alien worm in that “Star Trek: Khan” movie.

Now, when Brian had told me that he was unhappy even though his life was happy, I had assured him there was another life he needed to have. I told him he was probably like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, and any day now he would discover who he really was and start saving some children while avoiding swimming pools.

The problem is, no matter if all that was true, none of that seemed to be sitting right with Brian, or sounded right to me when the words came past my mustache. Normally, pretty much every word that travels out of my mouth sounds dead-on, and it was irritating me that solving Brian’s life had me so pickled.

“Brian,” I said, “I give up.”

Brian looked a bit confused. “You give up?”

“Yep. You see, Brian, everything I’ve said to you should have been the right thing. Most clients come in here, and I just say the first thing that comes off the top of my head, and then kablam, problem solved. It’s either that they need to stop being an idiot, or they need to stop acting like an idiot, or they need to stop thinking that they’re an idiot.”

“Okay,” said Brian. “And what about me?”

“It’s obvious I don’t have a plum clue about you, Brian. And I always thought I had an answer for everything. I gotta tell ya, you’ve really ruined my life.”

“I’m... sorry?” Brian stuttered.

I waved his comment away. “I wouldn’t be sorry. Sometimes life needs some ruining. And then what you do is you let that life go and you make a new one. It may look almost identical to the old one, but the difference is that you know something different about that life. So how you treat it is going to be a heck of a lot different than before. I used to think that what defined me, Dr. Matt, was that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t solve. But maybe what really defines me is that there isn’t anything I’m afraid to face. Also, my mustache.”

“But what about me?” said Brian. “I still don’t know what to do about my life.”

“I haven’t the faintest, Brian. I’m sure it’s simple, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is. And for whatever reason, that seems perfectly alright by me.”

Shortly after, Brian left my office. He tried to start a debate about paying for the session, but I’m not running a charity here.

I went downstairs and found Midgie, who had just finished making some of that tasty strawberry lemonade, and handed me a glass like she’d been waiting for me.

“How did it go?” she asked me.

“You know, Midgie, it went pretty well,” I said. “In fact, I think I might get back to work, and give the world a lot more of me. Regardless of what the world thinks it wants, it’s really the best for me. I’m glad I did this sabbatical. I learned something about me, and I did it without anyone else’s help. I learned that I’m not afraid to face anything.”

Midgie put down her glass and smiled.

“I’m pregnant.”

Brian sat in my office for about 10 minutes while I thought about what to say to him. You see, I had decided to fix Brian. And, so far, Brian was not an easy person to fix.

When Brian came into my office over two months ago, it seemed like he had a fairly simple problem. Everything in his life seemed to be going exactly right, yet he wasn’t feeling happy. This was perplexing, for sure, because whenever things are going right for me, I’m completely happy. For instance, I’ve been on a sabbatical, which is a fancy word meaning “taking a break from doing the divine work of making everyone’s life better”. I haven’t been taking on any clients (except for Brian), and I haven’t been as much in the public eye. Taking a sabbatical was right for me, and it’s kept me perfectly happy.

So, it didn’t make sense that Brian would be doing things that seemed like the right ones, but wouldn’t be feeling so great about it. Of course, this got me thinking, which is why I’d been sitting there for a good 10 minutes while Brian fidgeted on the couch. If doing the right things makes you happy, and Brian wasn’t happy, then–

“Brian,” I said, “I think I know what the issue is.”

“Yes?” he asked.

“Brian, have you ever seen Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis?”

Brian frowned. “No, I don’t think I have.”

“Well, let me break it down for you. Bruce Willis is like Superman or someone like that, and has the ability to see ghosts and read peoples minds by touching them, sort of like Captain Picard on X-Men, and anyway, the thing is, he doesn’t really know he has superpowers. He just thinks he’s some average cop who just happens to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time. But because he’s always subconsciously denied his superpowers, it makes his life miserable. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with his life, it’s just not the life that he’s supposed to have. It’s not a life that really reflects who he is, which is a guy who can always defeat the terrorists not just with his superpowers but with his clever witticisms, which always makes those terrorists do the wrong thing. Am I making sense to you, Brian?”

“Um...” Brian seemed a little lost, and I could tell that I’d really given him something to think about. I was glad that Unbreakable had popped into my head. It’s a character I’ve always identified with for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because of Bruce Willis’s good looks or his quiet charm, but slap a mustache on that guy and it could be a movie about my life, if you substitute super-strength with the super-ability-to-fix-people and you substitute a weakness for water with no weaknesses whatsoever.

“Anyway, Brian,” I said, “the point is we need to find what the life is that you’ve denied yourself. Something that you’ve retreated from, or ‘taken a sabbatical’ from, if you prefer to call it that. While there’s nothing wrong with the life you have, it’s not necessarily your life, the life that’s going to make you 100% Brian, up until you find out Samuel L. Jackson is a crazy mass murderer.” (SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read the previous sentence if you haven’t seen Unbreakable and don’t want it ruined.)

“So, what is that life, Dr. Matt?” asked Brian.

“Well, let’s find out,” I said. “There’s no reason to rush things, Brian. After all, we’ve got all the time in the world, and if we fix you too soon it impacts my residual income.” I stood up. “You think about it in the meantime, and the next time we meet, we’re going to change your life forever.”

I let Brian go and re-scheduled our next session. Then I went to watch some Bruce Willis movies, because it’s something you can do as much as you want on your sabbatical. I tell you, this is the life.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Folks, I don’t put much stock in all that hogwash about 2012 being some sort of Apocalyptic year. But, I’m also an advocate of being prepared. So, just in case the world ends in 2012, here are 10 things you should probably do as soon as possible.

#10 – Stop being an idiot

Look, I don’t care if it’s robots or zombies that might take over, the bottom line is that idiots are the first to die either way. So, it’s time to start becoming aware of your surroundings and getting a sense of what’s coming around the corner. Because it may be planning to eat / enslave / re-program you.

#9 – Keep in shape

Who knows when you may need a good run? And if it’s not to save your life, it’s still good to keep the blood flowing, unless a zombie / robot caused it.

#8 – Improve your sleeping habits

You never know when you might have a sudden 48 hours without sleep because of some chaotic event that may or may not involved John Cusack. (If that happens, count yourself lucky. It could have been an event involving Joan Cusack.) So, you’ll want keep yourself well-rested, just in case.

#7 – Learn a new skill, such as programming or hand-to-hand combat

Folks, if there’s anything that Jeff Goldblum and Keanu Reeves have taught us, it’s that the only way to master technology is to see what makes it tick. So the best tool to disable a robot threat is to be able to create a computer virus on the spur of the moment.

Or, similarly, you may need to subdue an unruly mob using nothing but the power of your fists. So start brushing up now.

For zombies, learning knife throwing will probably do the trick.

#6 – Practice

It’s all good and fine to learn something, but it’s something else entirely to practice it to a point of mastery. So learn a little thing called discipline and practice those new skills plus the skills you’ve learned before, but are a little rusty on, such as how to use a chainsaw.

#5 – Keep your receipts

Look, if you think that tax revenue agencies will go away just because the world ends, then you’ve got more learnin’ to do. Global chaos and mass hysteria will not stop a tax agency from calling you and threatening to garnish your wages if you do not file on time.

#4 – Adopt a pet

No matter what happens, you’re going to want company. There’s a number of pet adoption agencies around, and they often have more pets than people who walk in to adopt. And since pets are susceptible to different contagions than humans, then the pet-to-person ratio may only increase in 2012.

#3 – Love who you can, while you can

You may not get another chance at this, so don’t be stingy at who you give your affection to, whether it’s your lover, your friends, or your interns.

#2 – Be confident about your chances

Remember, there’s always a possible scenario that enables someone like you to be President or Prime Minister or Supreme Ruler of your respective country. If it could be someone like you, then why not let it be you? What you can achieve is unbelievable, even more so in unbelievable times. So write a few acceptance speeches “just in case”.

#1 – Write your own to-do list

No reason to stop here. There’s probably a few other things that you could think about doing just in case the world ends. Some people call it a bucket list, but it’s more accurately called a “Things For Me To Do In Case The World Ends” list. (You may want to get a large piece of paper just to fit that title.) And one of your items should definitely be to create another to-do list. I learned this trick not from Mr. Goldblum or Mr. Reeves but from Leonardo DiCaprio.

Enjoy the coming year! If we’re both still alive by the end of it, then you can thank me at the safe zone in New New York.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

This week, a video made its way around the Internet of a Texas judge hitting his 16-year-old with a belt. While the video is difficult to watch for some, I feel like it re-ignites an important and ongoing debate in our culture: whether or not we should publicly flog stupid parents.

Now, this debate has many sides. There are some that say that stupid parents should never be flogged, especially in full view of the public, and at the hands of some kind of town disciplinarian. Others say that the children of those parents who have grown into adulthood have the right to discipline their parents as they please. After all, their parents did something stupid, and the children say that stupid parents need to know the consequences of their actions; otherwise, they may just do the same stupid crap again.

Some people are against publicly flogging their own aged parents for all their ridiculously unthinking actions, but say if another person wants to see their parents publicly flogged, and perhaps dunked in tar and covered in feathers, that’s really their choice, and such choices should remain in the family.

In the case of the Texas judge, this parent made a statement about not regretting his actions, which does lend weight to the public flogging side. As they say in Texas, “Spare the flog and spoil the parent.”

I say, let’s not be too hasty. Sometimes stupid parents can learn their lesson from a good time-out, in which you don’t call them for a while, and begin taking away their nursing home funds. Or, sometimes, having a talk with them about how idiotic and harmful their actions were and what effect it had can teach them some amount of empathy.

It’s hard to make universal rules for this, because each parent is different. The mistake might be to do nothing. Talk with your siblings and friends about the most appropriate and caring way to deal with stupid parents, and then act swiftly. After all, those parents aren’t going to publicly flog themselves anytime soon, and you don’t want them to grow up to be any worse.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt