There Are Things Better To Just Not Think About

12/12/19 • 3 min

Emily Oster is a writer and a thinker after our own heart. Frustrated with all the bad parenting advice—most of which seems to be based on old wives’ tales and ridiculously bad data—she set out to apply her economist training to the subject of parenting. What kind of sleep training is best? Formula or breastfeeding? Screen time, good or bad?

The result was her book Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting from Birth to Preschool, which is worth reading and recommending to anyone with young kids. But what’s so interesting about the book is where it ends, which is not with some data driven insight but something completely anecdotal, and yet totally true. Oster, about to take her daughter on an international trip, anxiously asked the pediatrician what would happen if her daughter was stung by a bee while they were away. What if she’s allergic? What if something bad happens? You know the script, what if, what if, what if?

The doctor’s reply: “I’d just try not to think about that.”

As Emily explained in an interview:

I think about that advice all the time because it’s pretty broadly applicable to a lot of things in parenting. We can get caught up in every tiny decision and miss the enjoyment of parenting and the part of this that’s supposed to be fun. It just pushed against some of my worse instincts as a parent to just obsess over everything. Sometimes you just have to accept that you cannot control everything. That’s hard, but it’s part of the fun. Also, the kid was eventually stung by a bee, and it was totally fine.

Selective ignorance seems like a dangerous parenting strategy, and, of course, if practiced all the time, would be. But there is no way you’re going to be a good dad if all you do is worry about everything that could possibly happen. There’s no way you’ll be present or fun or attentive if your mind is constantly running through worst case scenarios. There’s no way you’ll get the big decisions right if you’re sweating every tiny decision.

There are some things it’s better not to think about. There are some times when we just need to accept that we’re winging it. There are some problems we’ll just have to solve when we get to them--if we even have to get to them. In the meantime, we’ve got plenty of other things to do...so go do it!

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The doctor’s reply: “I’d just try not to think about that.”

As Emily explained in an interview:

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previous Episode

Who Cares What That Idiot Thinks?

There are going to be moments in fatherhood—when you’re dancing to Baby Shark to entertain your kid, or you’re way into the third book in the Twilight series for your daughter or you’re making the lamest dad joke of all time—where you might be tempted to step back and think: Oh God, what would the twenty year old version of me think of this? I told myself, I’d never be this guy, and here I am setting up a tent at a soccer game and putting sunscreen on my nose. If they saw me right now, would they mock me mercilessly? Would they kick my ass?

We all think that. We all have that 16-year-old or 25-year-old in our head with their strange, arbitrary and always critical standards for what selling out, or settling, or giving in looks like. Here’s the thing though—and hopefully your own kids give you some perspective on this—but you had absolutely no idea what you were talking about when you first thought those things. You were inexperienced. You were entitled. You were completely self-absorbed. And you were insecure and you were scared and you had not even an inkling of what real love and happiness was.

So that you would be different now, at age _____ with _____ kids? That you would be doing things now you never thought you’d find yourself doing? That’s not selling out. That’s not settling. You’re not a loser. No, you just know something about life now. You know what really matters now. You know what is important to you. And you don’t care as much what people think anymore...starting with that naive teenager in your head.

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Next Episode

Don’t Just Protect Yours

We take care of our own, we say. Family is family. Blood is thicker than water. These are noble sentiments that have encouraged beautiful sacrifice, forgiveness, and accomplishments. One problem with it though is that it too easily justifies provincialism and nepotism.

A recent social critic observed that not long ago when people talked about getting together to do something “for our kids,” whether it was build a swimming pool or invest in education, it was obvious that they meant everybody’s kids. Or, at least, they meant more than just their biological kids.

But unfortunately, that’s changed. When we say “our own” we don’t think Americans or whatever country we live in, we think race. Or we think our blood relatives. That’s awful. This system we live in demands that we think of ourselves as more than just parents to our own kids. We have to think generationally. We can’t just think about getting ours, or protecting ours. We have to think like a village, like a group.

The Stoics remind us that we are “made for each other.” Marcus Aurelius spoke dozens of times about the “common good.” He didn’t just care about his kids. He cared about everybody’s kids. Because that’s what justice—what doing the right thing—demands of us.

It’s better to think of “our kids” as everybody. We’re all in this together, every single dad. We’re all better if we’re doing better, together.

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