23. The decisive heart-searching is the beginning of a human way | with Mayke Vullings

Inner work.

Do you do it?

If so, who, within you, is the one who does it?

Say whuuuut, you might ask, but bear with me a moment.

When I realized I had an Inner Dictator, or rather, that the internal voice most prevalent in my inner dialogue was this Dictator... I also learned that I didn’t have to take these words as truth. That was when I started on the journey of learning how to do gentle with myself.

Because of that, I stopped being afraid of myself, stopped shying away from looking too deep within, for fear of what I might find, and started to meet people, truly meet them, as I was more curious about what might happen within me as a result of the connection, rather than be fearful of it.

I’ve recently understood how fortunate I was that these two insights hooked up, when I saw what might have happened had I not stopped being so harsh with myself, if I’d stayed there, instead of gone down the path to doing gentle (with an edge).

I think this is why this made such an impact when I read it:

”The decisive heart-searching is the beginning of the way in man's life; it is, again & again, the beginning of a human way. But heart-searching is decisive only if it leads to the way. For there is a sterile kind of heart-searching, which leads to nothing but self-torture, despair & still deeper enmeshment.”

It’s a paragraph from The Way of Man by Martin Buber, a book I’d just read when me and Mayke had our fifth pod-conversation. It turned into the center point of our conversation, as I was reminded of this over and over again as we spoke, to the extent that in the end I ran to fetch it, to read this passage aloud.

Both me and Mayke are very fond of doing The Work, inspired by Byron Katie’s terminology, and in no way do I want to muddy the waters for anyone. Doing my inner work has gotten me to a place, a space, where I absolutely love living life as me. If I hadn’t done the work, I doubt I’d say that. But it’s equally true that if I’d kept at The Work without learning how to do gentle with myself, I can guarantee I’d not be here, loving living life as we, not even close.

So, when doing inner work, ask yourself who, within me, is doing the work? Through who's eye-balls am I seeing this?

It matters. A lot.

Asking yourself these questions provides an interesting starting point for continues inner work, because different aspects of me will see different things, some of which might serve me more than others.

Now, there’s some tankespjärn for you!

Links:

The Way of Man by Martin Buber

A day at the park