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Sex Help for Smart People

Sex Help for Smart People

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.

We all need help with intimacy. Join certified somatic intimacy coach, and former academic scientist, Dr. Laura Jurgens for this myth-busting, de-shaming, inclusive show. She helps you understand socialized shame and sexual repression, distills the latest research, and introduces play-based approaches to growing your capacity for intimacy. Every episode offers an experiential exercise to build skill and confidence. If you want to discover an effective, fun path to better sex and connection, this show is for you. No ads, no product placements. Just free help.
Disclosure: expect explicit content and some swearing!

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Top 10 Sex Help for Smart People Episodes

Goodpods has curated a list of the 10 best Sex Help for Smart People episodes, ranked by the number of listens and likes each episode have garnered from our listeners. If you are listening to Sex Help for Smart People for the first time, there's no better place to start than with one of these standout episodes. If you are a fan of the show, vote for your favorite Sex Help for Smart People episode by adding your comments to the episode page.

In this special episode, I let you listen-in on a live session with client Kris (with her permission!). She and I tackle the topic of owning our own emotional desires when we’re in relationship. Think of our emotional desires just like sexual ones. Sometimes we know them, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to ask for something, but we don’t really know how to ask. Or how we’re asking isn’t working – the other person isn’t receiving it the way we mean and we need to try something new. Sometimes we think everyone is wired the same way and of course they “should” know what we want...but just like sexual desires, that’s just not true. So we can’t expect everyone to magically know what feels good to us. This is true for sexual and emotional desires. We’re way way more likely to get what we want for both kinds of desires if we are asking clearly and not making anyone wrong – us or them.
Notice how great Kris is at embracing the "no one has to be to blame" part. Please don't expect to be a pro so quickly -- she has done a lot of personal growth work to build her capacity!
To try this out at home:

  1. Notice what it is you actually want to FEEL – not just the action you want your partner to take, but how you want to feel. Pick one overwhelmingly desired feeling.
  2. See if you can challenge yourself to make no one wrong – your partner isn’t wrong for not understanding yet and you aren’t wrong for wanting it in the first place.
  3. Ask how can we use this to connect and learn more about each other? How can I share about myself vulnerably here?
  4. Assume that one thing you think they need to do isn’t available or is impossible for whatever reason. Try on sentences or alternative things your partner could say or do to help you get the feeling you want anyway. When I say try it on, I mean really imagine it and see how it feels in your body.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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This episode is for all of you that have a hard time talking about sex, even with your partner. I'll cover the 3 top reasons people struggle to have conversations about sexual desires, needs, and interests. I'll also give you a place to get started in solving these challenges for each one.

From the episode recommendations, here is a link to the blog post from Somatica Institute on my most highly recommended relationship repair process: https://www.somaticainstitute.com/blog/9-steps-to-successful-relationship-repair/

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - When & How to Talk About Sex with Partners
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04/01/24 • 38 min

Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one. It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment.
Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.
We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.
I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.
From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point.

  1. What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?
  2. What would you both like more of?
  3. How do you both like to be invited to sexy times?
  4. What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them?
  5. How do you like to be escalated with? (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.)
  6. How do your genitals particularly like to be touched?
  7. What helps you get off?
  8. What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm?
  9. How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex?
  10. What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way? Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)

Plus these basic logistical questions:

  1. When were you last STI tested and what were the results?
  2. How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them?
  3. Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that?
  4. How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy?

To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/events

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Mastering the Art of Attuned Touch for Deeper Connection
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02/07/24 • 18 min

Unlock the superpower hidden within the simple act of touch. In this episode, I guide you through the transformative practice of Attuned Touch for better intimacy and connection.
This is a game-changer for giving and getting affection, whether you're using it in a sexual relationship or not. It's an amazing skill for everyone, single or partnered.
We cover what Attuned Touch is, why it's so powerful, and how to do it in 4 easy steps.
We'll also talk about 3 common mistakes we all make with touch and how to avoid them. I'll even give you some ways to offer kind feedback to get better touch from a partner.
You'll walk away with a practice that's easy to integrate into your daily life and powerfully effective for boosting intimacy.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Exploring BDSM: Interview with Femme Domme Coach Rose
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06/10/24 • 45 min

This episode is a must for anyone diving into or interested in dipping a toe into the world of BDSM. We cover everything from basic definitions: what is BDSM? How is it different from kink? What are the differences among Dom(mme)/Sub play, Sadomasochism, and Bondage and Discipline? How do you find a local scene or partners? What are some things to watch out for? What are some of the best things about BDSM and what kind of freedom might you find in that type of sexual play?
I'm joined by Femme Domme and fellow coach Thistle AKA Coach Rose. You can find her at: https://www.thistleandrosecoaching.com/ or on Fetlife under Coach Thistle.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Relationship Skills Part 2: Attuning to Your Partner
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06/17/24 • 24 min

Attuning well to your partner feels great for both of you. It enables emotional intimacy, which makes sexy time way better and much more likely to happen. It's also key for the special kind of non-verbal communication required in physical intimacy. But how do we do it well?
This episode will walk you through how to attune well to your partner. It will also help you avoid the top 3 big things that get in the way of attunement, understand how to differentiate attuning from projecting on someone, and give you a satisfying, easy practice that will help you get great at it.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - When You're Bummed That You Have to ASK...
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12/09/24 • 18 min

It's common for people to feel upset and disappointed about having to ask for what you want. This is especially true if you believe you shouldn’t have to ask, and that your partner should "just know" what to do for you (whether that's in bed, in flirting, foreplay communication, or romantic gestures). After all, we see that played out in movies and TV all the time: the magic intuiting of the partner's needs.
But while it's common to think "they should just know," it also tends to make you feel awful, creates distance and resentment in your relationship, and doesn't help you get what you want.
Tune in to this episode to find out how to free yourself from this belief system and get more of what you're craving.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Getting Validation: How to Be a Star Not a Black Hole or Red Flag
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03/25/24 • 41 min

Today we're talking all about where we get our validation, and what happens when we only look for it externally without giving it to ourselves.
Ever get that feeling that you, or someone you're with, just can't really take in approval? Maybe compliments slide off uncomfortably, or they seem to do absolutely nothing for our self-image. Maybe we feel desperate for attention, affirmation, or we tend to wait for someone else to make decisions. Or maybe we feel the opposite -- like we are entitled to approval for every single thing and we have a hard time taking even gentle feedback.
These are all patterns that stem from withholding validation from ourselves. It not only feels awful from the inside, it's also really challenging for romantic partners. It can be a big red flag in relationships, especially if taken to extremes. The good news is that most people can learn how to decrease the intensity of these patterns by learning to give ourselves more approval -- and it feels amazing when we do.
Episode 9 breaks down validation-seeking behavior patterns. I'll cover what to look for in yourself or others, what's in your power to fix and what's not. I'll also show you how to start working with your own validation-seeking behaviors so you can better accept approval from yourself and others, and let it feel really good.
To get the vagus nerve exercises referenced in this episode (and other free resources), go to https://laurajurgens.com and get on the email newsletter. Opt-out anytime.
Here are the topics for today:
Defining Validation

The Spectrum of Validation-Seeking

Why You're Not Weird or Lame for Needing Approval
Socialized Patterns in Approval-Seeking by Gender

Approval-Seeking Gone Wild, Validation Black Holes and Red Flags

Impact on Relationships

The Way Out of Misery: Repairing the Relationship with Ourselves

A First Step Exercise

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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This episode covers when to see a therapist and when to seek out coaching, strengths and weaknesses of both (because all modalities have pros and cons), and what to watch out for. I'll also go over different types of therapy and different types of coaching, and which versions are good for what situations and challenges, in my perspective.
This is part of a series of sessions that aim to help you understand the various options for help available to you.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - How To Start Having G-Spot & Cervical Orgasms
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10/21/24 • 20 min

Do you want to have G-spot or cervical orgasms, but don't know how to get there? This episode is for you!

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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FAQ

How many episodes does Sex Help for Smart People have?

Sex Help for Smart People currently has 46 episodes available.

What topics does Sex Help for Smart People cover?

The podcast is about Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Podcasts and Sexuality.

What is the most popular episode on Sex Help for Smart People?

The episode title 'Relationship Skills Part 1: Attune to Yourself First' is the most popular.

What is the average episode length on Sex Help for Smart People?

The average episode length on Sex Help for Smart People is 27 minutes.

How often are episodes of Sex Help for Smart People released?

Episodes of Sex Help for Smart People are typically released every 7 days.

When was the first episode of Sex Help for Smart People?

The first episode of Sex Help for Smart People was released on Jan 30, 2024.

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