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Sex Help for Smart People

Sex Help for Smart People

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.

We all need help with intimacy. Join certified somatic intimacy coach, and former academic scientist, Dr. Laura Jurgens for this myth-busting, de-shaming, inclusive show. She helps you understand socialized shame and sexual repression, distills the latest research, and introduces play-based approaches to growing your capacity for intimacy. Every episode offers an experiential exercise to build skill and confidence. If you want to discover an effective, fun path to better sex and connection, this show is for you. No ads, no product placements. Just free help.
Disclosure: expect explicit content and some swearing!

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Top 10 Sex Help for Smart People Episodes

Goodpods has curated a list of the 10 best Sex Help for Smart People episodes, ranked by the number of listens and likes each episode have garnered from our listeners. If you are listening to Sex Help for Smart People for the first time, there's no better place to start than with one of these standout episodes. If you are a fan of the show, vote for your favorite Sex Help for Smart People episode by adding your comments to the episode page.

What is your relationship to physical pleasure? Today is all about investigating this question so you can experience more of it. We'll talk about how you can boost pleasure, dive in to how desire and arousal get confused with pleasure, and how to focus on what really brings deep satisfaction.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Better Intimacy Through Simple Changes in Vocabulary
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03/11/24 • 34 min

This episode will help you connect better to your own pleasure and your partners through simple changes to the words you use to talk -- and think -- about sex.
I'll cover the impact of words on mindset, expectations, and emotions, and give you some options for new terms to try on to feel more free during intimacy. The episode outlines the socialized connotations of words like "sex" and "penetration," highlighting the pressure it creates for people of all genders. We'll challenge patriarchal connotations, acknowledging how unintentional absorption of biases affects us all.
You'll learn some alternatives that encourage exploration and pleasure without fixed expectations. I'll give you a practice prompt to create lasting shifts in your own life. The end result is a simple way to help liberate your sexuality and foster authentic connections for mutual pleasure.
For more free resources, check out https://laurajurgens.com

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - When & How to Talk About Sex with Partners
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04/01/24 • 38 min

Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one. It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment.
Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.
We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.
I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.
From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point.

  1. What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?
  2. What would you both like more of?
  3. How do you both like to be invited to sexy times?
  4. What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them?
  5. How do you like to be escalated with? (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.)
  6. How do your genitals particularly like to be touched?
  7. What helps you get off?
  8. What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm?
  9. How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex?
  10. What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way? Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)

Plus these basic logistical questions:

  1. When were you last STI tested and what were the results?
  2. How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them?
  3. Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that?
  4. How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy?

To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/events

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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In this special episode, I let you listen-in on a live session with client Kris (with her permission!). She and I tackle the topic of owning our own emotional desires when we’re in relationship. Think of our emotional desires just like sexual ones. Sometimes we know them, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to ask for something, but we don’t really know how to ask. Or how we’re asking isn’t working – the other person isn’t receiving it the way we mean and we need to try something new. Sometimes we think everyone is wired the same way and of course they “should” know what we want...but just like sexual desires, that’s just not true. So we can’t expect everyone to magically know what feels good to us. This is true for sexual and emotional desires. We’re way way more likely to get what we want for both kinds of desires if we are asking clearly and not making anyone wrong – us or them.
Notice how great Kris is at embracing the "no one has to be to blame" part. Please don't expect to be a pro so quickly -- she has done a lot of personal growth work to build her capacity!
To try this out at home:

  1. Notice what it is you actually want to FEEL – not just the action you want your partner to take, but how you want to feel. Pick one overwhelmingly desired feeling.
  2. See if you can challenge yourself to make no one wrong – your partner isn’t wrong for not understanding yet and you aren’t wrong for wanting it in the first place.
  3. Ask how can we use this to connect and learn more about each other? How can I share about myself vulnerably here?
  4. Assume that one thing you think they need to do isn’t available or is impossible for whatever reason. Try on sentences or alternative things your partner could say or do to help you get the feeling you want anyway. When I say try it on, I mean really imagine it and see how it feels in your body.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Getting Validation: How to Be a Star Not a Black Hole or Red Flag
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03/25/24 • 41 min

Today we're talking all about where we get our validation, and what happens when we only look for it externally without giving it to ourselves.
Ever get that feeling that you, or someone you're with, just can't really take in approval? Maybe compliments slide off uncomfortably, or they seem to do absolutely nothing for our self-image. Maybe we feel desperate for attention, affirmation, or we tend to wait for someone else to make decisions. Or maybe we feel the opposite -- like we are entitled to approval for every single thing and we have a hard time taking even gentle feedback.
These are all patterns that stem from withholding validation from ourselves. It not only feels awful from the inside, it's also really challenging for romantic partners. It can be a big red flag in relationships, especially if taken to extremes. The good news is that most people can learn how to decrease the intensity of these patterns by learning to give ourselves more approval -- and it feels amazing when we do.
Episode 9 breaks down validation-seeking behavior patterns. I'll cover what to look for in yourself or others, what's in your power to fix and what's not. I'll also show you how to start working with your own validation-seeking behaviors so you can better accept approval from yourself and others, and let it feel really good.
To get the vagus nerve exercises referenced in this episode (and other free resources), go to https://laurajurgens.com and get on the email newsletter. Opt-out anytime.
Here are the topics for today:
Defining Validation

The Spectrum of Validation-Seeking

Why You're Not Weird or Lame for Needing Approval
Socialized Patterns in Approval-Seeking by Gender

Approval-Seeking Gone Wild, Validation Black Holes and Red Flags

Impact on Relationships

The Way Out of Misery: Repairing the Relationship with Ourselves

A First Step Exercise

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Better Sleep, Better Sex

Better Sleep, Better Sex

Sex Help for Smart People

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08/12/24 • 19 min

Sleeping poorly really impacts your sex life. In today's episode we're going to look at this head-on. This is a super practical episode meant to offer concrete help.
I'll share effective ways to sleep better, and what is reasonable to expect from yourself and your partner when there are sleep challenges going on. If you or your partner struggle with sleep issues, don't miss this one.
Here are the 12 things to do to sleep better:

  1. Only use the bed for sleep and sex, and reading non-stressful materials. No tv, eating, phone.
  2. Time your caffeine, alcohol and chocolate ruthlessly. No caffeine 8 hours before bed. No alcohol or chocolate 4 hours before bed, and then only 1 serving.
  3. Exercise earlier in the day and be done by 3 hours before bed. You do need some exercise to sleep well, so don’t skip it, but it doesn’t have to be intense.
  4. Dark, quiet, cool bedroom with no tv. Use either light blocking curtains or an eye mask and ear plugs if you need them.
  5. Use blue-blocking glasses for any screen time in the evening.
  6. Regardless of your glasses, you need to turn screens off an hour and a half before bed. Seriously. Unplug.
  7. Darken your house when it gets dark outside – switch to lamps and led candles, dimmers down – or use amber lenses with blue blocking filters.
  8. Consider very low dose melatonin – like 1 to 3 mg, 1.5 hours before bed.
  9. Keep a receiving and wins journal. Write 3 things you received today, and 3 wins each day. This helps your mind go to sleep with abundance rather than anxiety.
  10. Create a bedtime ritual of things that feel good to you.
  11. Get up and go to bed at roughly the same time every day.
  12. If you do wake up or can’t sleep, don’t just let your brain spin out in anxiety. Give it something lovely to do: fantasize, go to a beautiful place in your mind, or get out of bed and journal if you need to.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - Butt Fun: How to Start & How to Avoid Traumatic Mistakes
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11/04/24 • 40 min

Today we’re talking about butt stuff – all things anal pleasure. The rear end is the other half of your pelvis and has loads of nerve endings to enjoy, but it can also be a place of shame, pain and trauma when we aren't careful. I’m going to give you some perspectives on releasing shame and expectations. I'll also cover in detail the Cardinal Rules of Butt Fun so you can stay on the pleasure side of the equation rather than the pain and trauma side. As usual, I’m going to end on an invitation to explore on your own, and this exercise is really important for those of you starting out with butt play, or if you’ve had bad experiences in the past. We'll also cover good butt-safe toys, hygiene, communication, pacing, lube, and all the details to help you be successful – which means every one has fun and no one gets hurt.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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This is a special episode, recorded at my home in Asheville, North Carolina, USA in the aftermath of massive devastation from Hurricane Helene. It is for all people dealing with difficult times. In it, I walk you through a calming exercise to help de-escalate anxiety, overwhelm, stress and other challenging, activating emotions. I also talk about how you can help other people through co-regulation.
Note that there is no explicit content here and it is suitable for anyone.
Way to help Western North Carolina flood victims directly:
https://www.BelovedAsheville.com is a well-established local organization that is doing amazing work on the ground and needs support. Venmo link on their website.
https://www.mannafoodbank.org/ is a long-established local food bank providing food despite having lost their entire warehouse in the flood -- the people and volunteers rallied and have risen to the challenge.
https://cerfplus.org/ is offering grants to craftspeople and artists who lost everything in the floods.

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - How to Stop Inadvertently Turning Off Women
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11/11/24 • 20 min

If you can't figure out why women seem to get turned off by you even though you're a super nice guy -- this episode is for you! We cover how to know if you’re inadvertently creeping out women or turning them off no matter how great a guy you are (and 99% of the people with this issue are cis-gendered hetero men). We'll talk about why that can happen, why it's not your fault (but is something only you can fix), how to stop it, and what’s up if you’re on other end (meaning that you get creeped out or turned off even by wonderful, kind men).

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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Sex Help for Smart People - How To Start Having G-Spot & Cervical Orgasms
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10/21/24 • 20 min

Do you want to have G-spot or cervical orgasms, but don't know how to get there? This episode is for you!

Learn more about me, get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS, inquire about coaching, and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com. Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.

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FAQ

How many episodes does Sex Help for Smart People have?

Sex Help for Smart People currently has 42 episodes available.

What topics does Sex Help for Smart People cover?

The podcast is about Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Podcasts and Sexuality.

What is the most popular episode on Sex Help for Smart People?

The episode title 'Relationship Skills Part 1: Attune to Yourself First' is the most popular.

What is the average episode length on Sex Help for Smart People?

The average episode length on Sex Help for Smart People is 28 minutes.

How often are episodes of Sex Help for Smart People released?

Episodes of Sex Help for Smart People are typically released every 7 days.

When was the first episode of Sex Help for Smart People?

The first episode of Sex Help for Smart People was released on Jan 30, 2024.

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