Ringheads

"The Age of Men is over. The Time of the Orc has come." So says Gothmog, the doughy-faced Lieutenant of Minas Morgul and regular Fox News pundit. And jeez, does he seem to be right, based on this section of the movie: cherry tomato junkie Denethor sends his only remaining son to certain death; a bunch of soldiers from Gondor get Nazgul-ed while others polish their fancy armor and pine for Rohan to save them. Meanwhile Gollum engineers a rift between Frodo and Sam. All while still wearing... that loincloth. That horrible goddamned loincloth.

The body count rises at Helm's Deep, but Gimli continues to be a comedy goofus in the midst of tragedy. Elves die, so we ask the question "what happens when elves die?" and dammit, we answer that question. Also: the relative dignity of characters in the Jackson movies vs. In The Book. Finally: Faramir at peak dickishness!

We’re diving into the Tolkienverse, starting with the creation of the world. I mean, where else would you start a story?

Welcome to the golden age of Men. The idyllic island of Numenor, where wise, attractive and (we cannot emphasize this enough) TALL men reign over a time of wonder and magic. This is Tolkien though, so it doesn't last. Too bad they didn't develop gills in time.

Faramir leaves Minas Tirith to face doom while his mean papa Denethor CONTINUES TO EAT. Rohan musters next to a spooky mountain full of g-g-g-ghosts! Eowyn gives Merry some war gear and he flips out like the kid from A Christmas Story getting a Red Ryder BB gun. And Aragorn has a tense conversation with his father-in-law-to-be in Theoden’s surprisingly snazzy travel tent.