Reinventure Me

How you engage what’s next in life has a lot to do with how you answer this question: How do you define success? Different people give different answers, but the most important answer, for your life, is yours!

This week’s Inspire Me quote is from Ken Gire:

“You are a success if, at the end of your life, the people who knew you the best are the ones who respect you the most.“

Whether we evaluate what success is by the media’s, our friends’, or even the dictionary’s definition, we often see that we tie money in with being successful. But is it the money that makes us truly happy? Or just the options it gives us? Many Americans would say that money = success, yet 67 percent of the population doesn’t meet the dollar threshold they say points to success. Does that mean most of us are destined to feel unsuccessful?

Take a look at other factors. Look at your marriage, your children, your spiritual walk, your health, your money management skills—does anything in those areas make you feel successful?

Quotes from the show:

• “People are so unique and so different. [...] There’s a strong possibility that one person might define success very different from the next.” —Armin
• “That’s almost an equation we have in America. That success equals material wealth.” —Leary
• “We allow society, people, or whatever to define success for us, and we accept that. [...] I’ve allowed society to tell me what I need to have and what I need to show for me to accept myself as successful because I have to be able to see it in their eyes, that they think I’m successful.” —Armin
• “Contentment is being satisfied with what you have. Being able to make the range of choices within that scope and saying, ‘I feel pretty good about my range of agency within the constraints that I have. And I’m managing that pretty well.’ That’s happiness. That’s contentment.” —Leary
• “Envy is internal bankruptcy.” —Leary
• “What would life look like for you to have that feeling of success?” —Armin
• “Success is in how well you keep doing the things that are important to you, how well you keep getting better at what you need to get better at.” —Leary
• “When you are able to impart something truly authentic to someone else, [...] that is a measure of success.” —Leary

This week’s Challenge Me:

Our challenge comes in two parts. First, process what success means by taking the time to define it for yourself. What in your life makes you feel successful? Second, involve your spouse (or the closest person to you, whom you don’t need to impress) and revise. Get the other person’s input on where you are successful already and gain some accountability for areas you can be successful in the future.

Comments? Questions? Stories from your own life? Share them with us in the comments below.

Resources mentioned in or related to this podcast episode:

• Henri J. M. Nouwen’s book, Bread for the Journey.

You’ve got dreams. You’ve got ideas. Lots of things you want to do. We’re doing a little spring cleaning by asking, “What are you saving for later?”

This week’s Inspire Me quote is from Henry Ford:

“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.“

Our minds get cluttered with ideas that we decide to save for later. We save them because we are waiting to process them more or to be personally ready for them or to dedicate specific time to them. If your mind is full of these shelved ideas, it’s time to take inventory and pitch the things that are pipe dreams. Clear the clutter so you can focus on the things you really want to do.

Clearing mind clutter works the same way as clearing garage clutter. Take each idea and decide whether to trash it, donate it, or find a home for it. The relief from this process will amaze you!

Quotes from the show:

• “You can’t wait for later to do [some things]. You need to do it now.” —Armin
• “We are doing our [necessary] thing today, and the thing that we want to do, we’ll push that off for [later]. Some might say it’s a deferred life. ‘We’ll get on with life later. Right now, we have to do our obligations.'” —Leary
• “Your [very] life could depend on how well you purposely plan your life. Maybe even ask [yourself] the simple question, ‘What is the purpose to my life?'” —Armin
• “I don’t want to cut down my ideas. [...] But, at the same time, I can feel almost compelled [...] to act on all of them. If I don’t act [on my ideas], [...] I start feeling disappointed with myself when I’m not getting all the stuff that I really want to be working on done.” —Leary
• “Your mind already knows all this stuff. You can’t hide it from yourself. You’re already doing this internally. Putting it into a list quiets you down.” —Leary
• “Ask yourself what you can do now. What is the small step you can take now? [...] If you can’t take an action step on [it] now, you may still have to do more spring cleaning.” —Leary
• “I wonder how many of us would be considered hoarders if we could actually see the number of thoughts inside [...] our mental garage.” —Armin
• “If you are shelving [something on your heart] for later because you disqualified yourself, you are capable, you can do it, and you don’t have to save it for later.” —Armin

This week’s Challenge Me:

Take ten minutes and write down the things you are saving for later. Get that inventory going. Don’t save this challenge for later!

Comments? Questions? Stories from your own life? Share them with us in the comments below.

Resources mentioned in or related to this podcast episode:

• Episode 070, “How to Beat Procrastination.”

Well, Father’s Day is coming up and we’ve got the busy guy’s guide to being a better dad. In this episode, we talk with best-selling author and fatherhood advocate Jay Payleitner.

This week’s Inspire Me quote is from Psalm 127:3–4:

“Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!”

In this episode, Leary and Armin talk with Jay Payleitner about his life, his reinventions, his journey to becoming a father advocate, and some of the challenges he frequently hears from other dads.

Jay is one of the top freelance producers for Christian radio, having produced shows like Josh McDowell Radio, Today’s Father, Jesus Freaks Radio, and Project Angel Tree with Chuck Colson. He is the author of more than 20 books, including bestselling 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad, What If God Wrote Your Bucket List? and 52 Ways to Connect as a Couple. Jay is a nationally-known speaker for Iron Sharpens Iron and the National Center for Fathering. Jay and his wife Rita have five kids and four grandkids and have loved on 10 foster babies.

One of Jay’s suggestions for being a better dad? Make small, intentional memories with your kids—turn what would otherwise be ordinary and mundane moments into a magical ones. He shares a vivid example and several other valuable suggestions and reminders.

Quotes from the show:

• “Throw yourself into [fathering].” —Jay
• “If you try to balance work and family—impossible. But if you give yourself 100% to all of those, looking for the small moments, it’s the great verse from Psalm 127: ‘Children are a burden from the Lord.’ No! ‘Children are a gift from the Lord’—they are a reward from Him.” —Jay
• “Are your kids—when they first see you and say goodbye to you—are they drawn to you or walking away from you?” —Jay
• “The best you can do there is to say, ‘What am I doing to maintain the bridge and maintain the positive conversation [with my teenagers]?'” —Leary
• “Your best resource is hanging out with your wife and asking, ‘Hey, how am I doing as a dad?'” —Jay
• “Our job as dads is to open doors for our kids—let them try stuff—[...]they’ll discover things about themselves. [...]And don’t stress out if they don’t try stuff.” —Jay
• “Follow your instincts. What do you want to do? That kid is crying? [...] You pick up the crying baby. If that baby is crying, [he/she] is crying for a reason.” —Jay
• “If lack of skin-to-skin contact leads to Failure to Thrive [Syndrome], then [...] lots of skin-to-skin contact leads to thriving.” —Jay
• “[Like an archer shooting an arrow,] pull them close to your heart, then you let them go.” —Jay

This week’s Challenge Me:

Kiss your wife in the kitchen. Say something good about your children’s mom in front of your child(ren).

Comments or questions for Jay, Leary, or Armin? Be sure to share them in the comments section below.

Resources mentioned in or related to this podcast episode:

• Jay Payleitner’s website.
• Jay Payleitner’s book, 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad.
• Jay Payleitner’s book, What If God Wrote Your Bucket List?
• Jay Payleitner’s book, 52 Ways to Connect as a Couple.
• Jay Payleitner’s book, The Dad Book.
• Walter Trobisch’s book, The Misunderstood Man: Why Men Suffer & What Can Be Done About It.

Gaining someone’s trust can be hard. Losing it is easy. Regaining it is seemingly impossible. In this episode, we talk about how to regain trust.

This week’s Inspire Me quote is from David Horsager:

“The single uniqueness of the greatest leaders and organizations of all time is trust.”

In this episode, Leary and Armin talk about why trust is important, what it is made of, how it gets broken, and how we can regain it when it is. Here are the steps they suggest to regain trust:

1. Identify how you broke trust.
2. Acknowledge the damage done and how the other may have felt.
3. Apologize for breaking the trust.
4. Create a plan to regain their trust.
5. Solicit feedback and check in along the way.
6. Deliver and ask for the other’s thoughts on what you delivered.

They also caution that regaining trust takes time and cannot happen until the other overcomes three doubts: the doubt of sincerity, the doubt of ability, and the doubt of durability. One plan and deliverable will not usually restore trust to where it was, so be prepared to repeat steps 4–6 as many times as needed. Remember, too, that, unfortunately, there are times when it will be impossible to regain someone’s trust.

Quotes from the show:

• “The trusted leader is the leader [who’s] actually followed. A lack of trust is your biggest expense.” —Armin
• “If you want a high-performance relationship, it’s gotta be built on trust, too.” —Leary
• “There’s a fundamental, psychological need for trust and trusted relationships.” —Leary
• “Trust is comprised of clarity.” —Leary
• “If you commit, deliver. If you can’t deliver, don’t commit.” —Armin
• “Trust is one of those things that gets strengthened only through testing. Trust is not a static thing. It’s either growing or eroding. The way it grows is by showing that it’s stable. You almost have to test it in some ways to know that you got the trust there because trust holds up under the test.” —Leary
• “Trust is broken when someone’s expectation is not met.” —Leary
• “When we don’t take what we say seriously, we don’t take what we do seriously, and we don’t consider the impact of what we say or do on other people, it’s a recipe for distrust or for broken trust.” —Leary
• “Until you get through those three doubts, [...] the other party will not respond with renewed trust.” —Leary
• “I don’t think you should apologize until you understand, first of all, what you are clearly apologizing for and how it affected them. If you don’t know those two things, then you can’t form an adequate apology.” —Leary
• “If you’re creating a plan, the most important question is not ‘Why?,’ [...] it’s ‘How?’ You can’t ask that question once, you can’t ask that question twice, you need to ask that question three times.” —Armin

This week’s Challenge Me:

Identify someone whose trust you broke. Identify how you broke trust with him or her, then follow the simple plan suggested in this episode and let us know how it works for you.

If you’ve been on the other end as someone hurt by another person not proving trustworthy, do us a favor and, in the comments below, tell us about any stories and principles you think our listeners would find helpful.

Resources mentioned in or related to this podcast episode:

• David Horsager’s book, The Trust Edge: How Top Leaders Gain Faster Results, Deeper Relationships, and a Stronger Bottom Line
• Earl D. Wilson’s book, Restoring the Fallen: A Team Approach to Caring, Confronting & Reconciling

You have the power to choose your future. Yet, there are eight ways you surrender that power without even knowing it.

This week’s Inspire Me quote is from Robert Fritz:

“The way people choose reveals where they see the power in a situation residing and how that power is activated and used.”

In this episode, Leary and Armin explore the eight ways Robert Fritz says we choose to avoid effective choice. Fritz says we give up our power to choose when we make a choice by:

1. Limitation: choosing only what seems possible or reasonable.
2. Indirectness: choosing the process instead of the result.
3. Elimination: choosing to eliminate all other possibilities so that only one choice remains.
4. Default: choosing not to make a choice, so that whatever results seems to occur without choice.
5. Condition: choosing to impose preconditions on choices.
6. Reaction: choosing in order to overcome a conflict.
7. Consensus: choosing by finding out what everyone else recommends and following the results of that poll.
8. Adverse possession: choosing based on a hazy metaphysical notion about the nature of the universe.

Quotes from the show:

• “If you love something enough, it’ll exist.” —Leary
• “When we surrender our effective choice—our decision to choose for ourselves—we’ve given up our power. In other words, we’ve given in to something that’s not us. And we might resent it.... but frankly, the choice comes back to us.” —Leary
• “Recogniz[e] where the power lies—otherwise, we’ll follow the path of least resistance.” —Leary
• “Unsubscribe from all of those feeds offering to solve your problem.... Sometimes we need to disconnect from all of the things that are process, in order for us to get silent and think about what result are we trying to create.” —Leary
• “What’s your end-goal? .... What is your aspiration?” —Armin
• “Simply make a conscious choice.” —Leary paraphrasing Fritz

This week’s Challenge Me:

Which one of the eight avoidance choices do you deal with most often?

What do you think of this topic and episode? Share your comments or questions below.

Resources mentioned in or related to this podcast episode:

• The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz
• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey