Praxis Podcast with Rhett Smith

One of the most common questions I get is about what marriage book I might recommend. That is a tough question in some ways because there are so many books out there, and every person responds to a certain book differently. So it's hard to be too prescriptive on this topic.

But I can tell you there are about 7 books that I recommend a lot, and have been recommending for a long time. And the reason I recommend these books is because they have not only transformed my life and marriage, but they are the books that couples consistently report as being the most helpful and life-transforming for them.

So in this episode I briefly talk about these 7 books. Each book is pretty different from each other. Some are Christian and faith based in their approach, while others don't come with any faith perspective. Some are pretty prescriptive in their approach, listing out steps and tools to use in your marriage, while others take a more philosophical and theological approach, but it's up to the reader to figure out how and if that applies to their marriage. Some talk about sex (one in pretty specific and graphic ways), while others don't even mention it. Some are more academic, while others are an easy read.

So check out these books and see what may most apply and be helpful to you.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson -- Great read by the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Her seven conversations provide great insight and direction for couples working on their connection.

Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer -- This is perhaps my favorite book on marriage because it is the therapy model founded by my mentor and friend Dr. Hargrave. It's the model that I use in therapy with my clients and what I teach in churches and organizations. More of a technical read for therapists and practitioners, though helpful for couples who do want to dive into the theory. I talk with Dr. Hargrave about his model here, and discuss it's concepts here, here, here, here and here.

5 Days to a New Marriage by Terry D. Hargrave and Shawn Stoever -- this is the book that was written by the developers of the 4-day marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience where I was on staff for four years. It's a simple, awesome read that walks couples through was is essentially Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed R...

This episode was definitely a Rhett Smith Podcast first. My brother-in-law Drew Sams and I went for a long 10 mile trail run earlier in the day, and spent our recovery time hanging outside in his backyard jacuzzi. And so we decided to just record the conversation there. So you are going to hear some helicopters and sirens in the background...and we are a bit delirious by the end of the podcast (I guess two hours in a jacuzzi isn't that smart when you are tired).

But this is a great episode and we explore a lot of interesting things. I first met Drew back in 2001 when he was a USC senior and I had just taken the position of college ministry intern at Bel Air Presbyterian Church. Drew and I became really good friends that senior year of his, eventually leading my wife and I (then girlfriend) to set her sister and him up on a blind date. That blind date turned into marriage in 2006. And throughout the years our paths have crossed in other ways as well, whether at Fuller Theological Seminary, or both being on staff at the same time at Bel Air Presbyterian Church. Drew completed his Master of Divinity at Fuller, and then studied under Len Sweet at George Fox University, receiving a Doctorate of Ministry in Semiotics and Future Studies.

Drew is a fascinating guy (and I'm not just saying that since we are related now) with a lot of interests. He loves being outdoors and is an avid surfer and snowboarder. He also loves to try new hobbies, usually with a passion that leads to him turning that hobby into quite the craft. As we talk about in the podcast, Drew has become quite the coffee connoisseur, which has helped lead him in some really interesting directions of hospitality. He also has become quite the beer maker over the last 5 years as well, winning several first places in the Los Angeles County Fair in 2012 and 2013. as well as an invite to the Sierra Nevada Beer Camp, where he helped create a beer (Sleight of Hand) that sold in stores nationally. He created a great entry video called My Grandfather's Stopwatch. You can check it out here and then scroll to the class of 2012. In this podcast we explore:

• Albert Borgmann's device paradigm
• the importance of being engaged in process and not just final outcome.
• how Drew's love of coffee and beer making helped him create space for hospitality.
• ways that people can engage in process and make space for hospitality in their lives.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Discussed in the Show

Albert Borgmann's device paradigm Closer to the Ground by Dylan Tomine Sierra Nevada Beer Camp (look at Drew's video in 2012 group)

At the beginning of each new year we tend to think about turning the page on the current year, setting some goals, and moving with energy and momentum towards the new year that awaits us.

Though there is no magic with the turning of the calendar year, it does offer us a chance to think about resetting.

But this was a different kind of year. 2020 threw all kinds at challenges at us, and as we move into 2021, I don't think any of us are under the illusion that a new year will automatically change things.

But it still does offer us what the New Year transition has always offered us -- a change to pause for a minute and reflect upon what we have been through, and to think about where we are going.

What I have found helpful in this transitional period is to identify some specific goals that I can work on for the year -- ones that I can track and measure -- ones that involve a certain element of risk and the potential for failure.

So in this episode I want to come alongside of you and share what I have been doing that is helpful for me. You probably have your own methods, but I hope you learn something new and beneficial from how I do things.

In this episode I discuss --the importance of thinking about goals over the long term -- not just in short frames of time. I talk about the quotes by Frederick Nietzsche, Eugene Peterson and Rich Roll that sent the context for this "long obedience in the same direction".

--Categorizing goals in the areas of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

--Importance of habits to goal setting and achieving goals, with specific attention to cornerstone/keystone habits.

--Writing down and reviewing and re-evaluating your goals / perhaps in a journal you write with hand -- like the Leuchtterm 1917 linked below.

--The concept of drift and learning to "defy drift" (something my executive coaching mentor discusses)

--Hindrances that often get in the way of achieving goals. Link

Rich Roll on overestimating what can be accomplished in a year, and underestimating what can be accomplished over the course of a decade.

Friedrich Nietzsche on a "long obedience in the same direction".

Eugene Peterson -- A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society

Charles Duhigg -- The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

James Clear -- Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones

Drew Sams Instagram post on his word of "outside"

Leuchtterm 1917 journal (I use the lined one / sometimes I use the dotted matrix one as well)

Last week I had the privilege of speaking to one of my favorite groups...MOPS. In this case it was the MOPS group at First Baptist Frisco which is an awesome group I have had the opportunity to speak to before (as well as their MOMSnext group). And as I was thinking about what topic to speak to them about, I started thinking about what season of life most of these moms find themselves in. It's tiring. It's busy. There is lots of new expectations, and that can sometimes be coupled with depression or anxiety. And in the midst of this, there is a marital relationship that they are trying to navigate along with all the challenges of being a new mom, or adding more kids to the family. And they might be in a marriage where their spouse is or isn't engaged in not only the life of the new baby and kids, but may or may not be engaged in the marriage as well.

That being said, it's a crucial time for marriages. And a lot of marriages tend to drift during this season, and those who are lucky course correct, and those who aren't, continue to drift apart further and further over the years. But what I have found in healthy marriages, especially ones who navigate this season successfully, is that it's not about luck, but rather about two people committed to working together to see their marriage grow in an intentional way.

So in this episode:

• I address some of the common issues that people identify as putting a strain on their marriage.
• I talk about the concept of marital drift
• I share an assessment tool on marital drift that my friend and colleague Corey Allan writes about on his website.
• I share 5 strategies for helping your marriage avoid and course correct marital drift.
• I share 3 ways you can talk to your spouse about how to avoid and course correct marital drift.

Resources and People Mentioned in Episode

Corey Allan -- Marital Drift Assessment

The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni

Link to my 5-Part Blog Series on Why Your Family Should Use The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family

Link to my podcast episode on creating a vision statement for your marriage/family

Link to my podcast episode on self-care and relationships

About 15 years ago as I was reading through the Bible a specific passage jumped out at me and forever changed my life. I remember the moment 15 years ago...that's how powerful this simple little verse was. The verse read:

"From the wilderness of Sin the whole congregation of the Israelites journeyed by stages, as the Lord commanded." -- Exodus 17:1

I was captivated by this idea that God journeyed his people...the whole congregation...the whole community that is...out of the desert wilderness. But he didn't do it in one fell swoop, but literally, stage by stage. In fact, we know that the journey which should have taken only about 13 days into the Promised Land, actually took 40 years. Talk about a journey.

What fascinated me as I continued to read about this journey was that you get a real sense of this stage by stage movement in Numbers 33 where over 40 times in the first 48 verses of that chapter that the community "left" a place and "camped" somewhere else.

We are a people faced with constant change and always in transition. Often our desire is to find comfort and security, to just stay put and resist change. But the reality is that when we face our anxieties and move through change and transition we grow in the process. I can't think of one good story where the character resisted change and came out a more compelling figure. It just doesn't happen.

So why is it that we are so resistant to change and transition in our own lives? And how can we navigate it better? In this episode I explore a couple of different ideas:

• how anxiety is really our cue to keep moving forward and change, rather than hunker down.
• the difference between change and transition.
• what the move from orientation, to disorientation, to new orientation looks like

I love this quote by William Bridges from his book Transitions:

Our society confuses them constantly, leading us to imagine that transition is just another word for change. But it isn’t. Change is your move to a new city or your shift to a new job. It is the birth of your new baby or the death of your father. It is the switch from the old health plan at work to a new one, or the replacement of your manager by a new one, or it is the acquisition that your company just made. In other words, change is situational. Transition on the other hand, is psychological (bold added for emphasis). It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t ‘take.’ Whatever word we use, our society talks a lot about change; but it seldom deals with transition. Unfortunately for us, it is the transition that blind-sides us and is often the source of our troubles.

And in this episode I want to address all of you who are facing change, and help encourage you to think through the actual transitional aspects of that change.

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges

The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith

The Message of the Psalms by Walter Brueggemann