Episode 8: Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

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In this episode, counselor and author John Sternfels discusses Toxic shame. Toxic shame is a pervasive and enduring form of shame that can significantly impact one's quality of life. It is consciously transferred by means of shaming rules and can be deeply ingrained in one's sense of self, leading to constant exposure of the failure of the self to the self.
Toxic shame is often driven by the fear of being exposed or rejected, leading individuals to develop perfectionistic tendencies as a defense mechanism to mask their insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.

This can manifest as a relentless inner critic, difficulty in establishing boundaries, and a constant pursuit of perfection to avoid potential rejection.

The interconnection between toxic shame and perfectionism lies in the individual's efforts to cope with and conceal their deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness through the pursuit of unattainable standards and the fear of being exposed or rejected.
To help overcome toxic shame and perfectionism, it is important to recognize and address the underlying emotional and psychological factors.
Here are some strategies that can help:

Overcoming Toxic Shame:

1. Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion and challenge shame-based thoughts. Recognize that you are not defined by past mistakes or shortcomings.
2. Therapy: Consider seeking the support of a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and heal from toxic shame.
3. Establishing Boundaries: Work on setting healthy boundaries and asserting your needs to avoid potential rejection.
4. Coping Techniques: Learn and practice coping techniques to reframe emotions associated with shame. This may include mindfulness, self-care, and positive self-talk.

Overcoming Perfectionism:

1. Redefine Success: Shift the focus from unattainable perfection to personal growth and learning from mistakes.
2. Embrace Vulnerability: Recognize that vulnerability is a strength and allows for genuine connections with others.
3. Seeking Support: Engage in open conversations with trusted individuals about your struggles with perfectionism. This can help you gain perspective and support.
4. Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking: Practice challenging black-and-white thinking patterns and embrace the concept of progress over perfection.

John Sternfels, LPC, NCC, CSAT, CMAT, CCPS, C-SASI
Owner/Clinical Director of NorthPoint Professional Counseling
Counselor and Author
Books Available:
A Partner's Guide To Truth & Healing
Behind The Smile: Healing From Abuse, Trauma, and Betrayal.
DOWNLOAD for Parents (available late 2024)