Jacob 5...

It is by far the longest chapter in the Book of Mormon. In seventy-seven verses spanning across six and a half pages, Jacob introduces us to the allegory of the olive tree.

Growing up, I dreaded getting to this chapter. It was so long! To be honest, I didn’t really get the point of it. There’s lots of trees and the Lord and his servant go and graft in a bunch of branches and spread a bunch of poop on them, gather up the bad branches to burn them, they go back and forth between good fruit and bad.... yada yada.... On to the next chapter!

It wasn’t until I was older that I realized the life-altering lesson in this allegory that I had been missing out on all those years. As I read each verse, the story came alive to me in my mind.

We are the olive trees. Each of us. You and me.

The Lord of the Vineyard (Heavenly Father) and his servant (Jesus Christ) are working so hard on us. They labor and anguish over us - doing everything in their power to help us grow and develop. They are digging about our roots, casting out the bad in us and cultivating the good.

Sometimes, they rejoice because the fruit we are producing is good! And sometimes, they mourn because the fruit we produce is less than ideal. We can be easily corrupted, the wild branches taking over and running rampant in our lives.

At one point in the story, the Lord of the Vineyard is about to “hew down” and cast all the trees in the fire. None of them were producing the desired fruit and he lamented saying, “What more could I have done?”

The following verse has forever changed my outlook on life:

But, behold, the servant said unto the Lord of the vineyard: Spare it a little longer.

Spare it a little longer.

A simple phrase that teaches a profound lesson.

The servant goes on to describe that though the branches have gone wild and the fruit is good for nothing, the roots are still good. They are not too far gone.

They can still be saved.

No matter what point we are at on our journey, no matter what fruit we are currently producing, deep down our roots are good.

Our current state does not define who we are. The Lord and his servant continue to tirelessly work on us, little by little, until the bad has been eradicated and we reach our divine potential of goodness.

Do not judge someone for where they are at in their journey. Do not give up if you are not yet where you want to be. Your failures can become your greatest life lessons.

Keep going. Keep trying. Allow the Lord to work in your life. It is never too late.

Whenever you’re tempted to throw in the towel and stop trying, whether in your life or in your marriage, remember those five powerful words:

Spare it a little longer.

Setema Gali is a world-class coach, speaker, trainer, and author of the book Winning After the Game.

He works with highly-committed individuals to identify the necessary required actions to create the kind of life they want.

Setema is also a Super Bowl Champion, an invested and attentive husband, and a committed father.

Check out his book Winning After The Game to learn how he's created a wealthy life after going bankrupt, losing everything, and even having to sell his Super Bowl Ring.

• 4:16 How Setema met and pursued his wife
• 6:25 They were best friends - he felt like he could not be without her
• 8:50 How they deal with conflict. They have a clear purpose in creating a happy marriage, and they do what it takes to build one despite arguments or disagreements
• 8:45 “I don’t want this. Let’s talk RIGHT NOW” Quickly overcome negativity, bitterness, anger, etc. Clean things up fast.
• 10:55 Clarity is power. If you are really clear on what you want, it is simple and easy to know what needs to be done to get it.
• 11:20 Believe it is possible to have an amazing marriage that works
• 12:35 An apology does not have to be an admission of guilt, but an opportunity to heal your partner.
• 12:50 You most often don’t hurt your partner on purpose, but it happens. Regardless of whether you meant it or not, it creates a gap in your relationship; a wound that needs to be healed.
• 13:25 When his wife said something that hurt him, his instinct was to shut down and pull away. Because of the clear agreement they have to confront and resolve quickly, he talked with her about it soon after. She had no idea she had hurt him, but she apologized. They hugged, cried and expressed love to each other and the issue resolved.
• 15:10 Ask for what you want and need
• 15:45 The happiest couples have a “low negativity threshold”
• 16:25 Live by agreements; not expectations. Be clear on your goals and purposes, but don’t hold your partner to perfection. This leaves room for being able to communicate your wants and desires.
• 18:15 Don’t be afraid to confront your spouse when something isn’t right. Do it with love, kindness and integrity.
• 18:50 If you ask couples what they really want in their marriage, few will be able to answer with a clear purpose.
• 19:35 Having a clear purpose helps to create and intentional and deliberate way of life.
• 20:20 Be committed to your dreams, goals, and visions. Focus on improving 1% each day.
• 22:05 You can have whatever kind of marriage you want. The marriage that you currently have is the marriage that you’ve chosen to create (for good or for bad). If it’s not what you want, then choose to change and create it.
• 23:00 Before having this type of conversation, set it up with an agreement and a clear purpose. “I want to have a conversation about how we can be better in our marriage, and I want you to be 100% open and honest with how you feel. Can you do that?”
• 23:50 These types of conversations take practice, but the more you do it, the more natural and quickly they can occur.
• 24:05 “What can I do better?”
• 25:05 “What do you want or need [in the home, in our marriage, with finances, sex etc]”
• 25:25 “What’s working?” “What’s not working?” “What’s missing?” “What’s next?”
• 26:50 What do I want in my marriage, and what is required of me to get it?
• 27:00 Effective communication is key
• 28:45 “Where are you at right now?”
• 29:05 Winning after the game
• 31:05 Be clear about what you want, and then be committed to achieving it.
• 31:35 Marriage is the most important thing for our country and for our world.
• 31:40 A happy couple can teach their kids the model of a healthy relationship
• 32:30 Wealth is beyond money
• 32:55 Happy families and happy homes breed powerful people
• 33:20 “Whatever you want, you can have. Whatever you have is your choice.”

Zack Oates is an entrepreneur, hot tubber, blogger and husband (but not in that order, necessarily).
It took him over 1,000 dates to find his wife (worth the wait) and has documented his journey on BowlofOates.com.

Annie is a Fashion designer who runs her a design shop and shows off her up-cycling at heyannieo.com when she's not momming or wifing it up like a boss.

They are a hashtag power couple.

• 3:30 - The most important mentors in life are those who are just a few steps ahead of you.
• 4:30 - How Zack and Annie met
• 5:20 - Rule #1: You can kiss on the first date, as long as you marry them!
• 6:15 - What Zack learned after 1000 dates
• 7:20 - Fireworks vs Smolder
• 8:40 - “God, if this wrong, tell me now....because I’m going for it!”
• 9:10 - Choose your love, and love your choice.
• 10:15 - Lots of people like to warn us that the first year of marriage is the hardest, but it doesn’t have to be that way
• 10:30 - Mission lesson: It’s not about obedience, it’s about love. “Obedience is the first law, but love is the greatest” Marriage is very similar. Love and serve your companion.
• 12:45 - “You’ve made your choice. Now, spend the rest of your life making it the right choice.”
• 14:30 The first year of marriage was not as hard as everyone painted it to be, but it was still an adjustment for them.
• 17:15 - If your friends are having a bad day or do something mean, you can leave. But in marriage, you’ve got to deal with it!
• 18:00 Marriage is easier than dating - it’s a different kind of hard.
• 19:45 There are many people who will say, regardless of what stage of life you’re in, “Oh [this stage] is the worst!”
• 12:30 There are other people who will say that whatever stage is NEXT in life, is the hardest. “You just wait!”
• 21:00 People who are optimistic will always be able to find the good. (and vice versa)
• 22:10 Slug Bug analogy. “You find what you’re looking for.”
• 23:50 If you want to hear the voice of God, listen. If you want to see the hand of God, look. If you want to feel the love of God, serve.
• 24:15 “The world, with all its sham and drudgery, is still a beautiful place.” There is an abundance of joy available to us, but we have to CHOOSE to take it.
• 25:30 The ritual of a Weekly Companionship Inventory
• 26:15 Things that make marriage hard - family, sex, money, communication, and forgetting the small stuff. Companionship inventory helps to address all of these things on a regular basis.
• 27:40 Steps to a good inventory: #1. Offer a reason you love the other specifically from the week #2. Ask what can I do to improve or be better #3. Go over finances #4. Set your schedule for the week.
• 28:45 “Real-time feedback”
• 29:45 Go to marriage counseling BEFORE there is a problem. Gather the tools and skills you need to be prepared when issues arise.
• 30:15 While communicating, learn how to dig for the deeper meaning or intentions behind your partner’s words. Sometimes the conversation needs to keep going in order to truly understand each other. Get to the root issue.
• 31:00 A lot of our actions are rooted in our fears and insecurities. It’s important to understand what our partner’s fears are in order to have context surrounding why they do what they do. This can lead to more empathy versus anger.
• 32:00 Fight or Flight mode is instinctual during arguments and stress. When your partner shuts down, lashes out, or takes flight during an argument, it’s not effective to just tell them to stop or return the anger. It’s important to ask yourself, “What could I be doing that has put them into fight or flight mode? What am I doing that is making them feel unsafe?”
• 33:00 The other person’s perception of reality is the only reality that they have.
• 36:05 Low Negativity Threshold (resolve issues quickly to avoid resentment)
• 37:45 Dishes analogy
• 38:25 Your brain perceives emotional pain in the same place that it perceives physical pain. Our natural instinct is to pull away from whatever is causing us pain. You need to repair that emotional wound in order to close the gap that the hurt created.
• 40:30 An apology does not have to be an admission of ...

Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D in Counseling Psychology from Boston College. She wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality, has taught college-level courses on human sexuality, and currently teaches online and community-based relationship and sexuality courses to LDS couples. She is a frequent contributor on the subjects of sexuality, mental health, and spirituality to LDS-themed blogs, magazines, and podcasts. She maintains a private practice in Chicago where she lives with her husband and three children. She is an active member of the LDS church.

2:35 Jennifer’s workshop “Art of Desire”

4:15 The meaning frames that humans create to justify or explain their circumstances

6:45 It is necessary to integrate your god-given sexuality

8:00 “False tradition” says that sexuality is a necessary evil

8:35 Mormon theology for sexuality

9:10 Ways to be evil

10:15 Sexuality and goodness

11:15 Adjusting to marriage

14:00 Steps to cultivating god-given desire

14:30 we run our own sexuality, it doesn’t run us

16:45 What happens when you’re afraid of your sexuality (repression or indulgence)

18:15 Sexual contract - marriage is a chosen relationship; to know and be known

20:45 Marriage pushes your development

21:30 What can my marriage teach me?

22:15 “Ticks and moles”

23:10 You live in the environment that you create

23:45 We self deceive and collude in not dealing with troubles (polite marriage vs intimate marriage)

24:15 Measuring quality of marriage

25:30 Can there be room for the best of both partners? We often want our own limitations to prevail while expecting our spouses’ limitations to disappear

26:00 Victim mentality (guilt your spouse into submission) It may look like there’s peace, but there will be underlying anger and resentment.

27:00 Unrealistic fantasy of “oneness”

28:00 Using the validation of others to sustain your own sense of self

28:50 “In the name of Love, we can sometimes suck the lives out of our spouses” (validate me, reinforce me)

29:45 Choose to love someone, limitations and all

30:00 Breaking the bond of using someone else for your own validation

31:40 Even if your partner says all the right words, it won’t land anywhere if you don’t feel it in your heart

32:30 Taking accountability for your own life

33:15 “False tradition” if women want to develop vs nurture, then they are selfish (we’ve come to earth to develop and create)

34:30 Create a sense of self

34:50 Self deception is Satan’s path

35:20 Taking responsibility for your own emotions

37:25 Don’t try to manage your partner in order to manage yourself. Trying to control things we have no control over, like our spouses, distracts us from focusing on what we CAN control, like ourselves

38:45 What are my blind spots that I have yet to confront?

39:00 One of the kindest things you can do for your partner is to manage yourself (anxiety is infectious). This allows them to in turn manage THEMSELVES

40:20 Ask yourself “what am I pretending not to know about my role in these circumstances”

41:00 Confronting yourself is a scary thing, especially in a sexual relationship

42:00 Own your own desire and ask for what you want vs covert contracts

42:45 Owning your desire exposes you to the possibility of rejection. This is true intimacy and true vulnerability

43:20 “you’re not allowed to complain about not getting something you’ve never asked for”

44:05 it’s easier to sit in an entitled resentment thinking “you owe me” instead of asking for what you want and risking not getting it.

44:45 When we don’t take responsibility of our desires, we stunt the development of our marriages and of ourselves

44:55 if you’re not getting what you want in your marriage - #1 have you asked for it? #2 are you doing your part to create the possibility of getting it?

46:40 We’re good at thinking about all of the things we think we are owed, but not so good at confronting our part in he negative reality we are living in

47:10 Make it easy for your partner to give you what you want

48:25 The theology of Mormonism contains the architecture for creating amazing marriages

49:15 you come to know God through behavior, not ideas. It’s the way you act in our marriage that is a reflection of how much you understand God.

In this episode of the podcast, Nate and Ang give an update on all things baby!

They talk about the ups and the downs of first trimester, what they've learned individually and as a couple, and what they wish they would have known beforehand.

Enjoy!