Marriaging: The Marriage Podcast with Jessica Fairfax

Taylor Looney, LMFT-A shares about her work with young adults. This episode is especially helpful for college-aged students and young adults who are single or early in their relationships.

Overview:

Taylor shares about how her work experience has given her insight into the importance of young adults knowing themselves well before getting serious in a relationship or moving toward marriage.

Main Points of this Episode:

• It’s important to look out for red flags and warning signs early in a relationship.
• Relationships can be strengthened by learning communication tools at the beginning.
• What are the big issues Taylor sees?
  • “Ring by Spring”: Many college-age young adults begin rushing into a relationship without knowing themselves well first. Sometimes when you’re single, you might be looking to relationships to avoid loneliness.
  • We have to be able to love ourselves and be willing to work on our stuff before we can really start sharing our lives with someone else.
  • Your goals and hopes change, and you and your partner might experience conflict in this change over time.
  • It’s easy for jealousy, anxieties, and frustrations to work their way into a relationship early on. If these issues aren’t addressed and worked through, anger and resentment can build.
• What does it look like for you to get to know yourself and grow yourself, even while sharing your life in a relationship?
  • First, examine yourself and how you feel in the relationship. Are there any jealousy issues or frustrations? If you are experiencing this, what do you do when you feel this way?
  • Ask yourself what your partner might be doing to trigger feelings of jealousy or frustration. Remember, the person isn’t necessarily the problem. This is something that can be worked through in healthy situations.
• Benefits of taking commitment slow and focusing on yourself:
  • Gives you time to enjoy getting to know each other and be more confident in your choice to commit to each other.
  • You’re able to grow independently before a relationship and take the time to know yourself and accept yourself before also putting energy into a relationship.
  • Learn your boundaries and what you most value about relationships. You can know what you will and won’t accept.
• What to think about before a relationship gets serious:
  • What are your life goals and what do those goals mean to you? What is important to you? What is your 5 year plan?
  • What are your standards? This could also be boundaries and what you will and won’t be okay with in a relationship.
  • Explore what your attachment style might be. Do you have a tendency to be anxious and seek more closeness? Or you might tend to push people away and seek distance.
  • Learn communication skills and tools for understanding each other’s attachment styles and ways of acting.
  • Explore the 5 love languages and what you and your partner’s languages might be. This is about what makes you feel loved, and how you express love.
  • Know that it’s ok to take time and get to know yourselves and each other before committing long-term.
  • Remember that conflict does not necessarily mean break up.
  • Are you being respected and supported? Every couple has arguments; that’s normal. But make sure the relationship is healthy for both sides.
  • Trust your gut and don’t force what you don’t think will work.

Resources:

Taylor referenced the 5 Love Languages, based on a book by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can take the quiz to find out your love language, and learn more at his website: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Special thanks to:

Will Gladden of LEVEL Digital Music Entertainment for making the music for the podcast.

http://www.leveldme.com/

Connect:

I always hope to provide you with the best help for improving your marriage and authentically connecting with your spouse. Please subscribe, rate, and leave a review to offer your support and suggestions.

Connect with me at marriagingpodcast.com

Instagram: @marriagingpodcast

Twitter: @marriagingpod

Worry is exhausting and stressful. So many of us are experiencing worry right now. It can overwhelm your mind, your body, and your relationship.

We’ve all been battling COVID-19, and there’s a lot to be worried about.

I’ll be transparent with you: I’m not an expert on global pandemics and I don’t have the medical knowledge to share facts about this virus. But I do know about connection. I know that we all need connection and support. Friendship is important. Your larger support system is important. And your marriage, your significant relationship, can be one of the most encouraging, relieving, and peaceful supports for you right now.

So, if you’re feeling worried, I encourage you to think about how this is affecting your relationship.

• Are you more irritable or frustrated? Are you venting but having a hard time listening to your spouse? Are you thinking of the worst-case scenario for every single issue that comes up?
• Sometimes worry can also make it difficult for us to trust our partner, knowing they may not be able to fix the problem or protect us.
• Worry isn’t all bad. It can serve as protection. But when it gets too strong or overwhelming, it can leave us feeling alone, scared, even angry.

So, take some time to reflect on your worry. Explore how it’s affecting you and your relationship.

• Are you projecting onto your partner? Seeking more control as you feel out of control?
• Are you shutting down, feeling overwhelmed and unable to have any comforting conversations with your partner?
• Are you getting frustrated or angry at small things, after being stuck inside with your partner for so long and stuck with your stress and worry for so long?

This is an incredibly stressful season, and people are hurting and afraid in different ways. Whether you’re dealing with worry of job loss, sickness and death, or any other effects of this virus, you may feel very afraid or hopeless.

I just want to help bring you peace.

Know that you aren’t alone. We’re all in this. Our worries may be different, but at the end of the day, we all need the same things. Connection. Love. Security. Hope.

As you reflect on how your worry is impacting your relationship, I encourage you to explore what you each need, how you can be there for each other.

• Spend quality time with your partner. Talk to them and give them the space to share their worries with you, too.
• Remember, you can’t fix everything and neither can they.
• If you’ve been holding all the worry in, ask for the space to share it and process it. Ask for support.
• If you’ve been letting the worries out, or if your stress is coming out more as frustration, ask for understanding and patience.

None of us really know how to deal with what the world is facing right now. And when we’re filled with worry, we tend to lose sight of ourselves and those we love. Our vision and our thought processing becomes clouded by all of the what-ifs.

So today, I hope you find peace.

As you feel the worry building within you, I encourage you to take deep, full breaths.

Fill your body with calm energy.

Let peace flow into all of your inner places that hold worry.

Sit and allow yourself to feel nurtured in this space.

Allow yourself to provide that same feeling of peace and nurturing to your partner.

Simply recognize the worry and invite peace.

In your relationship with your partner, invite patience.

As uncertainty fills the air, let the connection and love you share keep you both grounded and secure.

Let your relationship nurture you.

I hope and pray that you can find some bit of peace and comfort in this anxious world.

Sending love your way.

Special thanks to:

Will Gladden of LEVEL Digital Music Entertainment for making the music for the podcast.

http://www.leveldme.com/

Connect:

My mission with the Marriaging podcast is to help you create a more authentic and connected relationship. I’m always working to provide you with the best help for improving communication and intimacy in your marriage. Please subscribe and leave a rating and a review to support the podcast.

Connect with me at marriagingpodcast.com

Facebook: @marriagingpodcast

Instagram: @marriagingpodcast

Twitter: @marriagingpod

You and your partner want to change the way you communicate with each other. You want to be truly understood and cared for, with your feelings recognized and seen as valid.

You’ve probably heard about validation before and you know it’s important. Maybe you’ve experienced the peace and comfort that comes with being validated. When your partner makes you feel emotionally valid, your relationship grows. You feel closer to them. You feel understood by them.

Oftentimes, the thing a couple lacks in conversation is validation. It’s the piece of communication that could give both partners understanding, trust, and security.

Validation from your partner, feeling valid and cared for by each other, is at the foundation of understanding and communication in your relationship.

What emotional validation means

Validation is about getting a response, some sort of feedback from your partner that tells you that you matter to them. It’s being present and seeking to understand your partner and sit in their experience with them. It’s recognizing their experience as real and important. Validation says “I care about you. I care about your story. Your feelings matter to me.” This emotional validation is a way your partner tells you they appreciate you and can listen even if they don’t agree.

Validation is how you respond to your partner, letting them know that you want to hear them, to listen and truly care about what they have to say.

You don’t have to agree with someone to be validating. If you and your partner are arguing about a difference of opinions, you can care about their feelings and recognize their perspective as important, while also respectfully having a different perspective.

Offering validation is also not about recognizing an issue your partner is experiencing and trying to immediately solve it for them. It’s about letting them share their feelings about the issue with you, and you listening and understanding where they are with this- how they feel and what they think. It’s about acknowledging that their feelings about the issue are valid.

Whether or not you disagree with your partner, or even if you see a clear solution to the problem, remember, that’s not part of validating. Before going to the problem-solving and coming up with a clear solution, it’s important for you to be able to simply sit with your partner, hear them, seek to understand them, and validate them, letting them know that their feelings matter to you.

The dos and don’ts of validating

Dos in validating

Do listen first. You can’t be validating of someone if you don’t know what they’re trying to communicate to you. So, focus first on just listening, without getting stuck thinking about how you want to respond. Just sit in their experience with them and listen. Try to understand how they’re feeling.

Do focus on the feeling in your response. Your partner vents about a frustrating day at work. You can sit, listen, be present for them, and say “Wow, yeah that sounds really frustrating.” Or “It sounds like this feels really upsetting for you, or maybe even disappointing.” It’s that simple- you’re not telling them what to do or trying to get them to see another perspective right now. You’re trying to recognize and hear how they’re feeling. You’re building empathy with them when you take in this experience and truly understand and know that feeling.

Do ask to know more. This can be a helpful step to take if you want your partner to be able to talk with you more about the issue. It’s easier to be truly validating of someone if you deeply know and understand their experience, so it’s ok to ask your partner for clarification. You might say, “It sounds like this issue with your parents is making you really sad, is that right? What else are you feeling?” or “I can hear that this does sound really sad and upsetting. Help me understand what that’s like for you.” You aren’t jumping to any problem-solving or identifying who’s right or wrong. You’re just truly helping your partner feel heard and cared for. You’re letting them know that their feelings matter to you.

Don’ts in validating

Don’t say “but.” “But” invalidates whatever words or phrases came before it. If your partner is trying to talk with you through a disagreement the two of you are having, and you immediately form a rebuttal with “but...” (“But you didn’t do what you said you would.” Or “But I’m frustrated too.” Or “But you didn’t tell me that.”), it feels invalidating of everything your partner just shared. It might make them feel unheard, like their perspective and feelings don’t matter to you. It can hinder further understanding and communication.

Don’t problem solve or offer instructions of what to do, at least not in this part of the conversation when you’re trying to be validating. If you see your pa...

You had questions about holiday traditions and your relationship, and I’m here with answers!

How do you create traditions when your significant other’s family is dealing with a loss? (1:10)

• Remember that grief can be complex and challenging. Your significant other may need to keep some of their family traditions to honor their loved one and to process their grief.
• Remember that grief also may not go away. It changes and becomes more manageable, but they might always have some hurt. As their grief changes over time, it gets easier to further build your own traditions together.
• First, have open communication with your significant other. Ask them what they need, and what they would like to do. Are there traditions they had with that person that they would like to hold on to? Allow space for some of those. You can also tell your significant other how important it is for you to help them grieve and honor that loss, while still creating your own traditions.
• Set aside one day for you and your partner to do something new to begin creating your own traditions. Think of what each of you would like to do, and what will be special for your relationship. Make this an established time for the two of you together to create new memories.
• Help them find small things to continue honoring the loss of the loved one, while still moving forward to create new memories. This might be a special ornament or pictures on display to help them remember this loved one.

How do you decide which family to spend time with and blend traditions? (7:48)

• There’s no universal tie-breaker. Your families might be flexible, but it’s often challenging to get everyone together.
• You and your partner can talk through what events and traditions are important for each of you. If there are some family events that are always scheduled on the same day and time every year, these might be harder to move. If there are traditions that are important, but they don’t have to be on a certain day, maybe these can be moved around. First, just be willing to have open communication about it without getting defensive.
• Early on, you and your partner might agree to spend the same amount of time with each family. Doing this can help to divide the holidays more, but this still takes compromise. If your families are in the habit of celebrating on the same day, you either need to see one earlier in the day, and another later, or ask a family to move their celebrations to another day.
• It’s also important to remember that as you and your partner continue to build your own life together, you may not do everything you each used to do with your individual families. You may say no to more extended family events, or shorten the amount of time you spend at each one. You can set some boundaries and create your own traditions and blend ideas each of you like.

How to mesh family traditions and time when you have two very involved families? How do you make sure one family does not feel slighted and not make your spouse feel like you want to spend more time in one place and not the other? (10:30)

• This does require compromise. Once you know what your plans are, remember that it is ok to set boundaries. Some family members may be upset, but they can be upset, and you can still set the boundary that you won’t be at everything.
• If you both have very involved families, open communication is incredibly important here. Talk with each of your families to let them know how much you care and how much you want to be involved, and that you and your spouse are working on respecting each other’s traditions and creating your own.
• Sacrifice is important, too. You may have to sacrifice some time with your family. Your spouse might have to do the same. You can try taking turns, and see one family one year, and one family the next year. Or you can choose different holidays over the course of the year to spend with each family, and take turns that way by switching holidays throughout the year instead of switching the same holiday every year.
• Being willing to communicate with your spouse about holiday traditions and splitting time between families is the most important thing. If you’re getting defensive or easily upset thinking about your side of the family and wanting to spend more time with them, that’s going to hurt your spouse’s feelings. Remember to put your spouse first and establish traditions and time with your spouse first.

Happy Holidays!

Special thanks to:

Will Gladden of LEVEL Digital Music Entertainment for making the music for the podcast.

http://www.leveldme.com/

Connect:

My mission with the Marriaging podcast is to help you create a more authentic and connected relationship. I’m always working to provide you with the best help for improving communication and intimacy ...

Your Relationship is Not a Fairytale: Purposeful Love, with Morgan Huffines

Morgan Huffines, LMFT-A talks about issues millennial couples face when the lust phase, or honeymoon phase, ends.

• Intimacy is about vulnerability.
• We have the rom-com idea of what we want our relationship to be like, but we never see what happens after the “happily ever after”.
• The “lust phase” is about early in a relationship, when hormones are excited and we interact based on this chemistry. It’s the fun and exciting time when you get to learn more about the other person and build a physical relationship.
• But when the long-term commitment continues, whether in marriage or a long-term relationship, the lust phase often ends for most couples. We haven’t been taught that this is normal.
• We grow up not always seeing how relationships function and grow and continue to develop. You may not learn what a healthy relationship looks like, or how it functions well.
• Purposeful: The relationship should be purposeful. When you express thoughts and feelings and respond to your partner, it has to be on purpose, intentional, with deliberation.

Questions I ask Morgan:

• What problems happen when people don’t act purposefully, and expect the relationship to just happen and be rom-com perfect?
  • You might think you’re falling out of love. You start to think there’s something wrong. You compare your spouse to how they used to seem.
  • You think the relationship is broken, and you either have to fix it or throw it away. It’s often thrown away.
  • Anger and resentment can also build up.
• What are some warning signs that couples can look out for to know if they’re struggling?
  • When you’re bored.
  • When the relationship feels boring, or you start to feel bored.
• What is the difference between being bored and comfortable?
  • Your internal state: If your internal state is mostly positive and it’s ok, then you’re comfortable.
  • If you’re more negative and getting frustrated with your partner, you need to check this.
• What can couples do to work through this?
  • Just like in a career, your relationship takes hard work. Purposeful work.
  • Everybody gives 100%. Your 100% true self may be different on different days and in different situations, but it is about you always acting in love, openness, and care for your spouse.
  • Make sure what you’re giving is more the focus than what you’re receiving.
  • When it comes to communication, be specific. Give a specific need and don’t let resentments and frustrations build.
• What else can couples do to combat the lust phase ending, to keep the romance and love alive?
  • Spend time, energy, and effort to maintain interest in each other. Don’t stop working.
  • Do something purposeful. Be active in your relationship. Do something, even small, to bring a smile to your partner’s face.
  • Pick flowers to take to your spouse. Go on a date. Do things to make your partner feel special because you love them.
  • Set a reminder on your phone, or make a calendar event, to remind you to do the daily things that express love and gratitude. This is still romantic. And it’s purposeful action.
  • Treat your relationship like you would your career or anything else that you want to maintain and grow in. You have to continue your education and keep learning the new tools and skills to ensure you’re giving your best to it.

How you can find and connect with Morgan:

https://www.bettertogethertherapysc.com/

https://www.facebook.com/bettertogethertherapy/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/morgan-huffines-aiken-sc/445306

Special thanks to:

Will Gladden of LEVEL Digital Music Entertainment for making the podcast music.

http://www.leveldme.com/

Connect:

I’m constantly working to further develop the podcast and provide you with the best help for improving your marriage and authentically connecting with your spouse.

Please feel free to offer support and suggestions through your ratings and reviews.

Connect with me at marriagingpodcast.com

Instagram: @marriagingpodcast

Twitter: @marriagingpod