Life on the Swingset - The Swinging & Polyamory Podcast

Hey, it’s Cooper, and boy, it's the holidays again, and here I sit in the Ski Chalet high atop Mount Swingset, crackling fire, hot chocolate spiked with RumChata, wearing my 10th Doctor onesie and reminiscing. I think about all that's happened this year, the things that changed, my god. The only thing that could make this evening better is...oh, look out the window! Why it's Ginger Bentham

%smalltalk%

While you're helping yourself to a drink, Gin, I see another good friend, former swinger president himself, Dylan Thomas!

%smalltalk%

Why it’s Katie Mack! Welcome to the Chalet

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We featured an absurd amount of music today.

In addition to the wonderful Rachel Lark’s There’s Nothing Sexy about Christmas and O’ Poly Night we played:

DotEXE - Come Back To Me

Hellberg - Jingle Bells

Mr. FijiWiji - Imaginary Friend, featuring Brenton Mattheus

Muzzy - Snowman Swag

Rogue - Goodbye (Winter Chords)

Stephen Walking - Sleigh Ride

and Televisor's - We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

Buy "My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory" as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook at mylifeontheswingset.com and pre-order my novel A Life Less Monogamous and save 25% on the ebook or paperback at alifelessmonogamous.com!

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Communication. It doesn't need to be said, yet as it's the answer to so many questions we get asked, it really can't be overstated. One of the most important parts of communication when it comes to sexy time, is learning to ask for what you want, so we discuss that in today's episode of Life on the Swingset, along with Dr. Liz Powell, Mike Joseph, Cooper, and Dylan.

Today's episode of Life on the Swingset is sponsored by Better Than the Hand, a website that aims to deconstruct stigma and toxicity surrounding male sexuality and masturbation through articles, blogs, toy reviews, and an online store. We're also sponsored by Castle Megastore, a one stop shop with everything you could want, from wand vibrators, to harnesses, to lube and condoms, to a complete suite of BDSM equipment including sex furniture. If you use the promo code SWINGSET at check out you can save 20% on your order.

Dr. Liz starts out stating that there's an assumption of wanting to respect what we think someone else wants, and that we make the assumption that "asking for what I want may negatively affect their experience". Cooper asks if Dylan has this problem because he's trying not to be selfish, Dylan suspects that's the case.

Mike Joseph mentions that homosexual sex (especially the top vs. bottom negotiation) by default has more communication than heterosexual sex. Dr. Liz comments that women that have sex with women also have a ton more conversations, and that people who consider themselves sex geeks or sex educators really bump up the level of conversation and negotiation that goes into sex.

“If you don’t ask for what you want, you’re not going to have that next level sex you’ve been dreaming of.” “Just like you need to be gracious in saying yes, you should try to be gracious in your no’s as well.”

Dylan

“I think a lot of those shitty no’s are coming from people shame as well. The reason you give a really shitty no and react with disgust is this kind of, performative goodness. If what they want is bad, then the best way to separate yourself from it is to perform how offended you are by it.”

Dr. Liz

"HOW DARE YOU." “Everything changed when I started asking for what I wanted, It as just as likely to be a result of you not asking for what you want than the party not giving you what you want.”

Cooper

While Dylan explains how sometimes, when about to play with someone who has a large tool kit / is well skilled at communication, he likes to get an initial yes to exploration and chart the path forward in the moment, listening to non-language verbal cues, and body response. Mike Joseph mentions that it sounds like a recipe for uncertainty and anxiety, so Dylan talks his way through a play session with someone that's willing an open. Mike discovers that being inside someone often elicits all sorts of non-verbal responses. *grin*

Cooper mentions that sometimes, in the run up to a party or play session, it's easy to fire away a thought via instant messenger and walk away, it makes it easy to ask for something without necessarily needing feedback right away.

Dr. Liz mentions the mildest and wildest activity that many people use at the beginning of play parties and Dylan mentions that even though he uses it, tt never quite "feels" right.

“The way I’ve always seen that exercise (mildest and wildest) is that it tells you where the buffet starts and ends. It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be able to get any specific dish on the buffet.”

Dr. Liz

Dr. Liz also mentions that the mildest and wildest activity helps her check-in with herself, and that it's a way of conveying a range of options, not necessarily a set destination, describing it as the beginning and the end of a buffet.

The conversation moves to being awkward about starting conversation. Dr. Liz mentions she has a formula.

"What I tell people is one of the most effective ways to start a conversation, is by sharing something you’re feeling about having that conversation. You're leading with your softness instead of leading with your hardness."

Dr. Liz

You can also find the John Oliver "This Week Tonight" video about Third Parties here:

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