2020 Preemptive Retrospective and Also Gerry Has MRSA

ok nobody reads this stuff so i'm just going to use it to repost Ben Shapiro/AOC fan fiction i found while home waiting for a covid test to come back Ben hid around the corner, his face red, a bouquet of lobsters clutched tightly in his sweaty grip. All 4 feet 6 inches of his body was taut with nerves. Today was the day he was going to ask his crush out. He'd been flirting with her on Twitter the only way he knew how, trying to tear her down with his obnoxious insults and demands for debates. Ben was the only one who knew that by "debate", he meant "date", every time. Yet she had never reacted, never given in to what Ben (and nobody else) saw as Ben's raw, masculine energy. Now Ben was going to send her a signal she couldn't ignore.

Ben mustered all of his courage and stepped around the corner, holding out the bouquet. "AlexandriaUmmmmmmILikeYouDoYouWantToUmmmmGoOutWithMe?!?!" he said frantically, delivering his practiced speech almost too quickly to be understood. Ben was more nervous than ever before. He felt a trickle of something travel slowly down his leg. Fuck. Is that sweat or pee? God, I hope it's sweat. This is exactly why Charlie Kirk recommends that all the TPUSA staff wear diapers, Ben thought to himself.

Suddenly Ben began to take in the scene in front of him. A man was standing uncomfortably close to Ben's one true love. The man's bowtie was the size of a dinner plate, almost as large as his gaping, shouting mouth. It was Tucker Carlson. "Date me, coward!" the Fox News stud said at a volume that was almost loud enough to break the eardrums of everyone present.

Ben watched Tucker through a red haze of rage. The bouquet dropped, forgotten, to the ground. Before Ben himself knew what was happening, his fist, backed up by all 110 pounds of Ben's body, caught Tucker right in the jaw. Tucker fell to the ground, his face already swelling. "Drat," he said, "you've ruined my trademark slug-in-a-toupee-who-has-somehow-learned-to-hate-Muslims look. I'll be off the air for weeks! Now I have to figure out how I can blame this on Barack HUSEIN Obama..."

"I've been sparring against Charlie," Ben replied, his classic smug-little-brother-who-you-really-want-to-punch look back on his face, "compared to his face yours is an easy target."

"But I'm not the only one who lost here," Tucker said, laughing, "look behind you."

Ben turned and saw, to his shock and indignation, that AOC was nowhere to be found. The libutrd hadn't even taken his bouquet of lobsters. But Ben wasn't ready to give up yet. He spat on Tucker and began to walk away.

"This isn't over," said Tucker.

"You bet it's not," said Ben, breaking into a swift Naruto r