081 - The Sick Bed of Fitzpatrick

Explicit content warning

02/24/20 • 75 min

Ireland stays FOREVER IN MY HEART (2019), but: It's Ryan Fitzpatrick again ... Harvard Boy ... Kicked by a donkey or slapped by an elephant's trunk? ... The greatest QB of his era ... BREAK ... Interrupted intro ... Happy birthday! ... Uncular ... Six weeks off ... Annual January depression ... Crown Media sources ... Jeb's dad injuries ... Backup dad Ryan Fitzpatrick ... The 25th best in your world at your job ... Foreign architecture, busted ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... "Are these movies getting worse?" ... Authentic oofs, recycled beats ... Playing with the boys ... Plotless exhaustion ... Overnighter execution ... Prison Planet and creeping seasoning ... The stickiness of unique features ... Flooding the zone, goosing the numbers ... A Mountaintop Removal Christmas ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Return to form ... Dalkey ... Plot wrap-up ... Old lady's dirty weekend ... The Twinkling Isle ... Spot the Angel: None! ... My heart will Ashokan Farewell ... Eat Your Heart Out: Incredible-looking food; traditional breakfast and gorgeous scones; tea abundance; 3 beers and Shit London Guinness; David Roth's food fails ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Pugsley Hotel Chain vs. Generational wealth from European warfare ... Overdetermined: Bizarrely gentle breakup with Dave vs. Patrick, Charlie and second chances ... Rung up by the Mom Show ... Crossover: The Matchmaker vs. The Quiet Man vs. Local Hero vs. Simply Dave holding back the jokes ... Letters to Santa: Michael T's friend in Hopedale, Dave's visit to Cooperstown, America's Golden Door, and Nick's Quadruple H (Hallmark Holiday Hegemony Hypothesis) ... Adding jargon to more ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Steven R. Monroe and I Spit on Your Grave ... Product placement crisps ... Making the keychains more fun ... "Festival season kicks off in a week!" ... Inspiring and mostly cloudy ... Half a year in Columbus alone ... Confessions for scones ... "Like changing the font?" ... Rating: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Sunnyside of the Street," by The Pogues • "Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins • "Hell's Ditch," by The Pogues • "How Could I Be Wrong," by The Auteurs • "The Game (Triple H's Theme)," by Motörhead • "Lullaby of London," by The Pogues • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

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080 - Bruce Yams' Juche Christmas

CHRIS COLLISION opts for A BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS (2019) and: Kim Jong-un's perfume ad ... THEME ... Collective hangovers ... The movie is our fault ... Opening old beer ... I studied The Blade ... Foyer or Foyer ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Vindication! ... Plot wrap-up ... Not an actual movie ... Overlook Hotel Caretaker ... Spot the Angel: Mrs. Sacks, hotel haint; African-American prospective buyer; no angel candidate; Paul Auster and later DeLillo; Rachael Leigh Cook's Willow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, cider, cocoa; no lids; wan sugar Paula Deen-ass cookies; a world without cookie toppings; Oh, Walnuts!; no savory food; plate of uncooked kale; flat, sad champagne; legitimate fruitcake gag; Brogan's Diner ... When Rachael Leigh Cook is Rachael Leigh Cook ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tepid water metaphor; Mistletoe Inn book workshop crossover; law office for acquiring Hallmark inheritances; map of Canada; doppelgängers ... The Clonus Horror ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Men's Crazy Cat Man Ugly Christmas Sweater; roadie reps; martinis available in Midway, Utah; moving to Utah because of A Boyfriend for Christmas; how to get your brothers into Hallmark hot takes; Charles Durning as Santa Clause; Bruce Yams; A Kim Jong-un Hallmark Christmas Movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Love object, or building; over-parallelism; pretending you don't know you're in love; a six-minute span of treacly nostalgia; "Christmas Games" (1993) ... Crossover: The Prisoner; it's not like other movies; The Others ... Beat the Geeks ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Reference in another Hallmark movie; also, yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Benjamin (David Lyndon) and chemistry; Brothers McMullen; Ben's mom's haunted fifth-act talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Too much moppet; bollard pull; Lina Renna trying to dial it back; 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Snow on the roof and nowhere else ... "We're doing 5 nativities" ... Assessing the nativity market ... Eagle Ridge, not Blue Ridge ... David Winning, who killed my baby? ... A Ruby Ridge Christmas ... Now that's paper ... Why did you wrap in memories for warmth? ... Based on the book ... Hallmark's Q-Anon ... Neil LaBute ... Erotic step-siblings ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Grave Architecture," by Pavement • "She's All That Freestyle" • "My My My My Mitchell," by Hoyt Axton • "No Motherland Without You," by The DPRK National Orchestra • "Wicked Game," by Bossasonic • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Next Episode

082 - Cinco Dublin's Safeway Afternoon

We commandeer a grocery store because LOVE'S COMPLICATED (2016) for: Tony "Jody" LaRussa ... THEME ... Mustard on the intro ... Let's get unprofessional ... Confirming the Worsening Hallmark Hypothesis ... A cromulent rom-com that got made for Hallmark ... Tie Domi jersey ... Unavoidably Canadian ... Surreality is its own authenticity ... The David Lynch-Errol Morris Continuum ... Precious Chong ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Stevedore actors ... The Expositional Challenge: Success! ... A B-plot Dream Team of conflict-resolution patients ... Invasive/intimate concluding therapy confrontation ... Completely demented therapy ... Therapy gift certificates ... Torturing grocery store workers ... Breaking down harassment game tape ... Robert McNamara's Rules of Retail War ... A hostile clothing return ... NSC-68 ... Timberlake's boutique denim ... Cartoonishly evil manager ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Goose egg! ... Journalismism: Intense Leno vibes ... Steven Seagal is Taliban ... Shock jock literary review ... WEEI's Event Horizon ... Hallmark shock-jocks: Uncompromisingly centrist ... Confusing Corbin Bernsen and Joe Theismann ... Emotional dad-poisoning ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fancy restaurant, the same order; cohabitate already; McLovin; Crepe Suzette; it's such a spectacle; wincingly alcoholic wine; everything hard to pronounce ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A stable of neurotic Hallmark-heroine memoirists vs. Meddling publishers from Episode 25, So Fuck You Edith Wharton and Episode 57, Wetwork for the American Pageant ... Paris Harris and a legitimate book blurb ... Overdetermined: "Things are just as they should be" and maximum cringe vs. Insufficiently overdetermined therapy ... Pitching changes with Jody Bellarussa ... Underexplored metatextual call-in radio conversation ... Jody, can you turn your radio down? ... BREAK ... Crossover: The Color of Night vs. Pig Vomit ... Sybian on the radio ... The Hallmark Bechdel and Voight-Kampff Tests: Yes, No ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: "Trudeau" ... A cop mom from Dare Me ... A reasonably logical useless ex ... Cinco, an orchid and powerful Hallmark sexual tension ... The Merry Madness Christmas Bracket ... Eerie ballerina ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Sailing," by Christopher Cross • "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane