055 - The USS Walter Mondale Love Cruise

Explicit content warning

05/29/19 • 69 min

We sail away from SAILING INTO LOVE (2019) and: "I think it's great" ... THEME ... Seattle Pilots ... Dickie Thon (redux) ... Dave Lopes, Grant Balfour ... Swaddled in torpor ... Four Weddings and a Funeral, on paper ... Plot with no wake ... Instant bread podcast ... The Expositional Challenge ... I got nothin' ... Plot mop-up and island love ... Boy falls in water ... Welcome back to Costner Chat ... BREAK ... Still so featureless ... Spot the Angel: Nobody ... Like a table read ... Fiona Vroom: The Dean Acheson of the Hallmark family of brands ... Eat Your Heart Out: Minimalist dining; Kate-upsetting chowder; Hallmark in Maine; suspiciously beige; penne and Aussie wine; Last Ship nostalgia; family-annihilating unkillable Master Chief ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gus Van Houten's Resort Paradise vs. Lucky In Love and Northern Lights of Christmas ... Overdetermined: Nothing, but also Tom quitting over a street conversation ... Crossover: Into the Blue, Striking Distance and Grey's Anatomy ... Only the driest and most odorless sex ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Transcontinental best-friendship ... The Build-a-Buré Workshop: Christmas in July, zero research on Australia, Bryan Brown, Midnight Oil, Luke Prokopec, Natalia Imbruglia and AC/DC ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No ... Partner Chat: Appropriately medicating ... Rating: 1 (soporifically) ... Leah Renee, underserved ... Leah Renee's earlier music career ... Busytown Mysteries ... Dave's Willow Bay nostalgia ... Garry Garneau, Aaron Rodgers, Colin Jost and Peyton Manning ... What about my snacks??? ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Insanity," by Leah Renee • "iBF (Imaginary Boyfriend)," by Leah Renee • "Break the Ice," by John Farnham • "Orinoco Flow," by Enya • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

Previous Episode

054 - Raspberry Glazed Milk Pig

Ah, Paris, and SUMMER VILLA (2016), and time to ask : How's the writing going? ... THEME ... Who's a medical model, by the way ... Expecting swill, getting a delightful soufflé ... Moments of silence ... The Expositional Challenge ... He's a thicc lad ... Plot wrap-up ... Jean-Luc and The Butcher ... Bill DeBlasio, Child of the Corn ... The Democratic Candidate Night Club ... Beto's eternal relaunch ... It worked! ... Hilarie Burton is bae ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... Wallace Shawn, Bruce Vilanch ... Eat Your Heart Out: Raspberry glaze; hotel-restaurant presentation; pine-nut baguette sandwich; "swordfish is butt, to me"; anodized pans; Hallmark-ass food fight; turned by the sandwich; raw egg slide, wrecked kitchen; milk pig ... BREAK ... Deproblematizing the discourse ... Oafish but not malicious ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Quebec, not Provence; Carrie Bradshaw; writer in-house in a Hallmark writer's workshop; Corbin Bernsen with a Bluetooth ... Overdetermined: No Hallmark-grade contrivances; music at all NY events; I'm shopping here music; especially nasty blind date; classic ad hom; the Za Za Zu; immediate apology; is Matthew Everston a men's-rights activist; Gord Willis, the Canadian Prince of Darkness; the lovely and quiet hot chocolate scene ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: It basically qualifies but nah; Abby as a non-adolescent teen; your passion never goes away ... Partner Chat: Why can't the 15-year-old have wine?; Mormons, marshmallows, bowls; The Vice of the Most Wholesome; nasty marshmallows and Doctor Chocolate; mug of sex juice; isn't he sort of a jerk?; Pinterest chalkboard; fake muntins; awful front-door package ... "McMansion Hell" Kate Wagner Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Emorphia Margaritis and Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Not enough credits, great-as-heck name ... Movie Rating: 4 ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Only a one-gear plot with some clunky early aggressiveness ... Letters to Santa: Nicest feedback ever; vomiting in 2012's Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade; what's the vomit like; something happened to Hallmark movies; the 11th 9/11 anniversary; "Heart of Glass"; Case Keenum; Christmas at Old Town Road; 7th grade forever ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Hilarie Burton voice-acting goofiness in a tearful, normal phone call ... A smart person who's sad ... Carrie Lee Wilson and Emi Mochizuki Appreciation Station ... Iron Chef? ... Peter Piper's Pickled Professional Portfolio ... Learning to ride a bike! ... DeBlasio callback ... We're just asking bike questions ... Sword swallowing ... Jean-Luc: Decent, observant, needlessly owned ... Male capri pants ... THE Joan Wilder? ... Clamdiggers ... The Armond White of food critics ... Norbit ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "New French Girlfriend," by The Auteurs • "Demain Tu Peux Changer," by Dusty Springfield • "Val Venis Theme," by Jim Johnston • "Baby Love," by Annie Philippe • "C'est Ma Chanson," by Petula Clark • "Où Est Ma Tête," by Pink Martini • "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère," by Marie Laforêt • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

Next Episode

056 - The Scarborough, Ontario Wild Drumettes

It's three yards and a cloud of pixie dust with LOVE ON THE SIDELINES (2016) and: Dr. Moreau wasn't wrong about the climate ... THEME ... The lines are open ... Hunter St. James ... Football or graftass ... One of the good ones! ... Joe Theismann picks interesting Hallmark movies ... Snowcoming nostalgia ... The Cremation of the Care ... Any Given Regretful Sunday ... Al Pacino reverie ... Hallmark Sports Channel ... JD and the Straight Shot ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup: Ava and the backup; poor and hungry; incompetent Mustang owner; scant Theismann ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Patty, Supernatural Roommate ... The manifesto that proves the rule ... On to Cleveland ... Jeb's 19th century lawncare machines ... Eat Your Heart Out: Totino's Pizza Rolls promo; into you, Moby; Emily Kinney, spritely and elfin; a B-Dubs STACK of bread; Krishna dinner; 5 slices, 4 sliders and piles of Fritos; ecstasy of starch; clearly BBQ wings; We. Stan. Buffalo; the wattle must grow; scything a Showtime guy; pot of homemade chili; elegy for the Lost Kangaroo; bar hot dogs for dinner; "that's all casing"; the NFL diet of guacamole and cookies ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Crossover sports universe of the San Francisco Miners and Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers; San Francisco, less beautiful than St. Petersburg; Full House; Kelly Rutherford and McKenzie Vega stuck in traffic returning to McBanjo; Kezar Stadium ... Overdetermined: The Danny/Ron/Ava Dumb Misunderstanding vs. Football-Metaphor Roasts and Joe Theismann's Eponymous Line ... Jared Lorenzen shout-out ... BREAK ... Crossover: A celebration of Any Given Sunday; Pacino in the Hallmark universe; The staggering aftermath of Last Boy Scouting it ... Billy Blanks, thanks for joining the Patreon; get my ass swole ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, ass-backwards gender politics, but it still works? ... Jeb's Mom, Oakland Raiders season ticket holder ... An infinite number of peaceably coexisting dirtbag communities: The America we want to live in ... Partner Chat: Danny is a pud; otherwise enjoyable; Conviction-era Emily Kinney fan ... Rating: 3.5; perfect execution of Hallmark middle-tier ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Danny Holland career comps: better than Tom Brady's first 7 seasons ... Arena-league player scale ... You named your dog after Newt Gingrich ... Fantastic Dane ... Theismann's method approach to lower-body injury ... Theismann to DeLuise: Touchdown! ... "Hey, you DO know something about football" ... Background football 24/7 ... (Brief) Hayley Sales Appreciation Station ... 16 episodes of Crown Bench ... Kevin Tighe Emergency! ... Ron Silver tendrils ... Idiot Elliot's patriarchal privilege ... Ocean's 12 with a 30lb. bag of dog food ... Terry Ingram and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle ... Mike Kafka Appreciation Station ... Losing a roommate, gaining dental care ... MVP: Emily Kinney ... Dave's lustrous coat ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Not As Much As Football," by Mojo Nixon • "All Kinds of Time," by Fountains of Wayne • "Thé à la Menthe (Instrumental)," by La Caution • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Orchestral Sports Theme (Lighter)," by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane