Key Ingredients for Successfully Relating To Your Adult Children

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In This Story, I share the key ingredients for successfully relating to adult children.
When they were young, I was their manager.
Did you finish your homework?
Remember the “P” word, PLEASE.
You can’t have dessert if you don’t eat your dinner.
There are two choices – come to temple with us or we’ll drop you off at Grandma’s.
When they were teens, I fired myself as manager and took on the new role of consultant. This concept was from Michael Riera’s book, Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers.
Why do you think the teacher accused you of cheating? I’d be happy to help you set up a system for getting your applications done if you like. You seem a little down. Want to talk? It might make sense to get a jump on the competition by starting to look for a summer job before school lets out.
With adult children, it’s a very different ballgame. If they want your input or advice, they’ll ask for it. I know. The temptation to help your son or daughter avoid an emotional sinkhole, not to mention a car accident, is great. You’ve lived longer. You KNOW, from experience, that leaving a job before you’ve landed the next one is probably not the best idea, that something could go wrong if one leaves on a road trip in a blizzard, that someone who struggles with substance abuse probably shouldn’t date a person who smokes dope all day. But should you say something in any of these instances? Absolutely not. Why? Because you will not get the desired result. Instead, bite the inside of your cheek. Make a quick detour to the bathroom before you open your mouth. Pull out your phone and do Wordle, for God’s sake, but do not give your adult child more motivation to make a bad decision. We only learn from our own mistakes and even our children are entitled to make theirs.
You’re happily married, and you want the same for them. Great. Don’t tell them. Asking if there’s someone special that they’re dating is invasive. They’ll share if, and when, they’re good and ready. Thinking of offering a little advice on how to put the baby go to sleep? Don’t do it. Whatever you learned thirty years ago is out of date. There’s a maximum of two people who get a vote on how the child is reared and you’re not one of them.
Should you jump in to clean up their messes? No freakin’ way. You shouldn’t be serving them every meal and cleaning up after adult children who visit nor should you be finding an attorney, a mechanic, or a therapist for your adult child, unless he or she asks for your help.
Key to having a strong and satisfying relationship with adult children is remembering that they are adults. Yes, they’re still your children, and they may even behave like children, but your job in molding them is over. Now, it’s about respecting their choices, or pretending to. You are no longer their most important person, and you shouldn’t be, so don’t make them choose between you and their partner, lover, or even their friend. When visiting, keep your stuff in one place, be as helpful as you can, leave the room if you sense tension that doesn’t involve you , and don’t overstay your welcome.
I’m sure I blow it at least once during each visit with my adult children but I’m trying. I’m listening when they tell me that I shouldn’t try to influence the outcome or expect that they’re going to call me as often as I would like. Of course, I think about them more than they think about me. I’m way more interested in their day, their job, their relationships, than they are in mine. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Above all, and I can say this with certainty, keeping my suggestions, opinions, and judgements to myself is paying dividends.
Don’t believe me? Good luck!