How To Sex

Fundamentals, Types and Roles, Safety Rules, and More

By Nuna Alberts, LCSW. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

If you’ve ever fantasized about getting kinky in the bedroom, you’re not alone. The runaway success of E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy of books; the three top-selling print and e-books in the United States between 2010 and 2019; not to mention the sales of the movies they generated, prove that interest in BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) is anything but rare.

BDSM can involve role playing, sensory manipulation, and more. Here are a few popular ways enthusiasts like to get kinky!

Prevalence: How Many People Practice BDSM?

Further proof: Nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually, while slightly more women and less men are aroused by the idea of being dominated, according to a 2016 study. The same study also found that almost 47 percent adults would like to participate in at least one nontraditional type of sexual activity, and 34 percent said that they’d done so at least once in the past. No wonder if you search the phrase “BDSM” on Google it will return more than 500 million results. By comparison, the phrase “missionary sex” returns about 163 million results.

The History of BDSM: Not So New

Explore a little more and you’ll also discover that BDSM is nothing new. Among BDSM’s historical high points:

• Art and texts from ancient Greece and Rome show physical pain being used as an erotic stimulus, per the book An Illustrated History of the Rod, by William M. Cooper, first published in 1868.
• The Kama Sutra, the revered Sanskrit text on sexuality written in India about 2,000 years ago, describes six appropriate places to strike a person with passion and four ways to do it. It also has chapters titled “Scratching,” “Biting,” and “Reversing Roles.”
• The Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat who lived from 1740 to 1814, wrote a variety of erotic novels and short stories involving being beaten and beating others. Eventually the author’s name gave rise to the term “sadism.”
• Similarly, the term “masochism” is derived from the name of Austrian nobleman and author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose 1870 novel Venus in Furs describes a dominant-submissive relationship.
• Back in 1953, a Kinsey Institute study found that 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men were aroused by being bitten.
• And even pre-Fifty Shades of Grey, 36 percent of U.S. adults reported having had sex using masks, blindfolds, or other forms of bondage.

Is BDSM Still Considered a Medical Disorder?

At one time, mental health experts were dubious about whether those who practiced BDSM were mentally healthy. But the American Psychiatric Association took a huge step in destigmatizing kink with the release of the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013. For the first time ever, the guidelines drew a clear distinction between consenting adults who engage in sexual behaviors outside the mainstream, such as BDSM, and those who force others to engage in those behaviors without consent.

That means simply experimenting with, say, whips and chains, is no longer a sign of mental illness that by itself “justifies or requires clinical intervention,” the manual states.

There are true sexual disorders that are similar in theme. Sexual sadism disorder, for instance, involves inflicting physical or psychological pain on another for the purpose of sexual pleasure. And sexual masochism disorder involves deliberately involving yourself in a situation in which you are humiliated, beaten, or abused for the purpose of sexual excitement.

The difference between these two disorders and BDSM is consent, in the case of sexual sadism disorder, and that BDSM does not go to the degree of causing significant distress or impairing function, in the cas...

Tie up your man and go to town.

By alf_2712. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

Bondage sex is often associated with Sado Masochism. But that vaste generalization does a great disservice to a wide range of sexual proclivities. Each part of this grouping ought to be understood on it’s own attributes.

Bondage is simply adding real or perceived restrictions in a sexual encounter. It’s the fantasy of lost control over a situation which thrills many lovers. It often incorporates a fantasy scenario and some role-playing.

Sadism is the infliction of discomfort to a lover.

Masochism is a self-inflicted discomfort.

Today we’re hearing from Alfie, about her lover’s favorite kink. He allows himself to be restrained and subjected to sexual frustration, in the form of a very delayed ejaculation.

Healthy lovemaking of this sort may include switching roles, or may remain in fixed roles of a dominant & a submissive.

Sometimes it’s only a fantasy desired by one of them, yet the other lover plays a role simply to satisfy the other’s sexual sesires. Here’s Alfie.

My favorite Tease & Denial plot.

Spread eagle is my definitely my favorite bondage position. I love it. Tying at the feet is not always necessary, but the hands, absolutely. Even though a pair of cuffs in the middle do have their place, I’m a firm believer in hands at the corners. Some sort of strapping under the bed, whatever; we just want his arms out. Face up, of course.

You will need:

n a bed big enough for both of you

n some kind of restraint system already attached at all four corners of the bed frame, to tie his limbs outward, toward the four corners of the bed

n a bowl or basket containing:

A: a bottle of tasty massage oil,

B: a cock ring, and

C: a feather, furry mitt, or something which is very ticklish.

Besides these, the following are preferred;

n big tits If you’ve got them

n and minty gum can be nice.

No need for a blindfold. believe me, his eyes are your friend. You might also keep a glass of water, gotta keep those spit and sweat glands pumping. Ice water if you’re a bitch.

And a word on gagging. it’s up to you! But if you’re gonna gag, gag properly (i.e. rubber is better than your thong). Let’s get started! But let him breathe freely. His muffled voice is more for your experience of domination.

Get your man on your bed. Your face and hairdo should be impeccable and sultry, with lipstick mascara, and whatever else makes you look like a high-class slut. But somehow keep your hair from falling into your face on onto his oily body.

You want his to see your impeccable face and styled hair for the entire event.

If there’s a clock in the room, hide it.

Get him on his back and give him a kiss. A pillow under his head is good. And he’s naked, right? Completely naked? Dote on him and ask if he likes the position of the pillow. This doting just camouflages the torment you have planned for today.

You don’t have to be also naked, yet; but let your clothing help set a sensual mood. A Silky robe or his favorite lingerie is a good choice to start with.

Make focused attention on his comfort before you gently attach the restraints. Adjust the wrist restraints so you can fit one finger between the material and his skin. You want barely any wiggle room in his arms.

And his legs? Well, that’s up to you. Being bound on the bed and all accessible is going to make him squirm whether his legs are forced straight or not. I say leave em. But he might accidently hurt you if he suddenly flinches his legs.

Once all restraints are attached, extend each of his limbs and tighten the length up, so he’s truly spread-eagle and limited from squirming around during the event.

Tease and denial is the name of the game here. Or “edging” if you like. And edging it is.

We’ll be taking him right to the edge of an orgasm, more than a few times.

You know you’re doing well if you lose count. I hope your blowjob skills are up to date, ‘cause tongue is king here. Not to say it’s your only asset (it’s not). but subjecting him to excruciating pussy-torture can come a bit later.

In case it’s not clear already, this guide is written from a woman’s perspective; so if you’re not one, some parts o...

Too much of a good thing.

It appears she has persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD)

By Brian Alexander. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

The other day, a few media outlets in the New York region covered the story of a woman who can’t seem to stop having orgasms, which would seem joke-ready but can actually be a nightmare.

Doctor Brian Alexander files this assessment;

While the New Jersey woman’s condition has not been formally diagnosed, it appears she has persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD), something we explored years ago.

The syndrome usually manifests as a constant blood engorgement of the female genitals, mainly the clitoris. This creates a sensation of needing “relief.” Cue the jokes. But imagine constantly sensing the need for orgasm at work, on the bus, while visiting with friends, and then finding no relief, or only very temporary relief, if you masturbate. Genitals can become highly sensitive, and sore. Sufferers describe feelings of isolation and mental anguish.

Unfortunately, nobody is quite sure what causes it or how to treat it, but, according to Jim Pfaus, a researcher at Montreal’s Concordia University who studies the neuroscience of sexual response, and who is currently engaged in studying persistent genital arousal, there are enough clues to develop a working theory.

“The root cause,” he explained, “may be an irritation of the clitoral sensory nerves.” The brain interprets this sensation and sets off a cascade of events.

If you want to incur the rage of a woman in this condition, even the slightest suggestion comparing her to a nymphomaniac, could result in you likely getting beaten up and humiliated.

She didn’t ask for this, and she detests its imposition almost as much as sexual assault. A woman wants to be a willing participant. Offer her whatever help she asks for, but it may be for you to get the hell out of here, especially if she usually has some attraction to you, and is now confused by her physically-aroused state.

A brain region called the pro-optic area responds to dopamine signaling by sending out instructions for the body to prepare for sex, as if a woman has been engaged in foreplay when, in fact, she’s not remotely in a sexual context. Blood flows to the genitals. “So we think that this blood flow is in a state of hyperarousal in women with PGAD,” Pfaus said. “They get engorgement quickly, reach orgasm quickly when they try to relieve themselves. It shares features with premature ejaculation and priapism” in men.

That’s consistent with observations others have made. For example, Barry Komisaruk at Rutgers University found that of a group of 18 women with PGAD, 12 had cysts on nerves in the sacral region of their spines. The cysts may be stimulating clitoral nerves.

A variety of drug therapies (there’s even one report of a physical therapy involving manipulation of muscles in the region) have shown to help. SSRIs, commonly used for depression, seem to provide some relief. But Pfaus believes the drug varenicline (Chantix, commonly used for smoking cessation) is most promising. It works by interrupting the signaling that leads to dopamine release. Blood stops flowing.

While the therapy has worked in scores of women, Pfaus said, the drug isn’t perfect. “Unfortunately it comes back when they go off it.”

Brian Alexander

Moon Sprayed Eyes tells us about her condition, and the problems she still faces.

It Killed My Marriage

I haven't received any diagnosis yet, but I have experienced nearly all of these symptoms as far back as preschool.

I have been to so many doctors, Primary Care Managers, Obstitricians, Gynecologists,, and mental health professionals, due to how I describe the sensations of throbbing, tingles; that make me feel like I'm trapped in a constant stat...

The keys to open up some pretty wild doors.

By heel licker & By Bats and Glamour. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

He's asked you to talk dirty, but you don't know how.

So your lover has asked you to talk dirty to him. You may think of yourself as kinky and that you have a dirty mind but when you try to talk dirty the words just don't come to you. If nasty talk doesn't come naturally to you then this how-to is for you.

Keep in mind is that he is a guy, his mind is dirtier than yours. Do you want to know what is inside that skull of his? A cesspool, that's what's inside. All you need to learn is how to send ripples through it.

1: Remember, he is the one that asked you to talk dirty. He has no complaints if you talk too dirty. Besides, the chances of you talking too dirty for him are slim. Don't hold back.

2: When you do talk dirty for him you are being a sexual object. Men are pigs. We have been programmed since birth to objectify women. That does not mean we do not love our spouses, girlfriends, significant others, or whatever we call our partners. It means we have a sexual object that we fantasize about and at times we fantasize about the woman in our lives as being that sexual object. Are you willing to be a sexual object? Maybe it is something the two of you can discuss. Perhaps the two of you can discuss ground rules. Make sure you both know it is just a fantasy. You can always set a night for candlelight and soft music and then a night for talking to him like he was the pig that he is.

3: Dirty talk is spice. Too much can spoil the meal. Sprinkle those nasty words over the course of the evening. There is nothing like a good tease. Collect a repertoire of stock phrases. They don't have to be original. You are talking to cesspool after all. Use those phrases to set him up for the shocker. Use phrases that seem natural to you, but phrases using words like pussy, cock, and dick. 'I want you inside me' doesn't cut it. 'Fuck me with that dick' is better. Read stories on Literotica. If you come across a phrase you like write it down. If you are comfortable doing so, watch some porn movies when your partner is not around and takes notes. You don't particularly have to like porn movies. You are just doing homework. If you don't want to see what is happening on the screen don't look. Just listen. If you do like porn get the vibrator out and have some me time.

4: Make sure you have a shocker. What is a shocker? A shocker is that really dirty, nasty, and disgusting phrase that closes the deal. It is the phrase that will have him wrapped around your finger. The good thing about a shocker is that is does not have to be spontaneous. In fact, during the time you are earning your potty mouth it is best not to be spontaneous. The best shockers in the beginning are planned. You have all the time in the world to come up with a shocker. Before your night of dirty talk sit down with a pen and notebook and figure out what your shocker is going to be. Now is the time to get that dirty mind of yours to work. Think of a theme for your shocker. Are you the sweet little girl, the slut, the evil bitch or do you have something even more devious in mind. Get in the mindset that you are playing a character. Get yourself into the role. Start trying to objectifying things. It is not "his" dick, but "that" dick. It is just an object. It is not "your" pussy, but "that" pussy or better yet "that" hole. Objectifying is not a rule it is just something to just keep in mind. Think about whether it fits your theme or situation. Finally the best shockers have a hint of the taboo in them. Referring to yourself as mommy or call him a slut (yes, I said him). The goal is to send him over the edge. You may be saying to yourself that you couldn't say something like that to him. What if it would freaks him out. I could only answer that by saying that he wasn't just asking you to talk dirty to him. He was asking you to fuck his mind.

5: Make sure to deliver the shocker properly. After all your work, you wouldn't want the shocker to get lost unnoticed between "Oh, yeah, fuck that pussy" and "and fuck me, faster". Pace things. Set the scene, stop or slow things down if you need to, and make sure he is looking into your eyes when you are ready. Now deliver the shocker.

"You motherfucker. You've turned me into a slut, haven't you?"

Of course replace this shocker with your own. Make it as nasty you want it to be.

6: Once you've gone through ...

It may be time to let the girls out of boob prison.

With Sam EscobaR, Tonilyn HornunG, & CQt Rose. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

With their pokey underwire, thick straps and sweat-trapping cups, bras are not always the most comfortable thing in the world. Sure, getting a bra that properly fits can do wonders for your boobs, but there's nothing quite like going without one.

While there are certainly some folks who simply can't go bra-free, whether it's due to comfort or size, the ones who can; seem to universally agree that it is supremely amazing — whether you do it in public or just in the comfort of your own home. As someone with large breasts who has recently started embracing the wonders of going braless, I am totally obsessed. Why? Let me count the ways.

1. Your boob sweat can just ... evaporate.

Look, one of the most inconvenient things about summer (and having big boobs in general) is the pool of under-boob sweat that appears with the slightest hint of heat. When you skip the bra, you have a chance to air it all out rather than pressing that gross moisture against your skin all day. It even creates health risks of skin infections and rashes.

2. Your natural chest shape emerges.

For years, I thought that extremely round, padded and shaped look was the best one for my body. Now that I've started skipping a bra all together, I actually get to see the shape of my breasts, about which I've been previously self-conscious. It's fine if you like a bra-shaped appearance for your boobs, but it never hurts to try something new.

3. You realize how unique all boobs are.

Since the bra-free look has returned to popularity, more folks with differently shaped breasts have been rocking it. Droopy, small, large, asymmetrical, perky — all sorts, not just the one type fashion, movies and TV would have us believe. And the cool thing about that is that it's a reminder of how different chests are from one person to the next.

4. You get that "just took off my bra" feeling all. day. long.

You know how wonderful it feels to remove your bra the moment you get home? Imagine experiencing that delight for the entire day.

5. You save money on bras.

Fact: Bras are expensive. Another fact: Replacing them is annoying. If you wind up only wearing one for half of the week, you go through 'em half as fast — and spend half as much.

6. Nipples are highly underrated accessories.

The 1970s was a glamorous decade filled with glitz, gold and visible nipples. Take a page from the disco era and allow your nipples to add a little extra fun to your look. After all, men wear theirs out literally the entire summer. What's the big deal about letting ours simply rest naturally under the fabric of a shirt?

7. You look great in a crop top.

If you've ever felt so inclined to try the continuously popular crop top (hey — it's for any age, any body type!), I've got great news for you: They look great sans bra.

8. At the end of the day, you don't have all those pressure lines.

Even the best bras can leave some uncomfortable marks on your skin — why not just...