Day 19 - The Very Definition of Fuck Around and Find Out...

Hey, Hi, Hello, this is the History Wizard and welcome back for Day 19 of Have a Day w/ The History Wizard. Thank you to everyone who tuned in for Day 18 last week, and especially thank you to everyone who rated and/or reviewed the podcast. I hope you all learned something last week and I hope the same for this week as well. Originally this week was going to cover the currently ongoing genocide in Ukraine, but I need to do some more research before I’m ready to record that episode so instead today’s episode is going to be an interlude and we’re going to be talking aboutone of my favorite women in history. Olga of Kiev, a woman who is the very definition of fuck around and find out.

But first! The Alchemist’s Table! Today’s libation is called Kissed by Summer. It’s 2 oz of bourbon, 1 oz each of amaretto and francelico. .75 oz of vanilla simple syrup, 3 dashes of angostura bitters. Shake well and pour over ice. Top with equal parts lemonade and ginger beer and enjoy!

So, now onto Ola of Kiev, the Saint of Slaughter. Olga’s exact year of birth is unknown, but we know she was born somewhere between 890 and 925 CE in Pleskov. She was of Varangian origin, which was an ethnic group descended from Swedish vikingr invaders that eventually settled in the area of the Kievan Rus. She was 15 years old when she was married to Prince Igor I of the Rurik Dynasty. Igor was the son of Rurik, making him only the second ruler of this particular dynasty. During Igor’s reign and owing to a great deal of military aid from his guardian Oleg the Wise the Kievan Rus, and the many tribes of people living in it all came under Rurik control.

Tragedy would strike the Rurik Dynasty in the form of a neighboring tribe known as the Drevelians, a tribe of Eastern Slavic peoples. The Drevelians were not part of the Kievan Rus, though they had joined them in military campaigns against the Byzantine Empire previously and paid a yearly tribute to Igor’s predecessors in the Rurik Dynasty. After Oleg the Wise died in 912 CE the Drevelians stopped paying their tribute to Igor, instead paying it to a local warlord.

In 945 CE Igor set out with his army to bring the Drevelians into line. No longer would he allow them to deny him what he saw as his rightful tribute. He marched his army to the traditional Drevelian capital, Iskorosten, today known as Korosten in the Zhytomyr Oblast in northern Ukraine. Now, Igor’s army was much larger than any the Drevelians could field, so they backed down and agreed to resume their payments to Igor. However, Igor became greedy and after leaving to return home he turned around and went back to Iskorosten to demand even MORE tribute, at which point he Drevelians captured him alone and killed him.

According to the Byzantine chronicler Leo the Deacon, Igor's death was caused by a gruesome act of torture in which he was "captured by them, tied to tree trunks, and torn in two." They allegedly tied one leg each to two bent over birch trees and then let them catapult up in opposing directions, tearing him in half. Though it is possible that this exact story is apocryphal, the fact that Igor was killed by the Drevelians cannot be denied.

Upon learning of the death of her husband Olga ascended to the throne to rule as regent in the name of her son Sviatoslav. Olga was the first woman to rule over the Kievan Rus. Now, there isn’t a great deal of information in the historical record regarding what Olga’s reign was like. But there is A LOT of information detailing the bloody revenge she got on those who stole her love from her.

The Drevelians, now firmly in the Fuck Around stage and emboldened by their successful murder of Igor sent a missive to Olga. They proposed that Olga should marry the Drevelian prince Mal. The man directly responsible for killing her husband. According to the Russian Primary Chronicle, a document formerly thought to have been written by Nestor the Chronicler, although now it is considered to be of unknown authorship, Olga responded to their bold pronouncement thusly:

“Your proposal is pleasing to me, indeed, my husband cannot rise again from the dead. But I desire to honor you tomorrow in the presence of my people. Return now to your boat, and remain there with an aspect of arrogance. I shall send for you on the morrow, and you shall say, "We will not ride on horses nor go on foot, carry us in our boat." And you shall be carried in your boat.”

When they returned the next day the Drevelians repeated the words Olga had bade them and the people of the Kievan Rus lifted their boat upon their shoulders and carried them into the courtyard of Olga’s castle. The Drevelians were thrilled by this, feeling as though they were carried in great honor upon a palanquin. Once they were brought into the courtyard their porters dropped them, boat and all, into a trench that Olga had ordered dug the day before and were buried alive. It is written that Olg...