4. Unpacking Gender Conditioning with Don Ryan

Episode 4 - Unpacking Gender Conditioning with Don Ryan (Trigger Warning - Suicide)

Don has working in the social work for more than 30 years, both doing clinical work as a therapist with children who have experienced trauma and in welfare systems work working to reduce violence towards children, in domestic violence, and with people experiencing homelessness.

In his personal life, Don lost three family members to suicide beginning with his father while a college senior in 1989, his cousin Vinny in 2013, and his youngest brother Brendan in 2022. After a year of examining these three deaths and how they impacted his life and the lives of his other family members, Don wrote The Secret Struggle: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One, to support others who felt alone in their feelings of guilt and grief in the aftermath of that suicide.

After addressing the behavioral and psychological effects of suicide on a loved one, Don focuses on the societal stigma of mental health and suicide, especially as those stigmas pertain to men - a demographic that comprises 80 percent of all completed suicides. His premise is that men are raised to be strong, to not cry, and not show weakness and that these child rearing techniques are reinforced in adulthood that men need to be stoic and problem solvers. Don gives presentations on the need for social change to lessen this stigma.

Ryan has earned two Masters degrees including a Masters in Social Work from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, and currently lives in Minnesota in the United States.

What we talk about:

• 0:05 Meeting and Introduction
• Michelle welcomes Don, who shares his background and their connection through improving speaking and presenting skills.
• 3:45 Don's Book and Personal Experience
• Don introduces his book, “The Secret Struggle Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One,” blending professional expertise with personal experiences of losing three family members to suicide. He discusses the emotional impact and societal pressures on men to suppress emotions, contributing to higher male suicide rates.
• 6:09 Challenges and Societal Expectations
• Michelle and Don explore how societal conditioning of boys and men to suppress emotions affects mental health and relationships. Don’s work in violence prevention and victim services highlights the need for men to be involved in addressing these issues.
• 11:58 Gender Roles and Social Expectations
• They delve into how traditional gender roles perpetuate toxic masculinity, impacting everyone. They stress the importance of breaking the cycle of harmful conditioning and creating a better future.
• 13:53 Impact of Social Media and Historical Conditioning
• The discussion shifts to using social media to spread messages of change and the need for collective efforts. Don praises Michelle’s book for its inclusive approach and discusses suicide prevention, especially in the military.
• 23:09 Political and Social Implications
• They discuss the influence of political figures like Donald Trump on societal attitudes and stress the importance of empathy and understanding for creating positive change.
• 28:05 Call to Action and Final Thoughts
• Don encourages listeners to consider the future they want for their children and take proactive steps to create a better world.

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Follow Don on social media:

Website - https://www.thesecretstruggle.com/

The Secret Struggle - https://amzn.to/4eI67mh

Linkedin - https://www.linkedin.com/in/don-ryan-853a8447/

Instagram -