(18) Projecting Hope: A Journey through Adversity and Faith

04/30/24 • 21 min

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This episode describes my emotional journey as a mother incarcerated while battling to maintain parental rights and find a suitable living arrangement for my son, Tim, who is in foster care. Throughout my efforts, I face disappointments, such as Tim’s failed reunification plans with his father and the obstruction from Tim’s caseworker, Brian, who prevents Tim from receiving mail and visits from me.

In prison, I continue to experience a spiritual transformation, engaging with fellow inmates and disputing misconceptions about faith. My story also explores the concepts of God’s will versus personal desires, as I grapple with the possibility of losing my parental rights and learning to trust in God’s plans for me and my son. This is a story of resilience, faith, and unconditional love amidst the systemic challenges of foster care and incarceration.

00:00 The Struggle to Find a Home for Tim
01:05 The Heartache of Failed Reunifications
02:25 The Battle Against Bureaucracy and Time
04:37 A Mother’s Mission from Behind Bars
06:46 Finding Strength and Purpose Through Faith
09:46 Confrontation and Reflection: Facing Criticism
13:25 A Spiritual Turning Point: Questioning God’s Plan
17:24 Embracing God’s Will Amidst Personal Turmoil
19:13 Application for us today

TRANSCRIPT

Have you ever faced challenges where it seemed every solution was met with a “No”? Have you ever experienced the heartbreak of unfulfilled promises?

In May 2016 I experienced a turning point as I struggled to find a home for my son. I would also be confronted by a hostile inmate and fake friends. Join me as we explore the emotional impact of abandonment and rejection. Discover with me real solutions to God-sized problems.

We’ll uncover the secret to experiencing God’s good plans for you and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word. This is Projecting Hope.

“Hi, It’s Holly! How are you?” I was reaching out to every family member, friend and organization I could, trying to find a place for my son Tim to live. It was May 2016 and Tim, now 13 years old, had been in foster care for 2 and half years.

So far, Timmy had cycled through many foster and group homes. Occasionally Social Services wouldn’t have a home for Timmy at all, and he would sit all day at the Social Service offices, his backpack at his feet. He’d spend the night at an “emergency” foster home and be back the next day at Social Services, sitting at the office again. He’d also been placed in not quite right settings, such as group homes for older teenage boys with behavior problems, which concerned me greatly.

Ending another call, I hung up disappointed. Returning to my room, I reviewed the latest report from Social Services. My heart ached for Tim as I read. “Tim’s father agreed for the third time to a 6-month reunification plan in which he must attend Tim’s medical appointments. He never came to any appointments.”

Poor Tim, desperately lonely and wanting to go home! Tim was told the details of reunification plans. I’m sure Tim looked forward to seeing his dad at his doctor appointments, knowing this was the first step in going home.

I pictured Timmy in the doctor’s waiting room, hopefully watching the door, staring at the clock, excited for his dad to arrive. My heart broke as I imagined the appointment time growing closer and then passing altogether, Timmy still alone with a caseworker.

What would he be telling himself? How does one make that feel better? Timmy’s doctor appointments could be physically painful. How much worse as time and again it would be compounded by the emotional trauma of abandonment and rejection. How awful must the drive to his foster home have been afterward. Three identical reunification plans. Three identical failures. Hope obliterated in a child. Horrible. I feel sick writing about it.

Have you ever felt rejected or abandoned by someone important? Have you ever disappointed someone you love? How did you handle it?

Social Services also caused Tim trauma. Last fall Brian, Timmy’s caseworker, refused to give Timmy the mail I sent. (all mail was sent to Brian for delivery). During the same time period Brian also refused to facilitate my visits with Tim. He nevertheless reported through Social Services to the courts that Tim was receiving both visits and mail. It was a scary time for me, one I fought hard to fix.

Tim was unaware that stacks of mail from his mom were piled up on his caseworker’s desk. Tim was also unaware that his caseworker was obstructing visits. What Tim did know was that his dad, w...

Discover extra content in the blog post Projecting Hope!!

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TRANSCRIPT

Have you ever faced challenges where it seemed every solution was met with a “No”? Have you ever experienced the heartbreak of unfulfilled promises?

We’ll uncover the secret to experiencing God’s good plans for you and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word. This is Projecting Hope.

Have you ever felt rejected or abandoned by someone important? Have you ever disappointed someone you love? How did you handle it?

Tim was unaware that stacks of mail from his mom were piled up on his caseworker’s desk. Tim was also unaware that his caseworker was obstructing visits. What Tim did know was that his dad, w...

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(17) LOVE & HATE: From Bitterness to Blessing

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In this episode, we explore the journey of healing and transformation through loving and serving others. Despite facing broken relationships and personal struggles, I discover the power of love and reconciliation guided by divine intervention. Delving into scripture and prayer, I wrestle with the challenge of loving even my enemies, ultimately overcoming anger and rage with the help of God’s grace. Join us as we uncover the profound impact of forgiveness, redemption, and divine guidance in navigating life’s unexpected paths.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you struggle with anger? Do you need rescue from the hurt?

In April 2016 I found myself on an unexpected path. God urged me to heal broken relationships at a time when bitterness and rage would be the natural response. He also gave me a ministry of loving others. Discover with me the freedom found in obedience to God, even in our worst relationships.

We’ll uncover the secret to overcoming bitterness and finding joy in relationships with others. Listen until the end, you don’t’ want to miss a word! This is Love and Hate.

It was April 2016, and I’d spent the past three months trying to find a home in Minnesota for my son Tim. It was not going well. Tim, now age 13, was growing more despondent. He’d spent the past 2 and a half years in a slew of foster and group homes in Washington, so many I’d lost count. Tim was desperate to go home. I was hoping to find someone in Minnesota to care for him until I was released from prison.

“Did you see who’s back?” I turned to see who Jen was talking about. The day room in Tubman was full, with women watching TV and playing cards. “There, by the window,” she added pointing to a woman sitting by herself.

MCF-Shakopee was originally built to house a mere 250 women, but with expansion and make-shift modifications, had increased the prison capacity to 600. At times during my stay the population would swell to over 700.

For overcrowding relief the DOC would HoF out male and female inmates, housing them off campus in county jails and federal prisons. Some inmates were gone a few months, some an entire year. Spending a year in county jail can be a very rough experience.

I followed Jen’s hand and saw Tiffani sitting by the windows. Tiffani,in her early 20’s, sat alone. She stared out the window and sucked her thumb. Rocking back and forth in her chair and gripping a strand of her hair in one hand she appeared lost in thought. I remembered her well and my heart sank. Tiffani was a difficult person, like thirty behavioral problems in one package. Right now, however, she looked pitiful. I narrowed my eyes and considered her.

Still reading my Bible every day, I read that Jesus often prayed all night. I did not pray that much. In fact days or even weeks might go by where I didn’t pray at all. I understood that if Jesus needed to pray for hours then I needed to pray more too!

Jesus also stressed our need to love people. In fact He said,

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:44

I was not good at that either. I created a prayer list to help myself pray more, and I began to add people I didn’t like as well as those I already loved.

Are you interested in a more fulfilling prayer life? Do you struggle with this?

Now I stared at Tiffani and thought. She was an ABE student, which meant she would soon be in the class where I was a tutor. “Great, just great,” I thought miserably. ‘As if loving others wasn’t challenging enough.’

I considered adding Tiffani to my prayer list, but I didn’t want to because thinking about her any longer than necessary sounded unpleasant. Tiffani continued rocking in her chair as I thought, sucking her thumb, and staring out the window seeing nothing. I’d rarely seen her so quiet. Sighing, I decided I would add her to my list and pray for her and turned back to my friend. This choice would lead to surprising results.

One day I read in the Bible-

Regard (treat with honor, due obedience, and courtesy) your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God gives you. Exodus 20:12

I noticed it was one of the 10 commandments and the only one that came with a promise if obeyed. I puzzled over its meaning. I thought I understood respect, but I wanted to obey God exactly as He desired. Did I have to feel affection for my parents? Admiration? Would I need to ignore my own pain to obey?

I felt rejected in many ways by my parents – marginalized, disrespected, discarded. To...

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(01) BEFORE: Setting the Stage and a Candid Interview

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Before the confines of prison, I had an ordinary life, family, dreams. Before 2010, everything seemed on track. Life has a way of surprising us, doesn’t it? Before 2010, I didn’t see the tragic detour ahead, a journey that would challenge every belief, every idea of self. Then came the pivotal moment, the moment that shattered the illusion of a predictable future.

Prison, often seen as the end, became the canvas for a new beginning.

TRANSCRIPT

Prison doesn’t change lives. God changes even people in prison. Join me as we unravel life Before 2010, peaking at moments that led to profound transformation. This is just the beginning of one story that defies expectations and embraces the power of change.

Prison didn’t change my life. Earthly things don’t change us into heavenly creatures.
Salvation is a gift from God. It just so happens I was in prison when that happened for me.
Before my arrest at age 35 in 2010 I never thought about prison, jail, or the criminal justice system. Everything I thought I “knew,” I learned on TV, as I really enjoyed news and drama programs (which did me no good at all). To my knowledge I had no friends who’d sat jail time. I had no idea what to expect if I was arrested and sent to jail.
Have you found yourself in an unfamiliar situation, uncertain of what to expect, anxious for the future?
I’m inspired to share my story with you because I want to point you to Jesus and your own personal relationship with Him. He is so, so good! I also want to encourage you in whatever circumstances you are in today.
My life before prison was ordinary. Does that describe your life? Would you like more? You are in the right place.
I’ve always been a competitive person, often an overachiever. As a young person I was also insecure, and I acted out during my teen years. I often felt angry and unloved. These feelings would deepen into rage and depression as I grew older.
Growing up my parents took me and my brother to church several times a week. We were also sent to Fourth Baptist Christian School. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age and was baptized at our church. I wanted to be a good girl and embraced what I was learning. It wasn’t praise I received, however, for my efforts; it was apathy and occasional accusation.
I grew to hate my mother, feeling rejected, and I ran away from home for a short time at age 17. I could not bear returning to a place where I felt misunderstood and mischaracterized. Frequent tongue lashings instead of loving conversations had left me wrung out and ready to find love and approval elsewhere.
Just before my 19th birthday, I impulsively married a man I had dated in high school, even though we were no longer dating. On a whim we drove to Las Vegas with some friends and got married. This would be the first of many choices I would regret, while not understanding my motivations.
Not for the first time I was asked, “What were you thinking? Why did you do that?” It wouldn’t be the last time.
Have you ever done something you don’t understand? Do you have regrets?
Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. I am baffled, bewildered. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe, which my moral instinct condemns.”
I became pregnant with my first son soon after. Within a month or two my husband began cheating on me, and a year later we were separated.
I was eager to prove myself after this disaster. I felt shame as a single mom, a divorced woman, in her early 20s. I lacked a personal relationship with Jesus, however, at the time. I had accepted Him as my Savior, but He wasn’t Lord of my life. I was not rebellious, I simply didn’t understand the concept.
At age 23 I remarried. I had believed my first husband shared my religious convictions and I felt certain my new husband did as well. In order to determine this I considered his family, whose religious convictions were similar, and used this to inform me. My second husband also lacked a personal relationship with Jesus.
I’d heard the phrase “personal relationship with Jesus” before, although it wasn’t stressed nor explained at the church I grew up in. Salvation was their talking point, which they believed they’d narrowed to a formula – “the sinner’s prayer.” What should be expected afterward was not described (other than heaven upon death, which was also not further described), although teaching was of high importance at this church.
I’d prayed the salvation prayer many times throughout my formative years, feeling no different than before. I was left wondering if I’d prayed “sincerely enough.” Convinced I couldn’t be more earnest and having been le...