What I've Learned Lately Through Living & Listening

Finding out I was pregnant was one of the most confusing times of my life.

In this week's episode I invite you into a little story time. And it's really close to my heart. It is vulnerable to share, and I did my best to remain as open as possible. Though, I do want to add that there are so many pieces in here and the story that were left out. It is impossible to fit it all in only 30 minutes. There's always more to say, more to add, more to clarify, more to try to explain but that's the thing. I am so done with and tired of explaining myself. You do not have to ever. We get to just trust here. So I trusted what was on my heart to say, without trying to think much about it at all. And so, I do want to note and add how grateful I am to my family and friends that helped me during this both wildly chaotic and beautiful time of my life. I know it wasn't easy.

And, I will always be grateful.

I was running between celebrating because this meant I was really meant to be with my high school sweetheart (obvi) and it was going to "fix" everything for us...! We could have that fairytale ending!
AND, being absolutely terrified because I was a lost, broke, 20 year old college girl who was recently single, anxiously attached, was living life fucking around, and I had no clue who I was or what I was doing. No wayyyy could I grow a baby and raise a child.

Plus.. What. Would. People. Think. Of. Me?!

What. Would. People. Say?

What would this "mean" for me? For Drew and I? For our family?
I already was really good at making up masques and wearing them. But this took everything to a whole new level.

I was running a fear story where I essentially gave all my power away to the people outside of me and wrapped my mind with overwhelming thoughts and terribly mean comments assuming what people would believe about me after finding out that I was pregnant.

Like the worst things I could possibly think of. Every possible nasty comment and saying I was already feeding myself out of my own fear and to beat anyone else to it. Though that wasn't my conscious intention. And this did nothing to help me out, it only made matters worse. I was swimming in a pool of toxicity from my own thoughts and fears. Without even realizing. And I was drowningggg. I was projecting my fears onto others and so when my thoughts were made manifest and I'd hear something I would take it soooo personally and the fear would only grow. What you focus on expands. So my fear was in this cycle of feeding on itself. I had to learn to see those negative thoughts, consciously let them go, and choose new ones. This took a very very veryyyyyyyy long time.

I still hear the stories go off in my head sometimes, "She's a slut." "How irresponsible." "Her life is over." "That sucks." "He doesn't even want to be with her." "She's no fit to be a mother." "What's wrong with her?" "What was she thinking?" "She's so xyz..."

And then I shamed my shame with more shame.
I felt it wasn't fair for me to feel sad about the pregnancy. "I should be grateful." I thought, "So many people try to get pregnant and can't, you're lucky!." I felt shame for feeling like I didn't want the baby. And that created more shame because my poor unborn child didn't deserve that. It was not her fault. I was the problem. Everything pointed back to me. And I felt shame for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I felt shame for not actually really knowing what I wanted.

I hated myself.

But, I tried to masque it up with a lot of smiles.

I tried to convince myself that I was happy about where my life was going.

And... I think it worked.

Until it didn't.

And I couldn't pretend anymore.

And one by one, each painful lie I had been telling myself had to come out to be seen.

And slowly but surely, every truthful part of myself began to come to life. And I was discovering myself for the first time.

It was a painful process. But I had to purge all of the lies I had been telling myself. And to see the shit that I was living in. And allow myself to really look at it. So I could take a stand and live a different life. One that I could actually be proud of. And that is what I am in the making of right now. Living a life where I am practicing really being truthful and honest with myself. Once where I am aware of my fear stories and practice choosing love. One where I follow my heart and allow myself to express myself fully no matter what anyone else thinks. One where I do what I want to do. A life where I am already whole, worthy, and enough. A life where I get to just be, me.

And this eventually birthed... Free To Be. (:

To my fellow mothers and fathers out there. God bless you.

I mean seriously! It is not easy. And I know that. So know, I'm honoring you.

Family, it's important we check in with one another...