The Witness vol.1

Softly-spoken toff-botherer Nicholas Quim of our Royal News Desk mops up his damp, voluminous grief and gets on with his job. His report, which was fuelled by gin, is wildly inaccurate and was cobbled together over a weekend during rare breaks in his hysterical, performative distress, with the help of our long-suffering audio producer Mina. And if he thinks he's distraught now, wait until he checks his whatsapp and learns we've fired his oily, unctuous arse.

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