Dear Pod,

I turns out I discovered the cure to pre-mature balding while I was dreaming the other night. Unfortunately, I was talking in my SLEEP and no one could understand what the hell I was mumbling about. Try not to take anything too literally today as we "express" ourselves during this weeks episode.

Let me fluff up that pillow for you cause you're going to be laying in that COFFIN for a long time. Which one are you going to get? The one with the glass top or the racing stripe? After you listen to this episode, just like Patrick, the wood-chipper option is looking better and better.

A poem, by Abby herself, to guide all fans of DEAR POD through these challenging days.

GUEST ALERT!!! Put on your scarfs and gloves. Fill up the flasks with brandy and bourbon, and warm up those vocal chords. This week we are all going CAROLING! Join us as we welcome Author, Caroler and Wearer of Bonnets, RENAE BAKER, to the lounge as she helps us dissect the real meaning behind some of the most beloved, classic, Christmas carols. If we are lucky, we will finally discover the true agenda of The Little Drummer Boy. Rum Pum Pum Pum, Indeed!

Ya know, in this day and age, it is nearly impossible to make an OBSCENE PHONE CALL. What happened to the good old days when you can walk into a phone booth, slide the door closed, pick a random name from the phone book, put in a dime, dial a bunch of numbers on a rotary phone, squat down in the booth so no one can see what you're doing...Oh, God...this is too much work. I'm going home to dial up and connect to AOL and see if anyone will send me dirty pictures. Like a normal person!