Dating Kinky

How do you communicate best? How do you receive communication best? And does it even matter?
I think so.
A while back, I decided to research communication styles in the Google. A quick search brought up a lot of articles, but all were about the four basic communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive, or about variations on that theme.
And I'm a master of Google Fu. I have found important stuff by typing the most bizarre things into Google. Like "book about Arthur legend in space," because I remembered a series I read when I was 14 or 15 that I wanted to find again (The Keltiad for those interested.)
But this time, I was not finding the right words to input. That was not what I was looking for.
So I set it aside.
Then I saw this screenshot series going around by @butchanarchy on twitter, that said:
> Tbh the people I’ve known who have been the most rigidly committed to the idea that all hard or important conversations *must* happen in-person have also been people for whom in-person conversations give them the greatest advantage.
>
> I know that it’s a pretty common position that you’re ethically required to have hard conversations in-person/on the phone rather than in writing but I wonder if anyone who believes that has taken a moment to consider which people that position tends to privilege.
>
> Speaking for myself: I’m autistic. I can have hard conversations in-person, but the only way I can do even that (and hold my boundaries in it rather than just submit to the other person) is if I have a lot of prep time. Otherwise I just get walked all over.
>
> Writing, on the other hand, allows me to really reflect on how I feel and what I want to say. It allows me to have valuable processing time with what the other person says, without the pressure and speed of in-person conflict, which I need to come to a truly genuine response.
>
> There is not an insignificant number of folks who are very socially skilled and good at manipulation who demand all communication be on their terms because they are well aware that their terms make it easier for them to control the conversation and its outcome.
>
> Not saying that all people who prefer hard/important conversations to be in-person are like this. All I’m saying is that the cultural standard we have that says that communication *must* look a certain way is a distinct advantage for some and a distinct disadvantage for others.
>
> The way I see it is that communication mediums (texts, in-person convos, emails, phone calls, letters, etc.) are value neutral and which one is utilized should be dependent on what best allows all participants to communicate their needs and boundaries honestly and effectively.
You see, I was taught so many rules about communication by others, and I gulped them down, hook, line, and sinker.
For example, have you ever heard the advice "Never go to bed angry"?
I believed it.
That meant that we had to deal with whatever is happening now, no matter how unprepared someone was. No matter if someone was having an awful day and just didn't have the brain power to keep up. No matter if it was 1:30 am, and one of the people is an early bird who pumpkins at 9pm...(it's me, I pumpkin at 9pm).
And when I found out that was not only not true, but often WRONG, it made me question a lot of things.
But that was years ago, and suddenly a few days back, there I was, typing 'communication styles' into a search engine to see what happened, and being disappointed.
And then, today, inspiration hit.
And I typed 'learning styles' into Google, and came up with the VARK method, which I've 'known' for a while, but haven't actually used consciously in a long time.
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/communication/what-is-your-communication-style/

What makes for a 'safe' friend to talk to?
I feel like the answer varies with people.
For example, I know most of my friends would be devastated if I lied to them, but when I post online about lies, there are always some people who claim that they preferred to be lied to, to save their feelings.
I would not be a 'safe' friend for those people, ever.
Especially in a highly emotional or trauma-based situation.
And that's OK. I don't want to be everyone's safe space. I can't. I don't have the energy, and frankly, that's not my priority.
But let's talk about why I'm not your 'safe' friend.
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/personal/i-am-not-your-safe-friend/

Most of us have at one point or another.
And I'll be clear, it's hard to know the answer. I certainly can't tell you. Because no one can really know another's mind.
BUT, I can tell you why you might think you're being used, what to do if you wonder if you're being used, and how not to be used.
First, let's talk about how people might use you...
How are you being used? You probably know the possibilities better than I, but here is a short list of common ways that people might use other people:
- For attention, someone to listen to them or admire them.
- For money or favors.
- For emotional support, they want someone to cheer them up or help them through emotional crises.
- For sex or physical intimacy.
- For access, they want to know the people you know or access the resources you have.
- For entertainment, they reach out when they're bored or don't have other things to do.
- For escape, they create a fantasy with you that is separate and different from their daily lives.
And so on.
Let me be clear: NONE of these things are necessarily bad. After all, if you're getting what you need out of the relationship AND they are open and honest with you so that you can fully consent, then it's perfectly cool.
However, I'm guessing that if that were the case, you'd never wonder if you're being used, right?
Right.
Examine the feelings that lead to the question.
There are a certain range of feelings that trigger the question, "Am I being used?" Most have at least one foot solidly planted in resentment.
So, what is resentment? Well, some say it's an admixture of feelings, generally disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. Others consider it a mood.
In either case, it's usually brought on by an experience of insult and/or injury:
- You feel imposed upon without consideration for your ability, preferences, or well-being.
- You feel that expectations have been placed upon you without negotiation or consent.
- You feel like once their needs or desires are met, you're no longer interesting or useful.
- You feel like affection/friendship is offered only to get what they want.
- You feel like you are there for them, but they don't make an effort to return the favor—or any favor.
Ultimately, when someone questions whether they are being used, it typically means the person feels they've been taken advantage of and their boundaries have been violated.
Ah! Boundaries.
Those of you who read me often know that's one of my favorite concepts, and it's no surprise to you that they come into play here.
Right? *smiles*
Right.
OK. So, we've talked about how you might be used, and why you might think you are being used. Let's move on.
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/healthy-boundaries/have-you-ever-wondered-am-i-being-used/
No Regrets Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ymnh4DKvZiM

At the end of February, I was in California for a bit and decided to share some amazing content from other voices in the kink world.
I loved being able to boost those voices, and the response was enthusiastic.
I was hoping that would be the case, because I really do want to share more content from other spaces in the community.
And so, today, I'd like to present some thoughts from a dear friend of mine in the cuckolding/FemDom space, Mistress K. The first time I heard her on a podcast, I knew we would be great friends, and I was right. In this piece, she shares some of her thoughts on single men in the cuckolding/hotwifing/swinging fill different needs with different actions.
*smiles*
I'd like to note that the terms used in here, specifically "bull" and "stallion" in reference to men make me genuinely uncomfortable from a personal standpoint. However, these are terms that are used commonly within the man-as-a-third lifestyles, and accepted and understood.
I tend to use the term "bullfriend," specifically because it is more humanizing (to me), and I love the people I play with. However, there are no real substitutes used widely.
I'm not saying this to reduce Mistress K's message in any way, but to let you know my own thoughts that may be similar to yours, especially in you are not a part of the lifestyles discussed.
And even taking away those terms and the lifestyle-specific references, there is something to be said for how well she breaks down what works for her and attracts her in her nonmonogamous relationships with single men.
--
Single Guys: Roles in the (Cuckolding/Hotwife/Swing) Lifestyles
What makes a Bull?
That’s a thought that I’ve been pondering a lot lately. It is different for every couple.
Personally, I am picky with whom I bestow that title. This is my own quirkiness that probably comes from disliking the way the word Bull is thrown around as a catch-all moniker for every guy who plays as a single man in the Lifestyle.
As Michael C from the Keys and Anklets podcast says, “there is a big difference between a man that wants to fuck your wife and a Bull.”
I take that statement a step further.
To me there is a difference between a man, who understands my hotwife/cuckold dynamic, and a man, who my husband and I are BOTH comfortable with taking on more of a dominant role in our presence.
Because, while I think there are many single guys that are suited to be playmates, not all are good candidates to be my Bull. Some are “stunt cocks” that can come in and fuck the hell out of me in front of my husband and also be perfectly respectful to both him and us as a couple.
However, are those same men suited to order my husband around, and would he be receptive to taking orders from that man?
Not necessarily.
So in my opinion, we have a variety of single guy types in the Lifestyle. How I interact with these men and how they, in turn, interact with me, determines which type I tend to view them.
There are Bulls-men who truly care about creating an experience for a couple and understand their role while also getting something out of it for themselves.
Playmates-experienced men who know how to play with couples or solo. While they may not connect with us in that dominant way, they are awesome play partners and create some very fulfilling encounters for me. These are my most consistent play partners, my repeat performers!
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/cuckolding/guest-post-single-guys-roles-in-the-cuckolding-hotwife-swing-lifestyles/

Find the transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/love/when-men-dont-want-sex/