14 \\ “I’m Walking On Eggshells With My Husband ALL THE TIME - What Do I Do?” - Help For Women Married To Narcissists Or In Abusive Marriages With Joy Forrest Of Called To Peace
08/23/22 • 30 min
Hey friends! The more women I talk to, the more I see who find themselves between a rock and a hard place when it comes to their marriage.
An imbalance of power and control within a marriage can create constant fear, a sense of walking on eggshells, never knowing what’s going to happen next, and coming to believe that there is something inherently wrong with yourself — because clearly, if your husband is always unhappy with you, frequently angry at what you do, that would be the correct conclusion .... right?
It can be hard to know what’s worse... the perpetual put-downs, the crazy-making, and the betrayal, or the physical violence that often occurs.
If you’re in a situation like this, or if you ever have been, know this: if you’re in Christ, God is for you, not against you. He will never leave you nor forsake you, and his grace is sufficient for you. We have a promise in James 1:5 that He gives wisdom freely to all who ask, without reproach, and we know that much wisdom is needed within oppressive marriages.
One of the wonderful ways that God provides that wisdom is through other believers, and today we have Joy Forrest back with us, talking about the Called to Peace ministry once again, and how they help women who find themselves within a destructive marriage, whether we call those marriages oppressive or narcissistic or abusive, and how Called to Peace walks with them through the with them through the process as they make choices about what to do.
*******
The decision to leave, or stay in, a marriage where there’s an imbalance of power and control — an abusive marriage — is a weighty decision, but it ultimately needs to be made in a prayerful, Scripture-saturated, and counsel-seeking way *by the woman*; she ought not be TOLD to separate or divorce.
In this week’s episode, Joy shares about her journey out of abuse and PTSD into healing — by the power of the Holy Spirit, through the Word of God.
She also talks about how Called to Peace offers highly-trained domestic violence advocates to women within, or coming out of, abusive or narcissistic marriages — to stabilize the woman’s situation, and have the best possible outcome.
She touches on how the way we talk about the abuse dynamic in court can make a big difference in the outcome of a separation, divorce, or custody case. She shares how women should describe to the judge the top-five worst issues within the relationship, use the power and control wheel, and avoid the use of the word “abuse” or “narcissism.” Judges have been trained to believe that claiming abuse is a way for a woman to get custody of her children. By explaining the situation without using those trigger terms, a better outcome is possible.
Called to Peace is undenominational and broadly evangelical, working with churches of a variety denominations, and respects the theological viewpoints of those they seek to help, as long as women and children are being kept safe.
(Joy joined us from her daughter’s hospital room as she prepared to welcome a grandchild! We’re so thankful she was willing to be interviewed under the circumstances!)
You can find Called To Peace Ministries at https://www.calledtopeace.org/
Joy Forrest’s book, Called To Peace, can be purchased here: https://amzn.to/3CcrZ9o
Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook
Send us a note at [email protected]
Hey friends! The more women I talk to, the more I see who find themselves between a rock and a hard place when it comes to their marriage.
An imbalance of power and control within a marriage can create constant fear, a sense of walking on eggshells, never knowing what’s going to happen next, and coming to believe that there is something inherently wrong with yourself — because clearly, if your husband is always unhappy with you, frequently angry at what you do, that would be the correct conclusion .... right?
It can be hard to know what’s worse... the perpetual put-downs, the crazy-making, and the betrayal, or the physical violence that often occurs.
If you’re in a situation like this, or if you ever have been, know this: if you’re in Christ, God is for you, not against you. He will never leave you nor forsake you, and his grace is sufficient for you. We have a promise in James 1:5 that He gives wisdom freely to all who ask, without reproach, and we know that much wisdom is needed within oppressive marriages.
One of the wonderful ways that God provides that wisdom is through other believers, and today we have Joy Forrest back with us, talking about the Called to Peace ministry once again, and how they help women who find themselves within a destructive marriage, whether we call those marriages oppressive or narcissistic or abusive, and how Called to Peace walks with them through the with them through the process as they make choices about what to do.
*******
The decision to leave, or stay in, a marriage where there’s an imbalance of power and control — an abusive marriage — is a weighty decision, but it ultimately needs to be made in a prayerful, Scripture-saturated, and counsel-seeking way *by the woman*; she ought not be TOLD to separate or divorce.
In this week’s episode, Joy shares about her journey out of abuse and PTSD into healing — by the power of the Holy Spirit, through the Word of God.
She also talks about how Called to Peace offers highly-trained domestic violence advocates to women within, or coming out of, abusive or narcissistic marriages — to stabilize the woman’s situation, and have the best possible outcome.
She touches on how the way we talk about the abuse dynamic in court can make a big difference in the outcome of a separation, divorce, or custody case. She shares how women should describe to the judge the top-five worst issues within the relationship, use the power and control wheel, and avoid the use of the word “abuse” or “narcissism.” Judges have been trained to believe that claiming abuse is a way for a woman to get custody of her children. By explaining the situation without using those trigger terms, a better outcome is possible.
Called to Peace is undenominational and broadly evangelical, working with churches of a variety denominations, and respects the theological viewpoints of those they seek to help, as long as women and children are being kept safe.
(Joy joined us from her daughter’s hospital room as she prepared to welcome a grandchild! We’re so thankful she was willing to be interviewed under the circumstances!)
You can find Called To Peace Ministries at https://www.calledtopeace.org/
Joy Forrest’s book, Called To Peace, can be purchased here: https://amzn.to/3CcrZ9o
Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook
Send us a note at [email protected]
Previous Episode
13 \\ “My Church Just Doesn’t Understand Domestic Abuse!”— How Called To Peace Ministries Can Help With Joy Forrest
Hey friends! We’re glad to be back after a brief hiatus. If you’ve ever been, or are currently in an abusive marriage relationship, but you’ve found that the church you’re part of — the church you love! — just doesn’t understand how an imbalance of power can be used to control, coerce, threaten, humiliate, and harm a married woman, you’re not alone. In fact, in a recent poll in our Facebook community, 85% of respondents indicated they’d experienced domestic abuse within marriage, and most churches aren't equipped to handle it. Our guest today is a biblical counselor who started a ministry to help women in the midst of domestic abuse, and a unique aspect of the ministry is how they reach out to churches, helping those local fellowships to understand the dynamics of what’s going on, and showing them how they can protect the women and children involved, even if no divorce takes place. I think you’re going to be very encouraged by today’s episode! Here are a few of the things we cover in today’s episode:
• Learn what abuse is!
• Understand how using the term “abuse” can initially be a red flag to church leadership— it’s often better to simply describe what’s happening, so the pastors can recognize the cruelty that’s occurring.
• Hear how abuse within marriage can often result in complex PTSD, and the woman’s stress symptoms and emotional response can end up being counterproductive when she’s trying to get help from her church leadership or pastors.
• Learn how the Power and Control Wheel is a visual that can help explain the dynamics of abuse.
• Hear how Called to Peace has pastors who are willing to go in, talk to local church leaders, and help them navigate these abusive situations. What Called to Peace finds is that, although not every church “gets it,” 70%-80% of churches are willing to listen to what the liaisons have to say! In fact, many churches are now reaching out to Called to Peace to help them understand and handle abusive marriage relationships.
• The number one thing the ministry tries to teach churches is that domestic abuse is NOT a marriage problem— it’s a sin problem with an individual. Bringing in a couple for marriage counseling where one spouse is abusive is like expecting marriage counseling to help in a relationship where the husband is a heroin addict.
• Realize that Called to Peace can teach women to maintain boundaries and be safe, but ultimately a marriage where there’s abuse cannot survive unless the abuser chooses to acknowledge the sin problem and decides to get the help necessary to change.
You can find Called To Peace Ministries at https://www.calledtopeace.org/
Joy Forrest’s book, Called To Peace, can be purchased here: https://amzn.to/3CcrZ9o
Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook
Send us a note at [email protected]
Next Episode
15 \\ What Does The Bible REALLY Say About Narcissists, And How Can Abuse-Informed Biblical Counseling Help In Marriage With A Narcissistic Spouse? A Conversation With Kelli Russell Of Grace Matters
What does the Bible say about these people we call “narcissists,” what do they look like, and how can abuse-informed biblical counseling help in a marriage with a narcissistic spouse?
Listen to this episode and learn:
-One of the main things you DON’T see in a narcissistic individual
-One of the biggest signs a woman is in a narcissistic relationship
-Why marriage counseling doesn’t work when you’re married to someone with narcissistic tendencies
More takeaways:
We want to be cautious about using the term “narcissism” in the same way secular psychology does for a couple of reasons: first, we’re dealing with people created in the image of God, and second, there is always a possibility of change in Christ. We’re not to walk in fear or hopelessness with these people, even if we end up needing to separate from them.
Narcissism is what the Bible calls selfishness and pride, and it occurs on a scale. One thing that distinguishes narcissists from your average sinner who struggles with anger, selfishness, and arrogance is an unwillingness to receive counsel— they evade counsel time and time again.
A person can be narcissistic without being perniciously oppressive. Oppression is a problem with power and control; narcissists don’t always evidence a problem with power and control, but they always demonstrate an exceptionally high desire for self-protection. They want to be seen as “having it all together,” and will do anything to protect the image of who they are.
So, the two things that define narcissism are not so much the degree of pride and selfishness, but the self-protection and unwillingness to receive counsel.
Goals for individual (NOT marital) counseling: strengthen the base of the survivor, and hold the spouse with narcissistic tendencies accountable, that they may begin to see their heart the way God sees their heart.
For counseling information from Grace Matters, Kelli Russell's biblical counseling ministry, visit https://www.gracemattersministries.org/
Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook
Send us a note at [email protected]
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