Tales From The Couch

Ah yes. Therapy. The lovely activity of paying someone insane amounts of money to have them tell you-you suck. You pay someone to basically watch you argue. We did, and at the end, he said, “I don’t care if you use me or not, but if you don’t change you guys are going to get divorced.” He was blunt. He also dropped F-bombs on a regular basis and came across unprofessional.

We found a lovely older Christian counselor. We paid her lots of money to listen to us argue. We also got to learn about the counselor’s family. Learning about her children, and husband didn’t really help my marriage. She had some good advice. But there was a problem. She said we had to work on ourselves. If we were there to fix the other person, it wasn’t going to work. What did she know? She wasn’t home with me. The nurse is the one who needs the most fixing. Sure, I’m open to learning new stuff. I’m a teacher and feel learning is something we should do every day. I felt a big problem was my wife had issues admitting when she was wrong. Meanwhile, she admitted that about 80% of our marriage problems were related to me. We were like gunslingers ready to draw quickly and start pointing fingers. Anybody see the problem with this?

I did an experiment and timed the amount of time I spent on the computer during the week. It was an insane amount. I decided to make plans to cut back. It would be a process. I just couldn’t flip a switch, but I needed to cut back on my consulting and make some time for my family. I tried assigning one night of the week to be the “computer night. That didn’t work. In general, I am a creative person and ask any songwriter, poet, artist, etc and they will talk about those times when the "Creative juices flow." Ask them about how long it took to do a project, and they won't know. Why? Because we lose track of time. We get wrapped up in the project and get sucked in. This is fine when you're 18 and you end up finishing a song at 3:57 AM. This is not good when you're married with stepchildren who need your time and attention. I needed to keep an eye on the clock. I would say things like, "This will only take 15 minutes," and an hour later still be "almost done." This is something I still struggle today. I started making progress, but we still hadn’t really found a way to communicate. The bad news is we both had wrongful impressions of what the other person wanted.

Counselor number three was a nice woman who used the Gottman institute process (Check out the Gottman Book). Great stuff. They assigned homework, we were making progress. I had cut back my computer time and started spending more time with the family. We were slowly headed in the right direction, but moving at a snail’s pace.

Like most couples, we argued about money. It doesn’t matter how much you make. It matters how much you spend. Here again, you have someone who grew up poor (me) and someone who didn’t. In the transition of trying to manage the finances, I made some mistakes and we ended up bouncing checks. The nurse lost confidence in me as I didn’t do things the way she would do them, and things started to separate. Feeling disrespected (as I can be quite good with money), the resentment rose to a new level. Any discussion over this came to no conclusions, no compromises of any value, and the boat that was headed in the right direction began to sink. My marriage had turned into a power struggle. You had to two people who were accustomed to living single, use to doing what they wanted. We were “So in love” we didn’t really set any expectations. In regards to being married, we just figured we would figure it out. We had both been married before. This is a bad plan. We no longer saw each other as people of good will.

One marriage seminar spoke about making sure your wife felt cherished. I was trying, we both we trying, but failing. Panic started to sink in I believe. That nagging question of, "Did I make a mistake?" started to quietly, softly, appear. The nurse would say something like, "Why don't you just divorce me if I'm so bad." When I told her how upsetting it was to hear the word "Divorce" come out of her mouth. It was NOT an option for me. It has never been, and never will be. I tried to get her to promise not to use it. Reluctantly agreed, but found loopholes by using phrases like, "I've had enough," or "I'm through," "We're done." Sure, she didn't use the word "Divorce," but she might as well. Eventually, it snuck back into her vocabulary. Each time, making me feel less confident in my marriage. She wanted more quality time with me? She wanted me to invest in the marriage. Why put ...