BOWIE VS. DYLAN

Jake: I'm back, baby!!! Ready to again offer some of those patented witticisms that barely make any sense, for this latest episode of this here podcast. What have you learned from your experience writing them, Chaz?

Chaz: I don't know, I'm exhausted from the effort I put in two weeks ago in your stead.

Jake: Anything?

Chaz: Uhhhhhh, small words followed by some big words, followed once again by some smaller ones? Maybe describe what happens in the episode, but only enough info to tantalize potential new listeners into giving us a shot?

Jake: Thanks, professor.

Chaz: Bowie invents the internet YET AGAIN by releasing a streaming live album with the absolutely atrocious name of "You'll Have to Listen To Bowie vs. Dylan To Find Out"...dotcom.

Jake: Dylan swaggers around the world, huffing that sweet sweet career comeback glue and putting in more than minimal effort to win a frickin' Oscar the following year.

Chaz: Bowie himself posts some stuff on his website that I was absolutely a part of when it started. In fact, call me Charlie@Bowie.net from now, would you please?

Jake: Yes, sir, Charlie@Bowie.net!

Charlie@Bowie.net: (makes classic dial-up internet noises with mouth)

Jake: (makes classic dial-up internet noises with mouth)

Early PC Computer Voice: On this 2000 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Jake:

Charlie: Whoa... Jake usually writes these semi-coherent ramblings, most of which don't really even make sense until after you've already listened to the episode, but it looks like he missed this one so I'm coming in at the last minute to throw something together. Unless, Jake, you want to take over?
Jake:
Charlie: Okay, well, Bowie released a deuce of sweet VHS tapes covering his 1987 Glass Spider tour that were later released on DVD. And he was involved in modern dance. What about Dylan?
Jake:

Charlie: Yeah, so I don't remember much about Dylan on this one... I think he did some pretty crappy stuff? Like a bad album probably? But then he also did The Traveling Wilburys, who were pretty ace so it balances out. I think we talked about making a Traveling Wilburys childrens' book series. It's a humorous portion of the podcast. Jake, any other thoughts?

Jake:

Charlie: You heard it here, folks. Listen in to a podcast that does actually feature both normal hosts, we swear, on the 1988 edition of Bowie Vs. Dylan.

Jake: Well, here we go with another totally normal, on-point, focused edition of Bowie vs. Dylan! What do you say, Chaz?

Chaz: I'd say that you've already gotten us off track by listing too many adjectives to describe how lean and mean this episode, which is live right now, is going to be. JAKE.

Jake: You're one to talk! You could have just said "lean", it's clear, but you just HAD to stick a rhyme scheme in that makes your statement neither lean NOR mean.

Chaz: Well, according to my calculations, before I even said anything, my Podcast Brevity Algorithm, PBA for short, patent pending, suggested that we were on track for a 61 minute episode, which as we've discussed at length, is unacceptable. But now that you've RUINED EVERYTHING ALREADY, we might as well delve into as many tangents as humanly possible, I mean, it's only natural.

Jake: You know, that reminds me of a time when I thought I was on a tangent, but I was actually talking about what I meant to talk about. The year was 2009 and I had just almost murdered a...crap, I forgot to press record again, we'll have to start over, we've been talking for 90 minutes with no podcast.

Chaz: I can't even look at you. I'm blocking your FaceTime video while I start this 1998 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan. (big sigh)...Okay, ladies and gentleman, IIIIII'M Charlie, and IIIIII like-

Jake: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!?!?!? Chaz, turn your FaceTime back on!!!

Chaz: I hate you so much! Wait, what? It's a topless man doing a strangely hypnotic dance full of odd moves and contortions! Where'd he even come from? How is he interrupting a podcast? And what's that written on his chest?

Jake: Looks like...BOWIE.NET BOMB?

Chaz: It's the future of the internet, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

The myriad choices for your preferred Super Deluxe Edition of this Bowie vs. Dylan Podcast 2014 have arrived by magic horseback, delivered by hand, by Bob Dylan and David Bowie! Aren't you thrilled? Check out all the special deviations and features, and pick your favorite to own, or your most favorite favorite, since you'll for sure want them all:

7 CDs, 14 LPs, 1 DVDs: Bowie looks suave as H, making you slightly uncomfortable to show the 70 page booklet of Hot Granddad Bowie photos to your Granddaughter. Dylan looks like his Vincent Price mustache has been poorly CGI'd right off his ancient yet eerily smooth face, making you equally uncomfortable in a totally different way to show the photos to your Granddaughter or anyone else really. Cost: $85

1 CDs, 1 LP, 14 DVDs: Whoops, we had found even MORE hand-written lyrics from Dylan's Basement Tapes years, and accidentally included the originals in this boxset. Those are practically priceless. Please send this one back! Cost: Priceless

0 CDs, 22 LPs, 0 DVDs: Jazz Covers Edition! Bowie records exactly one (1) jazz cover for inclusion, the remaining content are Dylan's efforts, totaling one thousand (1000) mellow, crooning contributions. Cost: $235

390 CDs, 0 LPs, 0 DVDs: 195 separate "Best Of" compilations for each of Bowie and Dylan's greatest contributions to music. 195 different chronological track listings each, 195 different orderings based on country where sold for each, 195 different hand-drawn album cover arts for each. 1 result: INCREDIBLE SUCCESS. Cost: $4290. Note: set cannot be broken up into individual compilations.

10 CDs, 10 LPs, 100 DVDs: This episode and this episode only re-enacted word for word in different podcasting styles by some of the biggest musical stars of the day never to be knocked from their cultural pedestal ever: Jim James! Elvis Costello! Taylor Goldsmith! Rhiannon Giddens! Marcus Mumford?! Producer: T-Bone Burnett. Listener: YOU. Cost: $1,000,000

0 CD's, 0 LP's, 0 DVD's: One (1) podcast broadcast for free ($0) via all of your favorite podcast platforms and players. Cost: $0

Myself and Chaz bought all of them, even the weird "priceless" one, so if you're any kind of fan you'll follow suit, just kidding, we love you, on this 2014 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Dye your horsehair red, dolled-up dogies, and join us for an olden yet futuristic romp with David Bowie and Bob Dylan through the year 1973! Meet your cast of characters:

David Bowie: I'm one of the biggest stars in the universe. Or STARdusts, IF you know what I mean!

Bob Dylan: Heeeey, me too! Except substitute the space metaphors for old west ones. Literally everyone on earth knows who I am in 1973, whether I like it or not, which I definitely don't.

Sam Peckinpah: I don't know who you are. Who is this kid? I mean, who is this Billy the Kid?

Kris Kristofferson: Sammy...what? It's my good friend Bobby! Ever since I swept up his commemorative one millionth cigarette butt in 1966, I've found him to be the most magnetic acting presence anyone's ever done laid eyes on!

Sam Peckinpah: That's patently untrue. But...as a young, hungry, up-and-coming musician, I guess he might have a future?

ColumBS Records Executives: Well, he did, Sam, he really did, he used to, we guess, until he disappointed us deeply by continuing to sell millions of records but not releasing super-classics every 5 months. I know! Let's release his worst album to convince him to stay on with us now that we kicked him to the curb but then he unexpectedly had a gigantic hit.

David Bowie's Outrageous Red Mullet: This is my time, baby!

Bob Dylan's Slightly Subdued Fro: This is my time to get shoved under a period-specific Stetson cowboy hat! Check me out again starting in the year 2000 and continuing until the end of time.

David Bowie's Fans: AAAAAAAAAGHGGHHGHGHGHHGHGH WE LOVE YOU ZIGGY WE BOUGHT ALL YOUR RECORDS!!!!

Bob Dylan's Family: AAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHHHHHGGHGHH, Mexico is hell for us.

The Spiders From Mars: Wait, what did David just say? Did we just get canned on stage in front of thousands of fans who definitely love us just as much if not more than David Bowie? He couldn't have just-

David Bowie: You're fired! Sorry, not sorry, mates, on this 1973 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.