Blueprints

Welcome to this episode of Blueprints, where Greg and Cody discuss how to talk to your kids about faith and doubt.

Listener Question:

• From: Amanda in Chicago, Illinois
• Timestamp: 4:58
• Question: "I'm a parent of two children, ages 8 and 10, and I'm struggling with how to approach faith with my kids. They have started expressing doubt and questioning the teachings they've grown up with. How can I encourage their spiritual growth without making them feel pressured or judged while still maintaining the core spiritual values I believe are important for their lives?"

The Goal: To help parents navigate their children's faith questions with understanding and without fear, ensuring that these inquiries are part of a healthy spiritual journey.

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • It's not our job to save our children; that's God's role. Our responsibility is to model genuine faith and allow God to work in their lives.
   • Emphasizing that questions and doubts are natural parts of a spiritual journey and can lead to deeper understanding and faith.
2. Biblical Inspiration:
   • Faith is described as a dynamic interaction initiated by God, with biblical figures like Abraham and Moses illustrating how personal struggles and doubts can lead to profound faith.
   • Discussion on how biblical stories teach us about the strength of faith that includes questioning and seeking.
3. What’s at Stake:
   • Ignoring or dismissing children's spiritual doubts can lead to disengagement from faith.
   • Encouraging open dialogue about faith and doubts can strengthen personal and family faith journeys.

Practical Steps for Cultivating Understanding and Openness in Faith:

1. Model Genuine Faith:
   • Share personal struggles and victories in faith transparently with children.
   • Demonstrate that faith can coexist with doubt and is not a pathway devoid of obstacles.
2. Foster a Safe Environment for Questions:
   • Encourage children to express their doubts and questions without fear of judgment.
   • Use questions as opportunities for joint exploration of faith, not just teaching moments.
3. Encourage Exploration and Curiosity:
   • Support children in seeking answers and understanding, showing that faith is not about having all the answers but about seeking truth with God's guidance.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "It's not your job to save them; it's God's job to save them."
• "Faith is not forced; if it's forced, then it's not real faith."

Greg and Cody’s Parenting Wins & Fails:

1. Greg’s Insight:
   • Shares a personal story of dealing with his son's straightforward approach to the Bible, illustrating the importance of adapting to children's evolving spiritual needs.
2. Cody’s Reflection:
   • Discusses how his initial resistance to family activities like puzzling turns into a metaphor for participating in messy but enriching family and faith dynamics.

Intro Timestamp: (00:00) - Cody discusses how assigning significant tasks to children can inspire them to take actions seriously, highlighting the connection between responsibility and the development of poise.

Listener Question:

• From: Lauren in Katy, Texas
• Timestamp: (06:00)
• Question: "How can I teach my children to interact pleasantly with adults and demonstrate poise in various situations? They sometimes act awkwardly, like staring or making strange noises instead of engaging normally."

The Goal: To help children develop poise, focusing on others-oriented behaviors rather than self-control, enabling them to handle various social situations gracefully.

Key Takeaways from the Episode:

1. The Big Idea:
   • Poise is not merely about self-control; it's about cultivating an others-focused approach, where children learn to consider the feelings and needs of others in their actions.
2. Biblical Insights:
   • Discussions on biblical teachings that support the development of poise, such as living a quiet life (1 Thessalonians) and understanding the appropriateness of actions (Ecclesiastes).
3. What’s at Stake:
   • Developing poise in children helps them navigate social settings effectively, enhancing their ability to show respect and consideration for others, which is essential for their spiritual and social growth.

Practical Steps for Cultivating Poise:

1. Model Poise and Consideration:
   • Parents should demonstrate how to behave appropriately in various settings, providing a living example for their children.
2. Teach Situational Awareness:
   • Explain the expectations and norms of different social settings to children beforehand, helping them understand how to act accordingly.
3. Encourage Reflective Learning:
   • Discuss and review past experiences with children to reinforce lessons learned and encourage better choices in the future.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "Poise helps our kids live an others-focused life."
• "Poise is a way to show others love because it is based on a deep awareness of what people need in that particular moment."

Greg and Cody’s Insights:

1. Greg's Reflection:
   • Shares a personal story of his own childhood and how understanding from a young age shaped his interactions and behavior in public.
2. Cody’s Experience:
   • Talks about how teaching his children to handle various public settings has been a progressive journey of learning and adjustment.

Timestamps for Key Sections:

• Introduction to Poise Discussion: (00:00)
• Listener Question and Response: (06:00)

This episode’s question comes from Emily in New Jersey:

Question:

"No matter how much I discipline my kids, they keep misbehaving. How do I get my kids to behave and do the right thing?"

The Goal:
Good behavior is not the ultimate goal of good parenting. While discipline is important, the true focus should be on shaping a child’s heart and identity, rather than just their actions.

Common Misconception:
Many parents fall into the trap of thinking good parenting means having well-behaved children. However, focusing solely on behavior risks teaching children that love is conditional.

Staying on Track in Parenting

1. Good Behavior is Not the Ultimate Goal:
   • Good behavior is important but not the most crucial outcome of parenting. Parenting is about guiding children in character development, not just behavior correction.
   • Discipline is essential, but it should be seen as a process of shaping children into the person God designed them to be.
2. Behavior and Love Shouldn’t Be Conditional:
   • When parents make behavior the ultimate goal, they unintentionally teach that love is earned through obedience. This results in children who either rebel or behave out of fear.
   • God’s love for us is not transactional, and our parenting should reflect that same covenantal love—unconditional and consistent, regardless of behavior.
3. Misbehavior is a Learning Opportunity:
   • Instead of viewing misbehavior as a failure, see it as an opportunity for growth and discipleship. It’s a chance to teach your child about their identity and potential.
   • Discipline the action, but affirm the child's identity, reminding them that they are loved and capable of more.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode

• "Good behavior is not the goal of good parenting."
• "Kids are really bad at being adults—and that’s okay."
• "Love is not conditional to obedience."
• "When we make behavior the main thing, we teach our kids that love is earned."
• "Parenting isn’t about behavior modification, it’s about identity shaping."

Key Points Takeaways:

• Behavior isn't everything. Good behavior is fine, but it's not the ultimate goal. Parenting is about shaping a child’s heart and character.
• Love must be unconditional. If we emphasize obedience over love, children may feel that they have to earn our love through good behavior, which is not the message we want to send.
• Focus on identity over actions. Use misbehavior as a teaching moment to guide children in becoming the people God designed them to be, rather than simply correcting their actions.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody challenge the common belief that good parenting equals good behavior. True parenting involves guiding children through love, identity, and discipleship—not just focusing on their actions.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com
Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com

This episode’s question comes from Ashley in San Diego: (3:43)

Question:
"I recently got upset at my child because they bluntly told me I was using my phone a lot. What can I do to make sure they'll continue to be open with me and share things in the future?"

The Goal:

Create an environment where kids feel safe and respected enough to be candid. This means encouraging kids to speak freely, even if what they share may feel hard to hear as a parent. When kids can express their feelings without fear, they learn to trust and build a more genuine, open relationship.

Common Misconception:

Many parents believe that allowing children to voice criticisms or frustrations is disrespectful. However, children who feel safe sharing their honest thoughts and frustrations with their parents are more likely to have strong relationships and confidence in the long run.

Staying on Track in Parenting:

1. Understanding True Candor:
   • Candor is giving kids the freedom to speak honestly to their parents, even about uncomfortable topics. When kids know they won’t be punished for sharing concerns, it strengthens trust and confidence.
   • Being candid helps kids learn boundaries respectfully while creating space for authentic relationships. God models this in the Bible, giving us the freedom to come to Him with our frustrations, doubts, and even complaints.
2. Hear It, Don’t Defend It:
   • Respond to your child’s comments calmly, without shutting them down, even if the initial reaction feels defensive. This shows them you value their feelings and opinion.
   • Practice patience and restraint when your child calls out something you may not even agree with. Encourage them to say more by asking, “What else are you feeling?” or, “What else would you like me to know?”
3. Encourage Regular Candor and Look for Growth Opportunities:
   • Seek out their thoughts when things are calm, even if nothing “big” is happening. A simple, “How am I doing as your parent?” can invite them to share safely.
   • The goal is consistent communication rather than focusing on “getting it right” every time. Over time, kids will see this as a safe pattern.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• “Kids need to tell you the hard things about yourself without fear of punishment.”
• “God doesn’t shut us down when we bring Him our hard questions—He wants to hear them.”
• “The more important thing isn’t that what they’re saying is fully right, but that they feel the freedom to say it.”
• “If our kids can’t be honest with us, we’ll never have a truly heart-connected relationship with them.”

Key Points Takeaways:

• Prioritize openness over correctness. Focus on making your kids feel safe in sharing thoughts over worrying about how accurate they are.
• Practice humble listening. Create a culture of honesty by giving your kids a voice and the assurance that what they say matters.
• Candor builds strong relationships. Candor done well will bring you closer and give you more insight into your child’s heart and mind.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody discuss the value of encouraging kids to speak freely, even when it means hearing uncomfortable truths. Using Ashley’s question as a springboard, they cover the importance of candor for building strong family relationships. In teaching kids to communicate honestly, parents model God’s willingness to listen to our questions, fears, and even complaints, creating a home culture where kids feel deeply valued.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com

Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com

• (00:00) - Intro
• (03:43) - Question, How do I encourage my kid to speak candidly and what do I do when they call me out on something?
• (03:57) - Discussion. How to teach kids to be candid and how to react well when your kid is candid.

This episode’s question comes from Eric in Billings, Montana:
Question:
"I see a lot of other parents pushing their kids really hard to succeed. Sometimes it feels too much. Am I hurting my kids by not pushing them hard enough?"

The Goal:

Winning or achieving success should not be the ultimate focus of parenting. Instead, the aim is to nurture children’s hearts and help them become whole, healthy individuals.

Common Misconception:

Many parents believe that their job is to ensure their kids achieve success, whether in sports, school, or life. But this pressure often teaches children that their worth is tied to performance, which can stifle their growth and lead to anxiety.

1. Winning is Not the Goal:
   • Winning or high achievement is not a measure of parental success. What matters more is raising children with character, joy, and resilience.
   • A shift from performance-based parenting to heart-centered parenting allows kids to thrive without fear of failure.
2. Love is Not Based on Success:
   • Emphasizing performance can inadvertently make kids feel that they need to earn their parents' approval. God's love is unconditional, and our parenting should reflect that.
   • Success-driven parenting risks building fragile identities that crumble when achievements fall short.
3. Failure is a Growth Opportunity:
   • Losing or falling short can be valuable teaching moments. These moments provide opportunities to build character, humility, and perseverance.
   • Instead of focusing on wins, focus on effort, attitude, and joy in the process—whether your child wins or loses.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "An emphasis on winning is a losing plan for parents."
• "God’s love is not based on merit, and neither should ours be."
• "Our kids are more than what they accomplish."
• "Winning might feel good, but it’s not the point—wholeness is."

Key Points Takeaways:

• Winning isn’t everything: Success isn’t the goal. Parenting should focus on shaping character, not chasing achievements.
• Love must be unconditional: Children need to know they are valued beyond their accomplishments.
• Embrace failure: Use moments of struggle as opportunities for growth. Value your child’s effort and attitude more than their outcome.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody challenge the idea that success defines good parenting. They explore how focusing on effort, joy, and character development—rather than chasing wins—leads to healthier children and relationships. Parenting, they argue, should reflect God’s unconditional love, freeing kids to grow without the fear of failure.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com

Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com