Bible Stories for Atheists

Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done... awkward. Also, don’t forget, they kept getting talked about even when they were “gone”.

Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 5,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 5,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with.

Apparently Jesus has to run off because he’s afraid people are going to “make him king by force”.

Look! On the sea! It’s a ghost! It’s a plane! No, it’s Jesusman! Jesus freaks the heck outta his disciples by walking on water out to them. In one of the gospels Peter goes out and walks with him. That is, until he hallucinates and starts seeing wind and he starts sinking like a rock upon which Jesus will build his church.

Y’all wanna eat some Jesus flesh? Drink some blood and eat some flesh? We’re not talking about satanic rituals, this is Jesus wanting you to indulge in his body. To be clear, we’re not talking about communion. He’s just straight up telling people to eat his flesh and drink his blood. For his flesh is real food and his blood is real drink. If you eat and drink of Jesus you will live forever. Cultish? Yes. Vampirish? Oh yes.

Was Jesus against washing your hands? Is hand washing the next hill to die on for anti-vaxxers? When people are like, “Hey, why are your disciples not washing their hands before they eat?” Jesus acts like hand washing is just a human rule, not a Jesus rule. Therefore Christians don’t have to eat kosher... apparently.

Jesus breaks into someone house to escape attention but ends up running into a woman of indeterminate origin who has a possessed daughter. He get’s pretty racist comparing her and all non-Jewish people to dogs.

Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 4,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 4,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with. (See, this is what it’s like reading two exact same stories with slightly different details)

Also, we find out Josh a math dyslexic. Just goes to show he really is made in the image of God.

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Don’t look it up. Let’s see how well you remember it. Try to complete this sentence, “Our Father, who art in heaven...”

Of all the commandments God handed down throughout the Old Testament, which is the greatest? Trick question! Two of them are the greatest! And Jesus breaks them down, or has them broken down for him, depending on which gospel you read.

The sisters Mary and Martha show up. In theory these would be the sisters of Lazarus, however he doesn’t seem to be around in this story. Hmmmm. We find out Jesus cares way less about getting some lunch than he does having a chick hang out at his feet basking in his glory. That doesn’t sound like a cult leader at all.

Unsure of how to pray? Do you get on your knees and say, “Well, now what?” Jesus to the rescue. Find out how Jesus says you should pray with two different versions of the same prayer.

Jesus tells us how to get bread from friends in the middle of the night. The secret is audacity. So, too, will God give you salvation. Not because he wants to. No. Because apparently he doesn’t. It’s your audacity that’ll do it.

Jesus doesn’t seem to understand how eyes and light works. Somehow that has to do with being greedy. Don’t ask me, I just write this stuff down. I don’t pretend to understand any of it.

And the pharisees get a real chewing out by Jesus. One version has him getting invited to a pharisee’s house and after dinner Jesus just goes off on the guy. Luckily nothing that Jesus calls out sounds anything like a lot of his followers today. Luckily those who so thoroughly believe this is real have been changed by their beliefs so they don’t flout their piety.

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What's up! We just wanted to check in for no particular reason whatsoever. Definitely doesn't have to do with the fist of christian nationalist fascism choking the puppy of democracy.
Where do we go from here? What role, if any, does this show have in the discussion? Does Josh's voice give you the naughty tingles? All these questions and more will be asked and answered and promptly forgotten.
Sources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_and_the_woman_taken_in_adultery

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You know that feeling when you're talking with 3 of your friends in poetic verse for a few days and then you find out there was another guy there the entire time? Job does.
This young guy, Elihu, apparently has been there this entire time and is pissed off at everybody. He goes on a rant and then disappears into the background again. Almost as if he was just an afterthought by the writer.
Then God finally addresses Job's complaints about killing his family, servants, and livestock by pointing out how much more powerful he is than Job. Thereby making killing everyone okay... I guess.
You know how powerful God is? Chapter 41 is dedicated to God making Godzilla (aka Leviathan). That's how powerful God is. So how could God do anything wrong?
Let's put this weird book to bed and move on with our lives!

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We wrap up our 4 part series on the book of Acts and hear all about Paul's retirement in Rome. But that's skipping ahead.
First off, the unchanging, infallible Holy Spirit kicks off this episode by changing their mind on Paul going to Jerusalem. But don't worry, Paul ignores it and there is no consequences.
Paul has to prove his Judaism to the Christians. If that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, you're right. But in doing so he ends up getting arrested for being harassed. I bet he got t-shirts made, "Paul Lives Matter".
He bounces around authority figures judging him and not finding anything wrong that he did, yet still keeping him imprisoned. Until Jesus tells him he needs to go to Rome and appeal to Caesar himself.
So Paul goes to Rome where he... wait for it... never actually sees Caesar. He just lives under house arrest for the rest of his life. I think the writer just kinda gave up on plot at this point.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for reading these stupid notes!

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