Authentic Men's Group podcast

Father’s 3 Virtues

Introduction

Here are some quotes about fathers made in AMG sessions:

• I never heard my dad tell me he loved me, ever.
• When I had a dream or a vision I had it dashed by my father.
• I began to measure up to my Dad when I made more money than he did.
• I don’t ever remember my dad and mother hugging.
• My dad only showed one emotion and that was anger.

There is a deep longing in all of us to connect with our fathers. Robert McGee in his book Father Hunger said it well:

“What better word than hunger can describe the sensation of wanting a father’s love. Indeed, the desire goes beyond mere want. It is truly a need. We don’t just want our fathers to love us; we need them to love us. This kind of emotional hunger acts in many ways just like physical hunger... Such hunger is a drive that must be met...”

The 3 V Approach

(Virtues, Values & Vulnerability)

With all of the cultural and societal change the challenges of parenting can be overwhelming. What does effective fathering look like today? Where does one find the answer to all of the alterations that have taken place in recent times? The answer comes back to history; long history, as in ancient history. The most enlightening directives for modern-day fatherhood come from that which is most enduring; the virtues, the values and the vulnerability demonstrated by those who went before us.

Virtues – Explaining and exemplifying positive virtues has a permanent impact no matter what the culture. Affirmative qualities like honesty, diligence, service, trust, forgiveness, honor, and respect; to name a few. The proclaiming and demonstrating the goodness of a life well-lived is something that fathers can give that will create the bedrock for the generations to follow.

Demonstrating a virtuous life encompasses five components of holistic health:

1. Social Goodness: To display to our children the value of being a good citizen provides security for them. Showing them how to look for the good in others and ways to do good for others is a foundation that will provide grounding for our kids.
2. Physical Health: To show our kids the importance of being healthful will prove to helpful to their holistic development and will give them stability. Being strong and healthy for the purpose of interacting and protecting those who are dear to us is a good example for those who follow us.
3. Intellectual Vigor: To let our kids know by showing them the importance of using our mind in a way that it is not shaped by others will provide a good basis for them. Demonstrating the adventure of finding out new things along with the learning and passing down of ancient truth will facilitate the endurance of intellectual health.
4. Emotional Freedom: Learning to express our emotions in healthy and constructive ways and leaving will grant a great heritage. Ending the message of ‘big boys don’t cry’ and replacing it with the communication that sensitivity to self and others is a good way to live now and in the future. To demonstrate to our kids the power of such emotions as peace and joy will give stability as will demonstrating support in the expression of their negative emotions.
5. Spiritual Well Being: To solicit the power of the human spirit by being in touch with The Divine will give great grounding to our kids. The teaching of the structures and standards of religious practice in their formative years is good practice. When they have the container of religion to hold truth when they are young they can learn to overflow the container with relationships when they are adults. Embracing inclusive and expansive spiritual practices is good stability for our descendants and the culture in which they will live.

Values – To know our value and show our kids theirs is a good way to create stability in the midst of changing times. This value places the character above performance. Letting our kids know of the positive character traits they possess invites them to apply these beneficial mannerisms to anything they set out to accomplish. As they know their core value they will know core values. The personal value expressed will provide corporate value experienced in both family life and society. The best way to teach those close to us their value is to know our own. We can’t teach what we don’t know. By knowing our positive character traits, strengths, and gifts we can help others identify their positive attributes.

Vulnerability – The humility of vulnerability gives stability. To be authentic and real is another way to demonstrate grounded-ness in the culture of change. It is important to show our essential truth demonstrated in everyday life. This shows up by being authentic with everyone and vulnerable with a select few. We not only tell the truth but also live the truth as we see it. We have no sec...

Rethinking Masculinity

General Outline:

1. Why toxic masculine norms need to be challenged and masculinity redefined.
2. What are toxic masculine norms
3. How AMG is challenging toxic masculine norms and redefining masculinity​.

Why Toxic Masculine Norms need to be challenged and Masculinity redefined.

There are multiple movements going on right now seeking much-needed equality from racial, feminists, and LQBTQ communities as well as many others. These movements are not exclusive to men. I dare say that as a society when we rethink what it means to be a man and challenge ingrained toxic masculine norms, huge strides will be made in these movements. This is not saying that men are the sole problem... so please do not misunderstand the point I am trying to introduce. I think healthy men and women are the solutions to the equality problem! And women are much more likely to seek health than men. I think the views that we as human beings hold towards masculinity are a big part of the problem. Author and advocate Liz Plank sums it up well when she writes, “... there is no greater threat to humankind than our current definition of masculinity.” With statistics showing that 80%% of suicides are male and 67.5% of the homeless population are male, I can’t help but see a huge need for men to have a place to be authentic. A place to ask for help without being shamed.

What are Toxic Masculine Norms

We as men and boys are socialized into conforming to a definition of masculinity that encourages being tough, showing no emotions outside of anger, and to be reliant solely on ourselves. Basically Toxic Masculine Norms are any definitions that we hold about what it means to be a man that keeps us from being authentic. If a boy hears the toxic masculine norm that “men don’t cry” enough times, they will likely hide their inevitable emotional problems as men when they grow up. These toxic beliefs leave most men emotionally stunted and aggressive. Another example is in how we treat teenagers. Toxic masculine norms tell us that it is a sign of masculinity if a son is wild in high school and has sex with multiple girls. We would stereotypically say “boys will be boys”. But in reverse, if a daughter is that way she is quickly labeled as a whore or loose. As fathers, we may tell our son that he is just like his old man and laugh. But if our daughter were to come home bragging about the same thing we are reaching for the gun to find the boys responsible. These toxic masculine norms not only hurt men but the ones we love too. Our partners... our kids... Society at large.

How AMG is challenging Toxic Masculine Norms and redefining masculinity

We want to have some honest and authentic conversation around what it means to be a man if we are to challenge these toxic masculine norms. AMG is where this is happening. AMG is a place where men can practice authenticity rather than being stoic and emotionless. We get to practice empathy rather than aggression or passiveness. And the best news is you won’t lose your “man card” if you do.

Conclusion

Society subtly teaches men toxic masculine norms that leave men hiding their emotions, going at life alone, and ultimately living a less fulfilled life. It is not only affecting men but the ones we love and society at large.

If you are a man, get with a safe group of other men where there can be an authentic discussion about these toxic masculine norms and how you are defining masculinity. If you are a woman listening to this podcast, first off thank you for listening and caring about the health of men! I want to encourage you to challenge toxic masculine norms when you hear them.

● Do you know of someone that is hurting or living a less than fulfilled life because they are trying to live up to a toxic and unrealistic definition of masculinity?

● What are some of the toxic masculine norms that you have heard?

● Have you ever had an authentic conversation with another man about what it means to be a man? Was it a healthy definition or did it have toxic masculine norms?

Men are hiding in one of two places, they are either hiding from success or hiding in success. Most men hide from success by just staying away from it and flying below radar. In this way their failures or perceived failures will never be seen. The other type of hider, are the men that hide in their success. These men though fewer in number have a far more elaborate way of hiding. They achieve more, accomplish more and collect more than their average male counterpart but still have the same problem. Despite being high achievers and even experts in their field these men can’t seem to get beyond the feeling that if they were really found out they would be considered imposters. They feel like frauds. They are highly capable males being plagued by nagging self- doubt.

The insecurities of achieving men are often reinforced in their close relationships. They experience this when their wives or children treat them with disrespect. Despite the external evidence of their competence, these successful men remain convinced that they do not deserve success. For these high achievers here are some suggestions:

5 Ways To Authentically Embrace Our Failures

1. Move beyond personal and relational failures recognizing them as just steps to personal and relational success.
2. Talk about shame openly. The more you talk about shame the less you have it.
3. Know yourself to be good and live that out.
4. Acknowledge your personal value above your performance. Describe yourself by your character traits not by your accomplishments.
5. Develop and use a trusted support group.

Men are finding their true value through AMG groups. Here they acknowledge that they may be imperfect but they don’t have to live as imposters. By acknowledging their personal shame but more importantly their personal value they are living with authentic success in life and relationship.