Art Sistory

Have you ever seen an artist that is all BALLS and no SH*T? That's Tintoretto, the nastiest boy in the best way. His art is quick, cheap, and bitchy. It's everything you could ever want in an artist. That is unless, you are one of his many rivals! Come with us as we tell the tale of the nastiest boy who ever was and how this little dirt child started at the bottom and now he here.

Wow. We love Goya. From his bad paintings to his charming smile to his general lumpiness. And we aren't the only ladies who loved a little Goya in their lives. Join us as we talk about the two potential hotties who posed for his infamously sexy La Maja Vestida (1805) and La Maja Desnuda (1800). Plus some discussion of a few perverts, secret love affairs, and the Spanish Inquisition for good measure.

Have you ever seen a painting and thought, "what"? Well, that's exactly how you should feel when face to face with the most WTF paintings in the Louvre, Gabrielle d'Estrées and One of her Sisters (1594). But fear not! Because in a landslide collaboration between two badass art podcasts, Kieve Rodeheaver of Please Touch the Art Podcast, is here to tell us all about this hot lady, her scandalous dealings with the devil, and why the hell she's getting her nipple pinched.

It is the puzzle that stumps all art historians. The enigma painting. The truly inscrutable masterpiece. It is Las Meninas (1656) by Diego Velazquez. What is going on in this ding dang thing!? Art historians have been debating that for centuries. We might never know. But one thing we do know for sure? Velazquez is very good at painting. And this just might be the best painting ever painted.

*Attention! This episode has discussions of gore and executions. Skip the below timecodes if needed**

This week we got nasty! Well, mostly Danni. She became compelled to tell the frightful story of James Scott and his horrible portrait that hangs in London's National Gallery. Now London has a long and varied history of death and disgust but Danni may have found the worst of the bunch! This one gets bloody. And we are all sorry.

24:22 - 27:53 talk regarding executioners (little gore discussed)

27:53 - 29:52 brief discussion of first botched execution (some gore)

29:52 - 33:50 in depth discussion of James Scott’s execution and post-mortem portrait painting, warning! (very gory)

We are in Victorian England! And there's nothing the Victorians loved more than a scandal. And John Everett Millais was an expert at getting wrapped up in them. Yes, his painting, Christ in the House of his Parents (1849), was so shocking that Charles Dickens denounced it publicly. But that's child's play for Millais. The real juice comes from his wife, Effie Gray, and her salaciously non salacious marital status.

Our good friend and french art history buff, Hadley Leary, sent us on a mission to find the one, the only, Élisabeth Louise Vigée Le Brun and her painting, Peace Bringing Back Abundance (1780). This painting was Le Brun's slap to the patriarchy! Her karate chop to the systemized oppression! And her refusal to be pinned down as just one kind of painter. She is a fireball of feminist excellence (and also maybe possibly definitely had a lesbian affair with Marie Antoinette).

What is it about her? Her knowing gaze? Those bald brows? That subtle smile? There is something about the Mona Lisa (1503) that makes everybody go gaga! Kings were poopin' with it! Boys were throwing themselves off buildings for it! And the French police were accusing Picasso of stealing it! What is the story behind this enigmatic lady and what Da Vinci code secrets could she be concealing?

We've made it to Paris and it's got the key to our heart. This town also got more art than any town has the right to have. And out of all the masterpieces upon masterpieces at the Louvre we found the greatest one of all: The Venus de Milo. Is it because of her beauty? Her grace? Her rarity? Her importance? Of course not! It's because some 100 year old French marketing campaign said it was the best and we all believed it! Come with us and find out why the Venus de Milo stands on a bed of lies rather than the plinth she was discovered with.

It's a spectacle. It's a popularity contest. It's a fun fair. It's a nightmare. Welcome to the 58th Venice Biennale! It's the art olympics where countries compete to be most... something. And Danni is here to sift through the garbage for you! And what has she found? Oh! More garbage! (In the form of the Biennale's Gold Lion winner, Jimmie Durham)