Apocrypals

"Look, you scoffers, marvel and vanish away, because I am doing a work in your days, a work that you will never believe, even if someone were to explain it to you." — Acts 13:41

Chris and Benito begin their Biblical journey with the sequel to the Gospels. The Holy Ghost Awakens as Peter proves to be pretty hard-line about communism, Paul goes a little too hard in the paint, and we meet our first favorite character in the Book.

Topics of discussion: Holy Week breakdown, Theophilus and the #squad, Judas exploding, St. Christopher (a werewolf), Pentecost, Ananias and Saphira vs. Full Socialism, Simon Magus, 12 dudes with like four names between them, the Party Dude of the Book of Acts, Snake Church, the two main dudes of the Bible.

Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine.

No, really. That's what the movie is about.

Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire and Danhausen, Benito: a lonely fan of corn, a bonus review of Journey to Hell (2022), Vegeta's cool shirt, approved uses of oils, puppet ministries, Nick's Mom/Atom Bomb, the purple box as metaphor, the Jared Leto of Christian Horror, the most adult magazines, The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy... Again!, a second "What the Frick?"

Hymnal: "Monster Smash" By Altégo

Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.)

Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel

Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New Bible Drop; Forbidden coneys; the 36th Chamber of Qabalah; The messiah’s hype man; Sixty pages on three words; The art of harmonisation; Pugilists of faith; Schrodinger’s Gnosticism; Running for the deep, mystical border; God’s Hulk (complimentary); The hedge against cultural imperialism; The Twelve (derogatory).

Hymnal: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel

Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we can't stay up drinking like we used to do... forever. This is one of the many strange things we learn in our set of three dubiously Johannine Apocalypses brought to us by New Testament Apocrypha Vol. 2, brought to us by translators Rick Brannan, Rebecca Draughon, Jeannie Sellick, Janet E. Spittler, Chance E. Bonar, Tony Burke, and Slavomir Čéplö. Join us as we learn about the church's many metaphorical body parts and witness a world-shattering kick from an angel. Plus: a truly wonderful etymology.

Topics of Discussion: (Heavy Sigh) the weather, JesusFAQS, a joke for the olds, our Obama-Era Bodies, concerns about Benjamin Harrison's corpse, candles (to smell), blue scents, seals (the boring kind), vegetable-based signs of Armageddon, a comprehensive physical description of the Antichrist, the Regulation of John, a large rock and a quick debate about terminal velocity, the Seven-Mouthed Pit of Punishment, Lord Fallsworth, Lord Fairfax, Righteous John and Just John, candles (to eat).

Hymnal: "River Deep, Mountain High" by Tina Turner, "Edge of Glory," by Jonatas Andrade (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf7gfrO6HfG8d_Ti5fCrchA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch, one of two prophets that God liked so much that he brought him directly to Heaven to hang out with a bunch of on fire eye wheels for 3,000 years before anyone else got there. And yes, this is definitely Heaven. It's absolutely, definitely Heaven. Trust us, it's all completely normal Bible stuff.

Topics of discussion: the Portal of Hubris, Ten-Pound Necktie, Big Boi Bible, in-car worship service, Enochian: The Language of the Angels, the Ophanim Clarence, Willy Wonka nonsense, DewBox, Chalky Dry, a special appearance from The G.O.A.T., the secret Tenth Heaven, Todd McFarlane's Book of Enoch, the four things that make up history, Ultimate Genesis, planetary hours, icing bros in the seventh generation of man, Benito basically calling Chris a clown to his face even though he can't even remember what Batman says in Batman Begins, double evil, the confirmed existence of Dog Heaven, speculation about Rancho Heaven, the Exaltation of Melchizedek which is somehow even weirder than the rest of the boo.

Hymnal: "The Boys are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy, "Gimme Gimme Gimme" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45), "Under Pressure" by Tom Scharpling, Queen, and David Bowie (thebestshow.net)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals