19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TELEGRAM TO SATAN!

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey

Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?"

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A Telegram ...to Satan!

Cast:

Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room

REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight.

REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting?

REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor...

REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair?

Scene 2.

CHIEF Shut the door.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO Where's Leona?

CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first... just the two of us.

THEO [a little worried] Yeah?

CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo...

THEO [starting to panic] Uh...

CHIEF You seeing anyone right now?

THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news.

CHIEF I know the feeling.

THEO Uh...!

CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart.

THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here?

CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night?

THEO Uh... Uh... I ...

CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get.

THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night.

CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida.

THEO Who?

CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO Dickman?

DICKMAN Yeah.

THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business.

DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here.

THEO Oh. Is that good?

CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Oh.

SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN

THEO Leona--? She left.

CHIEF Musta forgot something.

DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something.

THEO Should I ...go?

CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you.

DICKMAN I hope you have something good.

CHIEF Oh, are you staying?

DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying.

MUSIC

Scene 3.

AMB ROOF

SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING

THEO [off] Leona?

LEONA Are you alone?

THEO Uh, yeah.

LEONA Come on up, then.

THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it?

LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke.

THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment.

LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of?

THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone?

LEONA [sigh] I'll come down.

MUSIC

Scene 4.

SOUND IN CAR

LEONA What's the story?

THEO I was about to ask you the same thing.

LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get.

THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive.

LEONA And Dickman?

THEO No. He's got a story of his own.

LEONA Which is?

THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer.

LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts.

THEO Well, it's actually--

LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost.

THEO Sounds like you have a history.

LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum.

THEO Huh?

LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama.

MUSIC

Scene 5.

AMB FARM

LEONA Bucolic.

THEO I've never been on a farm before!

LEONA I'...