19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TELEGRAM TO SATAN!

11/17/22 • 29 min

1 Listener

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey

Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************

A Telegram ...to Satan!

Cast:

Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room

REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight.

REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting?

REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor...

REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair?

Scene 2.

CHIEF Shut the door.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO Where's Leona?

CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first... just the two of us.

THEO [a little worried] Yeah?

CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo...

THEO [starting to panic] Uh...

CHIEF You seeing anyone right now?

THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news.

CHIEF I know the feeling.

THEO Uh...!

CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart.

THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here?

CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night?

THEO Uh... Uh... I ...

CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get.

THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night.

CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida.

THEO Who?

CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO Dickman?

DICKMAN Yeah.

THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business.

DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here.

THEO Oh. Is that good?

CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Oh.

SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN

THEO Leona--? She left.

CHIEF Musta forgot something.

DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something.

THEO Should I ...go?

CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you.

DICKMAN I hope you have something good.

CHIEF Oh, are you staying?

DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying.

MUSIC

Scene 3.

AMB ROOF

SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING

THEO [off] Leona?

LEONA Are you alone?

THEO Uh, yeah.

LEONA Come on up, then.

THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it?

LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke.

THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment.

LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of?

THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone?

LEONA [sigh] I'll come down.

MUSIC

Scene 4.

SOUND IN CAR

LEONA What's the story?

THEO I was about to ask you the same thing.

LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get.

THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive.

LEONA And Dickman?

THEO No. He's got a story of his own.

LEONA Which is?

THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer.

LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts.

THEO Well, it's actually--

LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost.

THEO Sounds like you have a history.

LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum.

THEO Huh?

LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama.

MUSIC

Scene 5.

AMB FARM

LEONA Bucolic.

THEO I've never been on a farm before!

LEONA I'...

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle.

Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson

Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?"

********************************************************************

A Telegram ...to Satan!

Cast:

Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?

MUSIC

Scene 1.

SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room

REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight.

REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting?

REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor...

REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair?

Scene 2.

CHIEF Shut the door.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO Where's Leona?

CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first... just the two of us.

THEO [a little worried] Yeah?

CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo...

THEO [starting to panic] Uh...

CHIEF You seeing anyone right now?

THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news.

CHIEF I know the feeling.

THEO Uh...!

CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart.

THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here?

CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night?

THEO Uh... Uh... I ...

CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get.

THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night.

CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida.

THEO Who?

CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

THEO Dickman?

DICKMAN Yeah.

THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona.

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business.

DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here.

THEO Oh. Is that good?

CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Oh.

SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN

THEO Leona--? She left.

CHIEF Musta forgot something.

DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something.

THEO Should I ...go?

CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you.

DICKMAN I hope you have something good.

CHIEF Oh, are you staying?

DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying.

MUSIC

Scene 3.

AMB ROOF

SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING

THEO [off] Leona?

LEONA Are you alone?

THEO Uh, yeah.

LEONA Come on up, then.

THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it?

LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke.

THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment.

LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of?

THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone?

LEONA [sigh] I'll come down.

MUSIC

Scene 4.

SOUND IN CAR

LEONA What's the story?

THEO I was about to ask you the same thing.

LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get.

THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive.

LEONA And Dickman?

THEO No. He's got a story of his own.

LEONA Which is?

THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer.

LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts.

THEO Well, it's actually--

LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost.

THEO Sounds like you have a history.

LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum.

THEO Huh?

LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama.

MUSIC

Scene 5.

AMB FARM

LEONA Bucolic.

THEO I've never been on a farm before!

LEONA I'...

Previous Episode

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue episode of the week: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY DALI?

1 Recommendations

Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!)

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz

Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?"

****************************************************************************

Whatever Happened to Baby Dali?

Cast:

[Opening credits - Olivia]

Chief

Theo "Smoothie" Walsh

Leona Pope

Dali 1

Other Dalis

Melody

Harmony

Waitress

Larry

Four Reporters

OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1

SOUND bullpen

REPORTER 1 So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER.

REPORTER 2 Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to--

REPORTER 3 Fourteen people just vanished? Were you on any mind-altering substances?

REPORTER 4 Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word--

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

THEO Chief? I - uh-- [breaks off in horror]

SOUND RUSTLE OF TAFFETA

CHIEF Whaddaya think?

THEO [freaked out] Are you... getting married? [squeak] In white?

LEONA [quiet] Are you really asking?

THEO Uh--

CHIEF Nah - scared ya didn't I?

THEO Uh--

CHIEF Don't worry. I'm still eligible.

THEO Uh--?

LEONA Back away. Don't take your eyes off her.

CHIEF Whaddaya think? It's a little tight in the gut. Gonna have to cut some of them carbs.

THEO [trying] Yeah. That would do it.

CHIEF At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless. Hey, where you going?

THEO Uh--!

LEONA Eager to get to work. You know these young pups.

CHIEF Good attitude. Interview room 3.

THEO Oh, good!

LEONA [side of her mouth] Quick.

SCENE 2

SOUND DOOR SHUTS

THEO what was that?

LEONA It's June.

THEO And?

LEONA Happens about this time every year.

THEO Why?

LEONA Bridal feature pull-out? I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask! [commanding] Room 3.

THEO Oh, right.

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA You go first.

THEO Right. [a beat] Holy cow! It's her!

LEONA Chief doesn't move that fast. Especially in a train.

THEO No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it?

DALI 1 Is it safe here?

THEO Why does everyone ask that?

LEONA Who does he think you are?

DALI 1 I'm - I'm Baby Dali.

THEO I knew it! I love your music.

LEONA We don't do publicity stunts. C'mon, Smoothie.

SOUND HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS

THEO We don't?

LEONA Of course we do. When we arrange them. Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity.

THEO Oh. But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days!

LEONA Probably in rehab.

THEO No! No one knows where she's been! If we could break the story--

SCENE 3

LARRY Hey! You'll never guess who I just took a call from!

THEO Ratboy?

LEONA State mental health board?

LARRY [gloating] Baby Dali. She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story!

THEO Wait, but she--

SOUND SLAP

LEONA [covering] When did she call?

LARRY Just now.

THEO Where did she say she was?

LARRY Hah! No way. This is MY scoop! [running away, laughing] My ticket out of the bullpen! [stops, turns back] Hah!

THEO That's ... sad.

LEONA Yeah. Send a stripper. Come on.

THEO Where are we going?

LEONA [exasperated] Room 3?

THEO Aha!

SCENE 4

SOUND DOOR OPENS

LEONA Sorry about that. Had to do some quick fact checking.

THEO Yeah! Make sure you're really.... [melting] Really her.

DALI 1 Precisely the problem! Proving I'm her! I mean me.

LEONA [muttered prompt] Oh?

THEO [gasp] Oh?

...

Next Episode

Quail Seed (adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Saki) 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week!

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy)

Quail Seed

A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!]

Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson

Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.

Quail Seed

Cast:

Announcer

Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper

Jimmy, Assistant

Lucy, Jimmy's girl

Boy

Man/Beard

Miss Fritten

Mrs. Greyes

Mrs. Gordon

Miss Jones

Miss Smith

Gloria

Mrs. Lipping

SAKI OPENING

MUSIC

SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS

LUCY Hello? Helloooo?

JIMMY [close] Morning, Lucy!

LUCY [startled gasp] Jimmy! There you are. Bit... empty in here, isn’t it?

JIMMY [heavy sigh] A bit.

LUCY But where are all the Christmas shoppers?

JIMMY Shh! Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick. You'll quite set him off.

LUCY Oh!

JIMMY It's all right, he's out at the moment.

LUCY [impressed] He left you in charge?

JIMMY [heavy sigh, morose] Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services.

LUCY That bad, eh?

JIMMY Quite.

SOUND DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS

Miss Smith Hello?

SOUND QUICK STEPS

JIMMY Yes? How may I assist you?

Miss Smith [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable? I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off]

JIMMY Sorry. Clean out. Perhaps next week.

MISS Smith Ah. Thank you.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR

LUCY You might have made a sale!

JIMMY She just wanted to look.

LUCY You don't know that.

JIMMY [bitter admission] She's the fourth today. Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience--

SOUND DOOR BELL

MISS Jones Hello?

JIMMY ...and that's five.

MUSIC

SOUND PUB

SCARRICK The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses.

SOUND POURING DRINK

SCARRICK These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what.

BOY [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects.

SCARRICK And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes.

MAN Seems like quite a trip for sugar.

SCARRICK With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves. In fact, I've left him in charge. I've never done that before.

BOY I'm sure he'll be fine.

SCARRICK [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too. I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas.

MAN [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm?

MUSIC

SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL

MRS. GREYES --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do?

MISS FRITTEN We shall simply wait for the next--

SCARRICK May I help you ladies?

MRS. GREYES Oh! [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about--

MISS FRITTEN Bootlaces.

MRS. GREYES Bootlaces! Yes! I've been in dire need of some--

SCARRICK [hearty] Of course. Over on the left wall, near the back.

MRS. GREYES Of course. [whispering] You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here! Bootlaces indeed. I already have more laces than boots!

MISS FRITTEN At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to--

MRS. GREYES Shh!

SCARRICK Finding everything?

MRS. GREYES Oh, yes. This is the best ... um... anchovy paste. Just what I was looking for.

MISS FRITTEN Just lovely!

SCARRICK Perhaps you ladies could help me. I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop.

MRS. GREYES Oh?

SCARRICK I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of '...