Good Girls Talk About Sex

Leah joins Danielle of Marriage & Martinis to talk about why Danielle's conversation with her husband about intimacy and pleasure was explosive and chaotic.

Leah breaks down what we need to remember during these very tough conversations: we’ve been conditioned differently from the time we’re very young, and are often simply adhering to the roles we’ve been instructed to fulfill. They talk about why we can’t always trust our bodies’ physical responses during intimacy, games that can be played in lieu of telling our partner, “we’re not satisfied” as means to get a similar message across, and so much more.

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Listen to the original "Awakening the sex talk demons" episode of Marriage & Martinis - https://www.marriageandmartinis.com/podcast/episode/8aa167f2/awakening-the-sex-talk-demons

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Shasta is a 45-year-old, cis-gender woman who describes herself as Canadian First Nation/Cree, heterosexual, monogamous, and married to her husband who she has been with for 20 years.

Major themes in this episode include

• balance of power in heterosexual relationships,
• bedroom boredom in a long-term relationship, and
• working to heal childhood issues as an adult

You can find Shasta online at www.ShastaTownsend.com. Her book, Happy, Sexy, Shameless – What Our Mother’s Didn’t Know About the Birds and the Bees, is available at Amazon.

Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:

• 5:30 – Her first memory of sexual pleasure, masturbating at age 4
• 8:00 – The challenge of overcoming staleness in the marriage bed
• 9:30 – Rediscovering masturbation as an adult
• 10:30 – Encountering shame and childhood trauma when her husband requested new sexual explorations
• 12:45 – What she learned as a child about being a “good girl”
• 15:00 – The messages we hear about being a smart and outspoken female
• 17:00 – Using sexual dominance as a protective measure, sexual prowess as power over men
• 21:00 – The cultural balance in wanting men to pursue women and ask for things vs. men being perceived as aggressive/entitled
• 25:00 – Shasta’s experience with body image—being the “smart one” but also flaunting/accentuating what you have
• 32:00 – Trying new things with her husband to break barriers around shame and stories

The Lowdown (34:40):

• What kind of touch do you enjoy most?
• What is something sexual you’ve done that you never want to do again?
• Do you have hair down there or are you bare?
• Have you ever had a threesome or more?
• Have you ever had public sex?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

• At the $5/month level, Shasta talks more about her First Nation/Indigenous background and what it was like to grow up as a mixed race child in Canada. She also talks about the messages she heard about being a “good girl.”
• At the $7/month level, that conversation plus the extended Q&A
• At the $10/month level, all that plus a monthly Ask Me Anything!

Learn more and become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

If you like this show, please leave a rating and review at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-girls-talk-about-sex/id1436501617?mt=2.

Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest and let me know that you’re interested. I’d love to talk with you!

To learn about Sexual Communication Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music by – Nazar Rybak

Jillian offers us a glimpse into a story that I am intimately familiar with. It’s the story of having huge blank spots in your memory along with an aversion to sex. There’s nothing specific to grab on to so you can say, “This is what happened,” but it’s obvious that something happened.

I usually sit back and let the guests tell their story, but in this instance, Jillian is actively searching for answers and for healing. So in this episode, you’ll hear us doing a bit of exploration and coaching. I offer her a couple of exercises. If her story mirrors your own, you may want to try these exercises as well. Or send me an email and I’ll be happy to offer you some other resources.

Jillian says in this interview that she wanted to share her story so that anyone else out there going through something similar will know that they’re not alone. And I echo that. If you listen to this podcast because you have difficulty with sex and are looking for a way forward, you are not alone. You are welcome here. And I will be happy to talk with you whenever you are ready.

Jillian is a 49-year-old, cis-gender female who describes herself as white, heterosexual, monogamous and married.

Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:

• 6:25 - Jillian is unable to remember her first experience of sexual pleasure and still doesn’t feel pleasure.
• 7:50 – When a boy in kindergarten touched her
• 9:10 – Jillian has memory gaps, though she has narrowed it down to ages 5-8 where “something” happened that caused her fear of and aversion to sexual touch
• 11:20 - She starts therapy at the request of her husband after an intense outburst of seemingly displaced trauma response.
• 12:20 - She tries hypnosis to access memory. She also asks her mother for information about her childhood and is shut down.
• 16:45 - She meets her future husband to whom she is attracted and despite/because of fear/aversion moves very quickly into sex.
• 17:40 - Leah talks about impact of being sexualized at a young age, affecting one’s ability to determine readiness and how it should fit into a relationship.
• 20:00 - She talks about the emotional energy it takes to not only fake enjoying sex, but to fake feeling happy or content.
• 21:20 - Her husband intuits she’s acting like everything is ok when it’s not.
• 22:40 - Where her mind goes during sex—fantasy, and sometimes about not being treated well. Or just being anxious to get the sex act over with while thinking she owes him pleasure, doing it for his sake. (**Follow up of how BDSM and ravishment play can be therapeutic.)
• 30:12 - Pregnancy and childbirth bring up new fears and aversions, particularly around breastfeeding.
• 31:45 - She finds faith and prayer to be a better and more effective tack at present than therapy for resolving trauma and pain.
• 33:15 - She still does not enjoy sex but can participate without revulsion about once a month.
• 36:40 - Leah leads a conversation/coaching about how to focus on intimate touch that is enjoyable but without genital touch and penetration.
• 40:10 - She’s just now trying masturbation and self-exploration to see if she can experience pleasure, using an external vibrator.
• 42:25 - Leah coaches how to bring the vibrator into the partnered sexual experience.

Resources mentioned:

• My favorite internal/external vibrator - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MRYF9TD/
• Slim/beginner vibrator (please note – I have not used this particular vibrator, so this is not a recommendation, but rather an example) - https://www.amazon.com/SlimCharger-Rechargeable-Slender-Moving-Bullet
• My favorite lube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_Ok69EI-ks

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

• At the $5/month level, Jillian’s abortion and subsequent breakup with her first boyfriend
• At the $7/month level, that conversation plus the extended Q&A

FACEBOOK GROUP: www.facebook.com/groups/goodgirlstalk

CALL-IN: Want to leave a message for Leah? Call 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739)

PATREON: Become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

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