Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship

Episode #85: "The more the merrier" is a common expression for good reason. Most of us don't want to be considered exclusive. We want others to feel welcomed and comfortable around us. But there are times when the more the merrier is not the case-- when the group dynamics for a particular event won't work if everyone comes along.

In episode 85, I have a tough conversation with Danielle Bayard Jackson, an incredibly clear-thinking friendship coach and national speaker on the topic of female friendships.

Danielle's viral TikTok and viral Instagram post on "Reasons Why You (Possibly) Weren't Invited" caught my attention. She gave examples in those videos I know I have done myself (cringe) and things I've thought, but have been too scared to say on my podcast or in my own writing about friendship.

I needed Danielle by my side to have this conversation about why we and others are sometimes not invited. And I'm glad I shared some of own insecurities and pet peeves, even though the topic gave me a stomachache when we spoke and still does posting it for others to hear.

Meet Danielle:

Danielle Bayard Jackson is a female friendship coach and educator who speaks nationally on the subject of friendship as a wellness imperative. Her coaching business, Friend Forward, is dedicated to teaching women how to create and maintain better female friendships. Danielle’s expertise has been featured in NBC News, Psychology Today, Wall Street Journal, Oprah Magazine, and many other outlets. She shares her insight weekly on The Friend Forward Podcast and has a book coming out in spring 2024 called Fighting For Our Friendships. Danielle is the official spokesperson for Bumble’s new app Bumble For Friends.

Personal IG - @daniellebayardjackson. Friend Forward IG - @friendforward

TikTok - @thefriendshipexpert Twitter - @DBayardJackson

Let's connect over all things friendship!

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• Dear Nina website with show notes and a guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

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Episode #97: Invisible disabilities can turn into a source of shame and unknowingly get in the way of friendships. What is an invisible disability? It's any condition that is not obvious, perhaps even to the closest of friends. Some examples are depression, anxiety, other mental health diagnoses, as well as physical conditions such as chronic pain, fatigue, and too many other examples to list where symptoms are felt but not seen.

This week's guest, Estelle Erasmus, shares her experience with genetic hearing loss that began in her 20s and stayed a secret long after she started wearing hearing aids. In her piece for Shondaland.com, "I'm Learning to Listen in New Ways" Estelle shares the stress of keeping that secret from friends and the deep relief of telling the truth. I'm grateful to share her perspective with Dear Nina listeners.

Meet Estelle:

Estelle Erasmus, author of Writing That Gets Noticed: Find Your Voice, Become a Better Storyteller, Get Published (June 2023), is a professor of writing at NYU, the host of the Freelance Writing Direct podcast, and a contributing editor for Writer's Digest. She has appeared on Good Morning America and has had her articles discussed on The View. She received the 2023 NYU School of Professional Studies Teaching Excellence Award, a 2023 Zibby Award for Best Book for the Writer, is in Poets & Writers “Best Books for Writers”, and is an American Society of Journalists and Authors award winner. Learn more at www.EstelleSErasmus.com (and receive a free pitching guide). Also, follow Estelle on Instagram, TikTok, and X, and sign up for her Substack of craft advice, stories and opportunities at estelleserasmus.substack.com

Let's connect over all things friendship!

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• Dear Nina website with show notes and a guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Episode #92: For anyone who has been hurt by a friend--or a group of friends--recently or in the past, this 14-minute episode is for you. It's a solo episode that came from my reaction to a TikTok video I saw by a woman who was left out of a group trip years ago and has decided she will never trust anyone with her friendship again.

Other titles I considered: (and all relate to this 14-minute episode!)

• Not All Women Are Vicious
• Don’t Let Being Left Out Dictate Your Future Friendships
• Don't Overly Focus on the Friends Who Rejected You
• You (and your kids) Will Survive Being Left Out
• There is a Natural Drifting From Friends at Each Age and Stage of Life

In other words, I covered all of the above in this one.

LINKS MENTIONED:

• The TikTok video I’m reacting to in this episode
• “Why Big Friend Groups Often Fail and Helping Kids Handle Friendship Conflict” with Dr. Lisa Damour
• “I’m Just Not Into This Friendship” with Ruchi Koval
• “Friends Will Hang Out Without You” with Taryn Kessel
• “Difficult Teen Friendships and Parent Involvement” with Stephanie Sprenger
• “Every Friendship Starts or Deepens With an Act of Bravery” with Amy Weatherly and Jess Johnston

QUOTES FROM THE EPISODE:

"There's so much focus on who wasn't interested, who drifted away, who left, who left you out, who left your kid out. Let's focus on who said yes. That is where our energy should be.”

“I don't think it's a good idea to ‘normalize,' to use an extremely overused word on the internet, turning our lives upside down when friends do things without us. If we're going to normalize anything, let's normalize that friends WILL hang out without us. Just like we sometimes want to hang out in smaller groups or with just one or two people.

Let's connect over all things friendship!

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• Dear Nina website with show notes and a guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Episode 58: The value of poker, mahjong, and other games for making friends and getting closer with the friends you already have.

I’m a longtime fan today's guest, author and podcaster, Mark Oppenheimer, who spoke with me about the value of participating in a regular game with friends. In Mark's case, he has a longstanding poker game. I talked about mahjong. Bridge was a big part of my parents' social lives. There is something about a game with a regular group of players that is different from other ways we get together with friends. I'm excited that Mark, who recently wrote about his poker group, is here to talk about this topic with me.

And Mark’s next major book project is one I cannot wait to read. Judy Blume chose him to write her official biography. The story of how that came to be is in our episode. It’s a sweet friendship story—don’t miss it!
Show notes are HERE.
Meet Mark Oppenheimer

Mark Oppenheimer is head of open learning at American Jewish University. He received his Ph.D. in religious studies from Yale, covered religion for The New York Times for six years, has taught at Yale, NYU, Wellesley, and Stanford, and is the author of five books, most recently Squirrel Hill: The Tree of Life Synagogue Shooting and the Soul of a Neighborhood. He created the most downloaded American Jewish podcast ever, Unorthodox, with 7 million listens from 2015-2023, and also wrote and hosted Gatecrashers, a podcast about the history of Jews in the Ivy League. He is now writing the definitive biography of Judy Blume. He lives in Connecticut with his wife, five children, and two dogs.
Topics We Covered:

• Para-social friendships (I was in one with Mark until this episode. But now we might be friends!)
• How Mark became Judy Blume’s official biographer
• Mark’s piece for his Substack, Oppenheimer, titled “Men Playing Poker: A Manifesto”
• Why men might be attracted to poker
• The special ritual of getting together for a game with friends
• The importance of spending time with friends in-person, on a regular basis.
• The joy of mahjong
• What happened to bridge?
• Chess
• Why my reading list is 90% female writers
• Why we both read more nonfiction than fiction

Send us a text

Let's connect over all things friendship!

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• Dear Nina website with show notes and a guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Episode #96: I have been a Gretchen Rubin fan since 2009 when I read The Happiness Project the week it came out. Who could resist that cover and concept? And I cannot believe this, but I got to discuss my favorite topic, friendship, with Gretchen Rubin on Dear Nina.

In celebration of Gretchen's paperback release of Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World, I am replaying our episode from about a year ago. I found my favorite parts of the episode and put it together.

We covered:

• The art of listening for what is being said and what is not being said in conversations with friends.
• The sound, sight, and touch of mixtapes plus our attempt to hatch a new business idea.
• The sound and touch of mahjong
• The joy of tasting parties
• The nostalgia inherent in taste or even discussing foods we used to eat with friends
• The distracting sight of friends checking their phones and watches
• The sight of friends' faces and the emotions we read on their faces
• Making plans to see sights with friends and the memories created
• Hugging friends! (I've gotten better at this since we first spoke.)
• And we took a quick dip into The Four Tendencies for me to share my husband being the Upholder of all Upholders.
• Take the "most neglected sense" quiz here.

Meet Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential observers of happiness and human nature. She’s the author of many books, including the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers Life in Five Senses, Outer Order, Inner Calm; The Four Tendencies; Better Than Before; and The Happiness Project. Her books have sold more than 3.5 million copies worldwide, in more than thirty languages. She hosts the top-ranking, award-winning podcast “Happier with Gretchen Rubin,” where she explores practical solutions for living a happier life. Raised in Kansas City, she lives in New York City with her husband and two daughters. You can find everything you need at gretchenrubin.com.

Let's connect over all things friendship!

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• Dear Nina website with show notes and a guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands