The Bomb

The purpose of this podcast is to educate and to inform. This is not a substitute for professional medical care and is not intended for use in the diagnosis or treatment of individual conditions. Guests on this podcast express their own opinions, experience, and conclusions. The mention of any product, service, organization, activity, or therapy should not be construed as an ASCO endorsement. The Bomb, Andrea M. Watson. I sit paralyzed at my desk. Everyone has left the clinic. I can hear the sound of the broom in the hall as the after hours cleaning begins. No phones ring. No patients hurry to appointments. No chatter lingers in the air. The silence is oppressive, the air is heavy, and the distance from my office to the hospital an eternity. I've just hung up the phone with the radiation oncologist. His words echo in my head. "Radiation will cause more harm than good. I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could offer." Dread rises like a tide as my last hope recedes. I want to share the burden of this terrible news. But all my colleagues have left for the day. And I am alone. I'd been taking care of Mallory for nine months when the progression of her disease took me by surprise. Her tumor had responded so well to upfront radiation followed by nine months of intensive chemotherapy. With just a few months of treatment left, the end was in sight. Mallory was an avid JRR Tolkien fan. And plans for a Make a Wish Foundation trip to New Zealand were underway. She wanted to see the Lord of the Rings filming location and visit the small hobbit village she'd read about in travel books. She wanted to wait until it was summer there, our winter time, to travel. When Mallory's disease progressed on therapy, that fall, the timeline shifted. Goals shifted. There was no realistic hope for cure. There was just hope for time. The trip became the goal. And she bravely chose to continue with aggressive treatment, hoping it would open a window of time for travel. But further progression got in the way. When the futility of chemotherapy became clear, hopes were pinned on radiation to buy time. Now hanging up the phone, I realized that this strong, brave, beautiful 16-year-old girl who had been through so much will never get to New Zealand. And I have to tell her that tonight. I start out toward the hospital. But walking through the hall, my steps slow, my chest becomes tight, and my head swims with the devastating message I carry. I stop and look blankly at the man sweeping the floor wondering if he can tell I am carrying a bomb meant for a young girl and her family. He keeps sweeping, unaware. I trace my steps, fighting back tears. Back in my office, the sobs come. I cry for Mallory, for her parents, for her little brother and her best friend, her sister, for all they would never share together and for all the sorrow they had already faced. I cry for myself and for the terrible burden of delivering the blow, extinguishing the candle of hope that this trip had become, and speaking the words they'd dreaded since the moment we met. And when the tears finally stopped, I am empty. I take a deep breath and walk out the door. Mallory is not surprised by my news. Her gaze shifts away from me to a far off place. Silent tears stream down her face. And she says, "I know." That's all she says. I meet with her parents alone in the family room. Their reaction is raw and palpable. Flooded by tears and sobbing, they cling to one another lost in a storm of grief. When her brother and sister join us, I unfold the news slowly, choosing my words with great care as the disbelief on their faces quickly melts into sorrow and then tears. My heart feels as if it will break. I sit quietly by trying to fade from the scene that plays out before me. I fight back the tears but lose. I have done my job, delivered the bomb. There is nothing more to do but bear witness. Then something beautiful happens. Mallory's parents silently hug one another with new resolve and in turn embrace their children. Without a word, they stand up and walk together into Mallory's room. Hand-in-hand, they pull her in and encircle her with fiery love. I quietly take my leave feeling the power radiating from the room as I walk down the hall and out of the hospital into the night air. Mallory's funeral program bore a poignant quote from the Lord of the Rings film in which Gandalf assures Pippin that death is not the end, but rather another path we must take. The journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver grass. And then you see it. "The journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it." "What, Gandalf? See what?" Pippin asked anxiously. "White shores and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise." Shortly after Mallory died, her...